When is it time to give up?

Question

My daughter is 14, and wants me to give her up to be adopted by her step dad. I have done everything in the world to be a good parent, but, with her mom, it makes no difference. Her mom has done everything from telling her I am not her real dad, to calling the hosp on the birth of my first son to cuss out my wife then for having my kid. Her mom lies to everyone saying I do not pay Child support (I have even showed her current husband the print outs of the state web site showing how much she got), to telling flat out lies about me. She smoked dope with my ex wife, and even had two pot heads tell her that me and her current husband could be made to disappear for a quickie (ex wife got scared and told me and a detective). I have 6 kids total, and I am really trying to make a family work. Her mom has cussed out everyone I have ever dated or married and told her I put them in front of her. Long story short. I am thinking about giving up, so my daughter will not be hurt by it anymore.

Answer 1

Come four years she can just have her step father adopt her if she still wants that. Eventually her mother deceit will come out I feel badly for your daughter, you and even your ex’s current spouse. I would not give her up but would inform her that if she still wishes to be adopted by her step father it can be done in 4 years when she will not need your approval.

Answer 2

I would just tell her that your her father whether her mother likes it or not. I would also point out how much her mom is trying to hurt you as well as how much care for her.

I find it ironic some ap's above will tell you to fight tooth and nail but they expect women from foreign countries that have had their children kidnapped and adopted by US citizens to not bother and they continue to defend the aps that contribute to it. What done is done. Really sad, selfish and pathetic.

Answer 3

I agree with everyone else.

Fourteen is a crazy, hormonal age, but add a screwed up mother, well, forget it.

She will come around.  I promise.  It might take 5 or so years, but she will.

She will be so happy that you didn't abandon her.  Her mother has already abandoned her emotionally.

Stay strong!

Answer 4

Sounds like you are in a difficult situation but the fact of the matter is, that is your daughter and nothing can change that.  If it was me I'd fight tooth and nail to at least maintain that legal connection.  The day will hopefully come when she will be old enough to form her own opinions, unencumbered by any influence from your ex-wife, and hopefully she will realize that you were bring a father in the best way you could given the circumstances.

Answer 5

If you give up on her, it will give her the message that she doesn't mean anything to you and you didn't fight for her.  She is only 14.  When she is older she will question the stories her mother told her about you and she will likely want a relationship.  

I saw the same thing in my own family.  The child went to live with the "evil father" when he was 17, after finding out that the mother lied out-right about his father (who also refused to give up his rights and never regretted it).

Don't give up on her or give up your rights.  Stand behind your story and ensure that eventually she knows the truth.  Also, document ALL the lies and bad things that her mother does.  It is the proof you need later on to show your daughter that she was misled.  

Your daughter will be hurt more in the long run if you DO give up.  She is your daughter.  Not his.

Answer 6

You've been fighting for her for 14 years.  Don't give up now.  She's only got 4 more years before she's an adult, and that adoption won't make a darn bit of difference at that point.

I have a friend who was in a similar situation.  His ex wife made his life absolute h**l until he finally gave up his rights to his daughter.  She was only 4 at the time, but he didn't want her to grow up in the middle of all this drama.

Not long ago, his daughter turned 18.  She found her dad, and gave him a call.  Her step-father (adoptive father) had molested her.  She had been abused, manipulated, ridiculed, and put in the middle of family drama anyway.  She missed her dad.  As soon as she found him, she began making plans to move out here to Oregon (she's in the mid-west).  

Even if your daughter is resentful of all the drama going on around her, it sends a HUGE message to her that you're not willing to give up on her.  It's only 4 more years.  You've made it this far, DON'T GIVE UP!!!

Answer 7

When should you stop fighting for your daughter?  Never.  Ever.

Answer 8

Don't give up - she will eventually get through her teenage years, and become an adult who will be able to see the whole picture.  What will make a difference to her is that you didn't give up on her. Regardless of how tense or messed up the situation is - deep down, what matters is that she'll know you didn't give up.

Answer 9

Don't give up on her!  You wouldn't imagine what our son goes thru knowing that he can't see his mommy and daddy anymore because they won't follow rules.  He thinks it's his fault and so forth!  I agree...IT'S ONLY 4 MORE YEARS.  Don't listen to the lies...etc.  Change your phone number any only give it to your daughter.  Or record messages when your ex calls and have a restraining order put against her.  As long as you know you are recording your own conversation, there is nothing she can do about it...at least not in the midwest!

Answer 10

Don't give up, keep a journal of your thoughts to her and also keep records of child support, some day she will come to know the truth.

Answer 11

For now I would suggest that you try to never talk bad about her mother in front of your daughter. That is SO very important. If every time you get a visit from your daughter and she brings anything up at all about her mom, her step-father or potentially your giving her up for 'adoption,' put it all to rest by saying something to the effect of "This is no longer a subject in my house. I love you but this is not up for debate. You are my daughter and I won't give you up for adoption."

If the conversation comes up again and again (because it may take awhile to learn new habits), refer to exactly those words and add "this conversation is over."

DON'T let your ex-wife fuel any emotion any longer. You are giving her control of a situation, and you need to be the strong father in all of this. That starts with your not being involved in any sort of conflict. Refuse to talk about your ex-wife with anyone at all in fact. People will eventually get the hint and she won't be the big issue that she has become.

Do not feed the bears.

Good luck and Stay Strong!!

Answer 12

If you love your daughter, don't give up your right to be her father.  Tell her you're sorry for the situations she's been put in, but one day it will stop.  And if her mother is that awful, what happens if she gets divorced.  I know a man that adopted his wife's son and once they got divorced, he didn't want to be his father anymore.  Being a parent isn't easy.  Let her know how hard this is for you and that you love her.  Tell her you love her to much to say you wish you were not her father...legally or otherwise.  She's only 14 and should not be responsible for such a life changing decision.  That is putting too much pressure on her and she will be devasted if you give her up.  Whether she will say it or not, she likes the fact you won't give her up.  There isn't anyone more irrational than a teenage girl, she doesn't know what she wants.  Give her time to grow up and then hopefully you can have a better relationship with her.