When is ignoring a form of control?

Question

1. When it is coupled with other control mechanisms? If so, please list other control mechanisms. AND how is Silent treatment a form of control?

2. It is never.

Ex. I always keep my distance with ppl, but this aggressive guy ALWAYS comes up to me. He did a few things for me, I thanked him, but he started making unwanted sexual comments. I tried to stay nice while dismissing the comments *keep in mind he is engaged*. He would always come up to me alone to make these comments. I never ever sough him out but when I asked him a question in front of everyone, he ignored me. After that, I decided to end our friendship all together. He keeps trying to get in my face and scream, yet I just ignore him. I honestly do not mean to do what he hoped to do to me - control him through ignoring. I simply want him to stay away, yet it seems like he will not leave me alone, and I barely know him! What preventative measures to avoid this type of situation? Also, he does these things while smiling...

Answer 1

He sounds like he has a personality disorder to me, (IE) Borderline.

Is this happening at work? If so, you could confront him in a very direct way and let him know that you find his behavior unacceptable, and that if he does not stop with the comments / behavior,  you plan to go to Management...............and then stick to it. You have to draw really, really, firm boundaries with these types of personalities, and consistency is key.

If he really does have a PD chances are things will get worse before they get better, these kind of people are in general a "nightmare" to deal with.

If it's out-side of work, I would make it a point to stay as far away from him as possible.

Be careful, and never give this individual any information that he could use against you. Borderlines love to do something called "splitting" (IE) taking your information elsewhere and getting others involved...& the impression that you are the bad guy.

I feel for you this can be a terrible issue to deal with, be firm, don't make any effort at all to ask him questions or give him any reason to interact with you.

Chances are he has done this with many others as well, so if it is a work situation, you can believe that there are others who feel the same way you do. He also knows that WHAT he is doing, and knows that it is UPSETTING you. don't let him see that, make an effort to keep you reaction to him under control, check your body language, don't let him have any power over you.

Difficult for certain.

Wish you well.

Answer 2

Ignoring doesn't seem to work with this guy. You'll have to get up in his face and tell him flat out to leave you alone.

With less persistent sorts, ignoring functions as control because they want attention from you, and you're withholding it.

Answer 3

If he was depending on you for something necessary, then ignoring him would be a kind of control.

Since he does not need or merit your attention, ignoring him is proper.  Speak to an authority figure about his actions, even if that means you have to call the police.

Answer 4

If I ignore a woman who's making eyes at me, that is a form of birth control.

Answer 5

Did you say something? I wasn't paying attention.

Answer 6

What usually works for me is loudly celebrating every bodily function in front of whomever it is you wish to keep away. The number of times I have been at the local pub with friends and some guy sees me as an easy target. I show him how masterful I am at expelling gas noisily from either end.

It works quite well, because for women in our society it is uncalled for; for ladies to drop a stink bomb.

But to be utterly serious, he sounds like an egotistical manipulator. I have never been in a situation such as bad as you are describing; I would go talk to his fiance’ if he has the balls to treat you the way he has been; then he should have enough to face his fiance. Ultimately she should know what is going on; he’s not only trying to dehumanise you he’s duping her.

Answer 7

ignoring is a behavior used by abusers. its a form of emotional/verbal abuse.

http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/probe/docs/v...

http://www.helpstartshere.org/kids_and_f...

Answer 8

Passive-aggressive refers more specifically to behaviours that are meant to communicate aggression to others while avoiding confrontation. In this case, you are clearly using it as a defense mechanism to protect yourself. I feel those are two different things.

As for ignoring, yes, it is always a way to retain control over a situation, whether it is to control yourself, or to control another person's implication in the situation. Silent treatment is always control over the situation and can be used effectively to prevent a situation from continuing or escalating. By refusing to participate, you nullify the occurance.

It can be effective in some instances, but does fail to give the other person insight into their behaviour and in this sense, though it discourages the instance and protects you, it also allows the behaviour to continue in other instances as the person is not made aware, or simply doesn't care to be made aware of their disturbance.

I always favour a direct approach that would maintain respect if possible, i.e. just telling the person directly that what they are doing is making you uncomfortable. This is sufficient with some people.

In your case, this person doesn't seem to be getting the message and may require something a little less respectful. This is not ok in itself, but when warranted by the situation is, in my view, justified in order to protect yourself. If after politely but firmly getting your message across he persists, I would flat out tell him that any further (insert behaviour here) will be interpreted as harrasment and you will be forced to (insert ultimatum here: report him, get restraining order, etc. depending on your relationship to him).

This is clear, and still gives him a chance to correct his actions towards you. If he still doesn't get the point, follow through with your ultimatum.