When is the best age to tell your child they are adopted?

Question

When is the best age to tell your child they are adopted?

Answer 1

That information depends upon the parents and the child.  Some children are told as soon as they are able to understand stories and books.  Other factors include how your families feel about your adopting a child.  Some family members can never accept an adopted child.  This has to be taken into consideration.

The decision to tell the child he is adopted is quite traumatic.  The love of the mother who gave the child up must be stressed over and over.  Nothing bad must EVER be said about the biological parents.  Some parents present the idea that both biological parents died and God gave this precious gift to you to love and accept as your own.

I would discourage bringing up adoption in the child's hearing, when talking to friends, strangers, etc.  This makes the child question his own worth. Although parents may be doing this out of pride, the child does not understand this and may possibly feel that something is wrong because you don't claim him as your own.

The most successful adopted children are told when small they were adopted.  Stress that you were able to choose this gift from God as your very own.  And then drop it.  Accept the child as though you both had given birth to him.  He will never forget that he was adopted, but in the future if you have a baby of your own, he will feel part of the family and thrilled to have a baby brother or sister.

It is hard to break away from family, but if you have relatives who cannot accept this child, you need to withdraw from their company and keep this child away from them.  The wrong words from people like this can cause scars that never heal.

I have two cousins who were adopted but never told.  They are grown now with their own families and they will go to their deaths never knowing they aren't biological siblings.  They love each other and  their acceptance of each other is beautiful to see.

Only you and your wife/husband working together can decide this important issue.  I do not approve of the new way they are allowing the biogrophical mother to be involved in her child's life.  I feer the psychological effects far outweigh any advantages.

I offer my blessings and pray you make the right choice in this.

Answer 2

When they are old enough to understand.

Answer 3

TELL THEM AS SOON AS YOU CAN. I WAS TOLD AS LITTLE AS 2 OR 3 YEARS OLD.NOT JUST ONCE WE TALKED ABOUT IT ALL MY LIFE.UP INTILL ALL MY QUESTIONS WERE ANWERED. AND MY MOTHER WENT TO THE BOOK STORE AND GOT ME SOME BOOKS ON BEING ADOPTED.GOOD LUCK

IF YOU ARE NOT READY,THEN YOU NEED TO WAIT,INTILL YOU ARE READY. BUT PLEASE DON'T WAIT INTILL ITS TO LATE.

Answer 4

Whenever you feel that the child is mature enough to handle that information.  There is no set age since children by age and gender mature at differing times.  That is for you to decide based on all that you know of the child.

Sandy  :O)

Answer 5

as young as poss try telling them in a story, so when they are older it will be easier for them to understand, thats what my adoptive parents told me and hey it worked...

Answer 6

11 girls-13 boys

Answer 7

We currently just include it as part of our vocabulary and discussions when it comes up naturally. He is too young to understand as yet, but we plan to continue it in this way so his having been adopted will just be one of the many things that makes him who he is, like being a boy or having dimples or whatever.

Obviously, as he gets older information will be shared in an age appropriate way.

I don't think the topic should be avoided or off limits until some big dramatic reveal at a specified age.

Answer 8

Why wait.  Start telling them their story while they are an infant and continue the story as they get older.  This way there are not any surprises or slip ups from someone else saying something in front of them.

Answer 9

i agree as soon as they can understand

Answer 10

Some members of our church adopted a child from russia when she was a year and a half old.  As they have an older biological son, her adoption was just part of "how we became a family".   The family talks about how she chose them and they chose her, what things were like in Russia, but most importantly how much she is loved.

My only suggestion, make it a part of the child's life...  

In the same way you discuss the first steps, the first smile, how they were born and became part of the family should be a treasured family event.

Another member stated to tell the child how special they are...   I partially agree with that, as, especially if there are other children, it can set things up for some major rivalry.  Make sure the child knows how special it is that they're part of the family, and also how special the family is because they've been blessed with them.

I believe that if facts of life are just as they are, the facts in life, there are no humongous surprises that shatters a child's world.  When a little boy asks what his private parts are, he should be told in anatomically correct terms, and when he sees his sister or his mommy or some female and asks where her p***s is, the fact of life "boys have a p***s, girls don't" is not something that should be witheld from them until they take fifth grade sexual education class.

Answer 11

as soon as u think they would understand i found out when i was 5

Answer 12

I would think it should be a natural part of your home life.  We talk openly about when we bring our babies home from the hospital, about when they first walked, when they cut their first tooth then why not talk casually and openly about when your adopted child came to be a gift to you.  Making it sweet and natural gives the child a feeling of roots and belonging.  Waiting to tell makes it seem like something that needed to be hidden.

Answer 13

The bast time would be as soon as they understand because if you wait to long he/she might be upset that you waited that long.

Answer 14

at the age of 10

Answer 15

I wouldn't keep it from them. That could lead to resentment or confusion.

My lil' sister has a friend who is adopted, and her family celibrates her birthday and her adoption day. It's a beautiful thing in their family that they have her, and it was never kept from her.

If you have adopted a child who you've been keeping it from, then you oughta ask someone at the agency you adopted them from because they're going to have a heck of a lot of questions for you at any age.

Answer 16

when you feel they are mature enough to understand the adoption and why you adopted them...and always reassure them their last parents loved them..i found if i said anythign against their real parent the child suffered ...alot..so i always made sure i said..your mommy loved you very much and she went to live with GOD in heaven a nd wanted us to raise them for her..and that she was watchign down on them..so sad..they always wanted to go to the cemetary and wed take them...the youngest then was 4 and the oldest was7 they would always leave a piece of bubble gum and a quarter on their mothers headstone..when i asked them why..theyd say because mom might want to buy somemore gum before we come nnext week...and id loose it..she would be very proud of them ...

Answer 17

It really is going to vary from child to child.

I've always known. I can't recall when my folks told me, I've just always grown up knowing that I was special, I was chosen by my folks.

Answer 18

I would say 10 and up.

Answer 19

i would say about 7 to 10 because they will just be beginning to understand..Its hard at any age just do it as so as they would completely understand what your telling them...  good luck :)

Answer 20

I can't remember a time when I did not know I am adopted.  My parents told me before I could really understand, and the result is that I know they never lied to me.

Answer 21

the first night you hold her in your arms you begin telling her the story of how she came to be your child.  you make the story part of her bedtime story selection.  you could even go so far as to write a little book telling how you searched and searched for her and when you found her you knew in your heart that she was your daughter! and you tell her how much her bio mum loved her, but couldn't keep her and gave her to you because she knew you loved her daughter as much as she did!  

bless you for adopting, bless you for caring, and bless you and your new little one.  may your lives be filled with joy and happiness!

Answer 22

It is really going to depend on the maturity of the individual child. I think if you tell them before they are ready to really understant what happened that can lead to all kinds of problems. But if you wait to long then she will think you didnt want them to know or were holding back on them. I would say from personal exp. about 13-15 years old.  Just my 2 cents.  We did it when she was early 14 and everything is just great.   She understands and does not resent anything. For us this worked out well be we discussed it for quite awhile till we thought she could handle it....good luck.....I guess the other thing is how and when the adoption took place and why.. these are also factors to look into...

Answer 23

If you don't tell them, someone else will.  The best scenario would be for your child to know their history and story in a positive way, and be proud that they are loved by your family.  We encourage adoptive parents (and birth parents if possible) to make a scrapbook about their adoption journey, especially if you travel or get to meet their birthparents.

Answer 24

INFANCY.  Of course you're not explaining anything to an infant, but the adoption story should be part of family conversations, a natural part of family life.  There should never be a moment that you have to sit a child down and say, "I have something important to tell you."  Every child, adopted or not, should know the story of how they came into their family: "We went to the hospital at midnight to have you," or "We went to the agency on a beautiful summer day to pick you up."  As the child grows the conversations evolve, always age-appropriate, always open and truthful.

Answer 25

i think you tell them immediately. i don't know how old your child is now or how long ago you adopted them but, i think the easiest thing to do is to just talk about it with the child from the very start. i have an adopted child and it is something i have always talked with himm about. otherwise it is really hard to "decide" when they will be old enough or when is a "good" time. i talked with my son as soon as he was born-- just saying things to him like I'm so glad we got to adopt him and how lucky we are to have him and how much his birthparents loved him and how much we love him and are happy he is ours, etc. it is much easier to start saying these kinds of things jsut in general to a baby when they have really no idea what you're talking about. then it becomes very natural for you to talk about it and when they do understand, just as they understand other things, they will understand that they had been adopted. the child will have questions and will understand different things in different ways as they get older.

it is very important for you to come up with an "adoption story" for your child. i think the truth is clearly the point but, also your child needs to be able to identify himself with the story and know that it is his story. just as a mother of biological children tells them the story of their birth (not at a particular "time" but, all along the way), an adoptive parent can do the same. there are lots of good books to help you and for you to read to your child. i find myself being very picky about how i want to explain adoption to my kids and i read the books first to be sure they say things the way i want them to and i don't buy books about adoption that say things in ways i'm not comfortable with. the one book i will recommend specifically to you is called "Did My First Mother Love Me?" i don't remember the author but, i've never seen a book written from that point of view. it's a simple but beautifully written picture book that explains why the child was given up. it is so important for an adopted child to know that they were given up for reasons to benefit them and that they were loved.

Answer 26

ASAP

When they get older and you tell them they will have to reevaluate how they think about themselves and you!  Let them know how much you love them and that the other mother wanted the best for them and now you're caring for them because you love them and also want the best for them.

Answer 27

We adopted two children at birth and although they are still quite young, we talk about their birthmother and their adoption with them often.  Even though they can't understand it right now, we still tell their life story in our dialogue with them.

I do not want my children to ever remember a time when they found out they were adopted.  I want them to always know that is how this family was created.

Waiting to tell a child, even when they are 5, 6, or 7 could have very serious emotional consquences for the child.

*Edited to add:  Also, if we didn't tell them until our children until they were older, we'd have a lot of explaining to do when they saw the pictures of their birth and another lady holding them besides me right after they were born!

Answer 28

I was adopted and I always knew I was. It was something I was brought up knowing and I think that that was the best way. My adopted parents would explain to me about my real parents with the help of toy owls explaining why I was adopted, (becuase my mummy was to young to look after me properly) and that I was special because I was chosen. It's the best why believe me. I have known children to completely hate their parents for not telling them at the start, and some families never recover. Let your child grow up knowing, it won't make them any less your child.

And yes I was adopted at birth so I didn't have any memory my real parents.

Answer 29

when they are able to "get it" this varies.  don't treat it like it's not an everyday conversation.  relaxed and just like any other informational talk, same as you would talk to your kids about s*x.  not a comfortable situation but needs to be done.

Answer 30

I would wait till they asked about it first.

No reason to make an issue of it until they ask.

Answer 31

The word adoption should be a part of your language with your child always, even as an infant. Be careful who you share the details with, but, when he/she begins to ask questions, is when you need to start talking about his/her story.  Usually, most adoptees will begin anywhere between 6 & 9 years of age.  Read books to learn how to best explain the details to him/her at such an early age, so that they come away with confidence, and not confusion or displacement.