When is it time to leave a relationship and how to know? I tend to be very loyal and easily forgive/forget?

Question

I know many of you will think my question to be obvious, or foolish- I would probobly have been the first one to say "move on", how I got to this point and to be this confused is scary considering I know alot about Psychology and was a counselor yet SOMEHOW I slipped into a bad relationship. Together 7 years, I convinced my "fiance" to stop drinking (alcoholic style) but now he wants pain pills and xanax (says he needs them to live with me) and I am being treated poorly. I am yelled at and insulted when I will not ask or take them from someone. I am told I am too controlling and recently after 2 yrs. he was urged to drink at a wedding and flirted/hung over other girls. He even paid more attention to them. His family thought he was being ridiculous b/c they say I am a "great catch". His brother and others all have crushes on me, but I am loyal and never cheat! Yesterday he called me "disgusting to look at". I am recently unemployed due to serious depression. Not bragging, but I am very attractive (was once on TV etc) so when angry he attacks my appearance and laziness. I could not take pills from my dad for him and he was so mad, and said "Im done helping U, I dont love u, I hate u, get off of ur fat *** (I am 5ft4, size 4-6 )"you disgust me sitting there", 'u r getting old and wrinkly "(am 36 BUT ppl. think I am 26 or less,honestly, I work hard to have nice skin, and fear age since that was all I had. I may have a minor wrinkle here and there though. (?) I admit recently I sit in one spot alone in an attic away from people for days. I feel ill and rarely eat. I am trying hard to do better though, but need help, but can't afford it. His calling me those names does not inspire me though. I used to be strong, what the heck happened to me? I want it to work and my family even lends us money and lets us be late with our rent, which since is my moms place- only have to pay under $400.00 month all utils/cable/internet included. 7 yrs. is a long time together. He does help me with bills, finance until I get better and find a job or end up on disability. I am in debt,and asking mom/dad for help makes me feel worthless, he does not understand that. Like tonight, after calling me those awful names, wants me to borrow moms car to pick him up at 2am from work. Should I? I said "after what you said? ok fine, but this will be my last favor though" he called back angry and said "fine- f you and forget it I will walk"-he once called me "useless" years ago, when I WAS doing well, 'cause I swept the floor too slow. I know how I sound- but he somehow turns it where I end up feeling the bad guy and guilty for saying "maybe u should leave then". He will make me the bad guy somehow. "So, you are throwing me out?"! and I feel guilty to do it despite him dumping me! Where is my spine and brain? I know I am not the greatest person to live with, but am depressed more now than ever. Anyone know what I am going through? I know he has issues stemming from childhood etc. but how much should I accept?Plus I am kinda old to start all over (36), even if I do look 25 years old, I have no career (am a washed up actress/model). I used to be rather confident of my intellect and have a huge heart. I am too loyal for my own good I think. I have lost contact with friends, no one else to ask,,,I know, I sound like a loser but any help would be welcome (no jokes/insults pls. I heard em all already).

Answer 1

Heiress, make no mistake, this man is being abusive. Please get some help before it is too late. Maybe you don't feel comfortable leaving him -- and maybe you will leave and maybe you won't. Don't let that be the focus. Let the focus be your own well-being. If you cannot afford therapy, join a free support group.

Let me tell you about my mother. She came from a very poor family background, and she worked hard to make something of herself. She became a top-flight executive secretary, which was a big deal back in the '60s. She took care of her parents when they were elderly and sick. She was artistically talented. She was financially independent (not rich, but she got by more than fine). She was a wonderful mother to my sister and me. But she made one horrible mistake and it cost her life, literally. Determined never to be poor again, she decided to choose a husband (my father) who was financially successful, charming, good looking, etc. etc. The emotional and physical abuse started almost as soon as they got married. He constantly belittled her to make himself feel superior (he did that to all my siblings and me, too).  He told her she was worthless and unattractive. He wouldn't let her work outside the home and earn her own money (it would have made him feel less successful). He criticized her child-rearing skills. He criticized her mannerisms. He criticized her housekeeping (she kept our home spotless). He did the same to my siblings and me. None of us could do anything right. If any of us had an accomplishment of any sort (which she gave up on, eventually), he found a way to make fun of it.

During their 14 years of marriage, my mother -- a sharp, smart, self-made woman with tons of smarts, savvy, and artistic talent, to boot -- was so stressed out and abused that she became physically ill. The verbal abuse escalated to physical abuse. One particularly memorable Thanksgiving, my father got drunk. He said something nasty to my mother. She talked back to him. He dragged her into the kitchen and poured still-hot French-frying oil over her head. My sister and I called the police. My father forced my mother to put a towel on her head and tell the police we were mistaken -- she had just washed her hair. One evening, my sister and I were playing on the patio. We looked inside just in time to see our father repeatedly hit our mother over the head with a cast-iron candelabra, until she was unconscious.

Eventually, she wound up having several heart attacks and heart failure. She developed chronic obstructive pulmonary disease from the three packs of cigarettes she smoked each day because of nervousness. She spent the last five years of her life in a coma. She was 5'6" tall and weighed about 75 pounds. She was brain dead for all of those five years. My father was riddled with guilt and refused to have the life support removed because he kept hoping for a miracle. Yet the moment that he got a girlfriend, he decided to go ahead and have my mother taken off of the respirator  and other life-support equipment. No one else in the family was willing to sign (you need two signers), so he forced me to do it. I was 19 years old.

So what is the point of my grim descriptions? My mother did not seek help or try to break free of a very abusive husband. She was going to wait until my sister and I were grown up and no longer needed my father's financial support before she left him. Well, when she did attempt to leave him after 14 years, he had broken her soul, spirit, and body so badly that she no longer had the ability to break free.

My sisters' lives and mine were hellish for the entire time we were growing up and for decades afterward. We all grew up "damaged." One of my sisters killed herself. All of the others became drug addicts. I have fought major depression all my life and I find it impossible to trust anyone. If you won't get help for yourself, get help for the sake of any children you might have in the future.  

Please get some help. Find out what you can do to make your situation better for yourself and find out how you can protect yourself in the future, whatever you decide to do.There has to be a way for you to make your life better than it is now. You sound like a smart and beautiful woman. Don't let anyone rob you of who you are.

Answer 2

Girlfriend......RUN HIS BUTT OFF, RIGHT NOW!!!!!   Do NOT spend another day of your precious life with this loser!  You and I are birds of a feather, except it took me 27 years to see the light.  Don't waste your youth on this creep.  Get on your feet, any way that you can.  We are only given one day at a time, so just take each minute and do something for someone else and you will start to rebuild your self-esteem.  Take a good long look in the mirror every day and tell that lady that "God don't make junk".  You are worth the effort!!!  He is NOT!  God bless you on this journey.   (P.S.  get to your local library, and find as many resources as you can for self-help. This can be your first step to the wonderful life that you deserve!)  Good luck!

Answer 3

Just move on. It won't get better if you get married. You are in a tight spot now, but as soon as you get some distance and let the air clear, you will see that moving on was the best thing. I too stuck around past a relationship's expiration date before for some reason, but when I finally had support to move on, I never looked back. Find someone to give you encouragement and next time don't settle for less than you deserve.

Answer 4

I am a firm believer you train people how to treat you. Why do you allow the abuse? What is the pay off for you staying in this unhealthy relationship? It' sounds like you have bought into who he has said you are...even when you write the things you feel are positive..do you really believe those things about yourself? You allow him to play the guilt card and for some reason you feel a need to be the rescuer..the savior.In all that you know about his faults..he is not your responsibility. Who told you were to old to start over? As long as you are given an opportunity to see tomorrow, you can start over..seize the moment. You should read some of your own writings..even in your answers you are self defeating...No one has ever died from poison they didn't ingest. This man is poison and he real doesn't have authority or power over you but you have believe in what he says and thinks of you. There are three types of people in your life: assets, liabilities, and zeros. Assets add to the sum total of who you are, liabilities take away from who you are and Zeroes add nor subtract...Which is this man to you? Hoped this helps...it's just words until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired....OleCoop