When is it right to say "in it for the long haul" and when to say "I'm out"?

Question

One of my best friends came up to visit us because he was having problems with his marriage. He told his wife he was going to a car show with me and would be back on Thursday.

He's always looked to me for advice, but for once I don't know what to say to him. He's been married for about a year- no kids or anything. I knew this when he married her, but he was never "in love" with her. He was so sick of being "hurt" that he married a girl he could rationalize compatibility, but one that he never loved. Now he's got a renewed hope to find someone he "loves". Supposedly he even prays that she'll cheat on him or run off with another man, and he even tried to set his wife up with his cousin. Should he get a divorce today? or should I tell him that he needs to deal with the committment he made, love her (even if hes not "in love") and just suck it up?

Normally I would tell him the latter, but I can just see him having kids and getting their lives further entwined and then seeing him get divorced anyway, and I wonder if it's not best for him to just get it over with now?

Lastly, I wonder if its not best for me to just play the "empathy" route and not give him advice, and make him figure it out on his own.

Thanks for your help.

Answer 1

This is a hard one to answer because you can't really give us all the facts to the "problems" in their marriage. First of all, if he never really loved her and married her just to be married, the marriage probably wont last. Second, if they have only been married a year and he is questioning the marriage, they are in big trouble, they should still be in the honeymoon phase. The best advice to give your friend is to seek professional help. If he wont, try to be there for him but this is something he needs to decide on his own. He chose to marry her and it isnt fair for him to stay if he doesnt love her. She deserves her "true love" too.

Answer 2

Your "best friend" is an incredible pus*y.

I hope she does leave him for another man with a twelve incher.

I am sorry but men like your friend is really what gives men in general a bad reputation for being users.  Tell him to divorce her, at least the girl can have a chance to be married to a real man.

Answer 3

i understand he is your friend but is it fair for her to be married to someone who doesn't love her? maybe you should tell him that and he needs to fess up and tell her that he never really loved her and she needs to find someone who does, they shouldn't bring children into a marriage that is full or resentment because it effects the children more than the adults if you feel that his wife needs to know this then maybe you should be a good friend and tell her how he really feels if she is truly in love with him then she has a right to know now before she puts most of her life into a loveless marriage, i feel sorry for this poor woman, if he is a good husband and he does love her but is not in love with her maybe he should just stay with her and love her he married her for a reason right? there has to be something there maybe they need to go to counseling and figure out what that something is.

Answer 4

he married her under false pretenses.  for all intents and purposes, he committed fraud.  He needs to own up to her and correct the problem.  (by "correct the problem", I mean  "divorce")

Answer 5

Interesting Id like to see the answers for this one.

However Id say go with the tell him to divorce her and he's a d*&k for doing the set up thing thats just wrong.

You really have thought it out but he should do it b4 a kid pops up because your right that is just a whole other ball game there.

Answer 6

I would advice him to move on and divorce her. Let them have the opportunity to be with someone who truly loves them. Marriage is hard enough I can't imagine being in it without love. Tell him to stop being a coward and to handle his situation instead of trying to set up his wife.  

Answer 7

I normally wouldn't give this advice either but he needs to bail.  He got in the marriage for all the wrong reasons and is continuing on the wrong path.  He should get out now before the plot thickens even more.

Answer 8

This dude needs to walk. He need s to be as fair in the distribution of marital assets. Why did he really marry her? What was in it for him, if he did not even love her. There had to have been some sort of payoff for him. He made his bed, now he can lie in it. You are best to stay out of this one. You may lose a friendship if you give advise to him and then he does not follow thru with it. This happens all the time.  Bottom line, Life is too d**n short to be hangin with a person you really do not love,  Unless there are children involved. He needs to GET REAL. The truth shall set you free, but it may also hurt like h**l.

Answer 9

you being his FRIEND should have had this conversation with him PRIOR to the marriage. but if he is not in love with her and wants out he need to be honest with about the real reasons he married her and how he feels now. than let her know that it has nothing to do with her nor is it something she did. but he just need to come clean with her than ask for a divorce. real friends dont let friends marry the WRONG person or for the WRONG reasonsGodBless

Answer 10

I don't understand why someone would marry another person without loving them. If he settled it will never work. I don't think he's a pus*y, I think he's dumb.

Yes, it's time to get divorced if you hope your wife will cheat on you. It's also best that you stay out of it. It's none of your business even though you're his friend. STAY out of it, nothing good can come from you being in the middle of it.