When is it okay to post on an adoption question...?

Question

There are lots of questions listed on this forum that are addressed to adoptees, adoptive parents, first parents, etc. I've seen times where adoptive parents have posted on a question asked to adoptees and I've seen questions addressed to one specific type of adoptive parent (international or foster) where someone not of that "target audience" answers (and it's generally insulting).

Questions geared toward adoptees that are answered by adoptive parents generally get called out, for the adoptive parents cannot say what their children are feeling inside.

Fair enough. But then should adoptees refrain from commenting on what an adoptive parent is "feeling inside" as well?

I think that seems fair. What do you think? When is it okay to answer a targeted question when you are not part of the group addressed? And if it is acceptible for one group to answer about the feelings and motivations of another, does that work both ways?

Answer 1

I dont care who answers what. Its Y/A. Its a place for EVERYONE to answer adopted or not. There is no sign on the door saying you must be apart of the triad to answer here. Sensitivity is the key though. Those who are not apart of the triad should be a bit more sensitive toward people who are.

Answer 2

Personally, overgeneralizing feelings is really tough, since no one can know what another person feels and anyone speaking for a group of people stating that they know how each member of that group feels is really a challenge.  I mean, who am I to say that every adult adoptee feels like me or AP does as well.  I can only speak from my own experience.

Answer 3

Another poster asked where non-adoptive parents had answered a question directed to adoptive parents, please see below:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

My point, everyone answers questions even if they aren't directed to them.  It would be nice if people were more respectful of that but, sadly, I don't see that happening.

Answer 4

Well, I think that everyone has a right to express their opinion, even if they aren't the object of discussion.  The asker gets to choose which answers are noteworthy anyway.

Answer 5

Questions specifically asking 'how does it FEEL'  cannot possibly be answered by someone who has never walked in those shoes.

Nobody should be telling someone that they shouldn't feel this way or that way

Please show some examples of non-adoptive parents telling how it FEELS to be an adoptive parent in the way that adoptees are told how it feels to be adopted because I can't find any

For the answerer who has so much experience on how it feels to be adopted even though she was not adopted herself - this is impossible.   Many people have deeper feelings than they express verbally and you will never know how an adoptee really feels on self-reflection because alot of us just parrot what people expect to hear from us.  To do anything else is met with this kind of nonsense, so it is safer to do that and conform.  Believe me, I did it for decades.

Answer 6

I think the only thing that would be fair is for everyone to have the right to state their opinions, as they do here. Like others said, if you only want a certain opinion, you should go to a forum designed or geared towards that topic. Otherwise, expect some people to have different opinion than others and be able to voice it freely. Sometimes it is good to hear the other side, especially when you really dont want to.

Answer 7

one doesn't have to be an adoptee to have knowledge of how they feel. By spending time with them and talking with them we can hear them. That goes for other subjects too. Lots of us have friends or family that fall into these different subjects and we have insight on the subject.

Answer 8

For example, when someone asks why a person would adopt from abroad and a bunch of people who haven't done it answer that it's because we ALL wanted babies that we could cut off from their real parents, permanently?

I adopted older siblings, no babies.  As for cutting children off from their first families - that happens just plenty right here in the US, doesn't it? I wouldn't have to go overseas for that. (However, where we adopted from,  everyone in our group did meet with their children's surviving family members.  All the parents I met were grateful for this chance, and most of us arranged to sponsor family members. )

No, it's not fair that one group gets called out and another doesn't.  But things are seldom fair, and it's just something to deal with.  I like these open forums, so I'll take the good with the bad.

Answer 9

It's an open forum and anyone can answer. Y!A does not restrict who can or cannot answer a question. Others however may be offended and report. It only takes 2 reports to get automatically deleted and Y!A doesn't monitor it.

I wouldn't take it personally. It doesn't mean you had a bad answer. It's more of an etiquette issue but sometimes is treated like a control issue. It's obvious that many questions are targeted at a certain person and those are not considered appropriate under the Y!A guidelines.

It's basically a free for all and you have to find your own style of when not to answer, and some styles obviously get reported more than others. My feeling is if you have something constructive to contribute in a respectful way then go ahead and answer. If not, ignore the question. It's not worth the redundant drama that happens so often here.

Answer 10

This is an open forum, which means anyone who wishes can answer a question. Just because someone isn't  "in that situation" doesn't mean that they can't have positive input, or maybe just  a more objective point of view. Just because some don't like the way others answer doesn't mean they should stop. Everyone who enters this or any other forum in Yahoo has the right to express their opinions. So it is a fair process for this type of forum. If they don't want to hear every-ones opinions then they should find a different place to ask their questions. Besides it seems to be the regulars that are the most rude  in the way they try to push their opinions onto others,  and tell others they are wrong for their feelings ex. ( in denial).

Answer 11

I understand your feelings. (Geez, that sounds empty) But you can't tell people not to respond in Y/A. It is an OPEN forum. From the thumb votes, it's obvious people feel both ways on this issue. I encourage you to keep asking those questions here, and just ignore dumb answers. (there are dumb answers everywhere, in all categories)

Answer 12

Some adoptive parents on here give GREAT answers, and I welcome their opinions. I wouldn't mind Erin L answering every single one of my questions. Her answers are informative and I can tell she's researched a lot about adoption and I would value her insight even into the adoptees perspective.  So I would rather take my chances at having questions answered by everyone, and weed out the ones I totally disagree with to get the ones that validate what I'm looking for, or give me a new perspective to think about.

That being said if someone really really doesn't want to hear from others they can "block" them so they can't read their question ( unless they want to sign out and then read it, which seems like a wasteless hassle / or open a new account which seems like even more of a useless hassle )

They can ask one body of people here on the board and "hope" others respect that ( which it seems the majority DO )

but since this is SO public I think chances are likely that others who aren't in the body will answer. If that happens, you'll have to just "look over" the answer you didn't ask for and continue on.

Another reply would be to "call out" the people answering if you really don't like it, then say something. Instead of complaining about only one group getting "called out" well, then call the others out if thats what is important to you.

good luck!

Answer 13

If you want answers only from a very specific target group, you need to go to a website with a message board just for that specific thing. Yahoo Answers is open to everyone, and anyone can answer any question they like.

Answer 14

I'm one who has been called out (although not recently) for answering questions that were not "posed" to me or that I did not have a "valid enough reason" to answer as an AP.  

The reality is that if everyone - and I do mean EVERYONE - could be respectful here in Y!A, then what question you answer or don't answer wouldn't matter.  It's just that rudeness and insults fuel the fire.  If an AP or and Adoptee answer a question and give an answer that seemingly offends someone, then there always seems to be group retaliation against the person.  It's unfair.  

I've just decided that short of a few very close contacts that I have met here, who I truly respect - even if our opinions differ on things, I will continue to just answer questions that I believe I can offer knowledge or experience with.  If I can't answer the question or am afraid it is pot-stirring, then I just walk away from it.  I also come here to learn though - and having everyone's perspective, especially adult adoptees, is very helpful to me as a parent.  

I agree though that we need to be respectful of each other and not "attack" anyone for the questions they answer.  As others have said, it is an open forum.

Answer 15

I completely agree with you.... I have noticed the same thing... and I have taken a new attitude of refraining from posting on the "adoptee" and "the mother who gave birth" Questions and started reporting the very rude remarks left by other members of the triad on the Adoptive Parents and PAP's Questions when they are Rude and Not answers...

I actually enjoy hearing from the other members of the triad on issues that might make me a more informed parent of adopted children. However, it has become very clear that some people use this system simply to promote an agenda or put down adoptive parents.

It's always going to be this way, and the way I see it is that as a parent we are always held responsible for everything our kids feel and think. I don't mind so much when it is My Children but it does become irritating when I am held responsible as Everyone's parent... I am not every adopted persons evil adoptive mother and I do very much get tired of the negative--unhelpful repeated all over the place nasty remarks intentionally left on some Questions as well as those questions asked ONLY to create conflict and Bait people into being defensive.

Anyway--that is the nature of those with nothing to do but negative things to say. It's too bad because I actually do have respect for several members and their efforts to Advocate for those things that might help in the future--I just hate tripping over the whiners who do not help the cause and only make the world an ugly place...

anyway--good Questions and I bet it is Violated before you know it!

Answer 16

I generally avoid answering questions directed to other groups.  The only time I think I can speak up for my adoptive parents is when someone asks what other adoptive parents DO in some situation.  Then I think I can answer because actions are publicly observable events.  I know what my parents DID.  But I don't talk about their feelings because I don't know their feelings.

I also don't tell adoptive parents (or first parents) that they need to feel differently than they do.  (How many times have we seen someone on this site tell an adoptee that they need professional help, or to get over it, or to keep in mind that they could be worse off than they are?)

It is wrong for one person to speak for the feelings of another.  It really is just that simple.

Answer 17

I ocassionally answer a question posed to a different "target audience", but I try not to speak for anyone else.  I try to make it something like "In my experience, many adoptees say that they  . . ." or something like that.  And I've never been called out for it    I think that is different from telling a specific person what they are feeling or what they should be feeling, and yes, I think you are right that does happen and it happens to all triad positions.  I think some other people are right in their answers to this question when they say a lot of time the answerers that do that are casual passers by of this category and not regulars - they're just ignorant about adoption and don't understand it would be offensive.

Gershom - Hugs - Thanks for the compliment.  If I have any wisdom to share about the adoptee experience it is because I've learned from you and other adoptees who are generous enough to share your stories and experiences.