When is the right time for adopted kids to meet b-mother? (Sorry, pretty long!)?

Question

My youngest son is 13 yrs-old and has been living with us off and on since he was 5; we adopted him when he was 8. He was severely abused and neglected before he was removed from his b-father’s care and placed in our home as a Foster child. His b-mother left him with the b-father when he was less than 6 months old. She had no contact with him since then. She did not even respond to the Court when they sent letters re: terminating her parental rights.

His b-father was a relative of my ex-husband. So, he is actually a 2nd cousin to my other boys. He has regular contact with relatives on his b-father’s side of the family. My ex-husband will take him a lot of times and include him in family things. He has spent a lot of time with his older brother (24 Yrs-old). He also has a lot of contact with other family members on his B-father’s side of the family. His B-father passed away a couple of years ago and we gave our son the option of going to the funeral. He chose to go.

Answer 1

why on earth would you want them to?  my goodness, haven't they suffered enough abuse and neglect from their parents?

talk about opening a can of worms.

Answer 2

Well I was in foster care from the time I was three months old I had been in three foster homes with my older brother who was two at the time. Me and him went through the kind of abuse you probably cant even imagine our dad waas the only one who inflicted that abuse on us our mother was jst to scared to say anything because she was scared of him and what he would do to her. Well anyway my brothers real dad came and got custody of him took him away I turned nine and i was adopted a few months later. All my life i've been curiouse about my b-parents my adopted mom said when i turned 16 she would help me find them and get in contact with them well im 18 now she never did help me find them i had to do it all on my own, I never did meet my dad and tecnically i never want to but my mom and two younger sisters are awsome!! I told my b-mom that i would never forgive my dad, but it might take me some time to forgive her but in the mean time i think it is a good thing for adopted children to meet their b-parents because thier adoptive parents cant anserw every question the child might have about their past or about what happened to them and why it happened, dont you think? this isjust my oppinion as a child who has whent through the same thing but worse.

Answer 3

I agree with a lot of what Annabelle says. Although I would push it off for as long as possible. 18 if possible. Do you really want your son to feel any more hurt from this women (I know you don't) It's really up to if he wants to and when - I suppose. Good luck to you and your son.

Answer 4

i am adopted and 13, 14 in a week

and i have been wondering recently about my b-mother and b-father, neither i have met.

Answer 5

Has he expressed curiosity or actually asked to meet her?  I think that when he actually asks and wants to meet her, it is time.  Denying him will cause resentment; something neither one of you wants.

Just make sure he understands that the outcome may not be pleasant, and be there for him if this does happen.

Answer 6

Well under normal circumstances it is best for the visits to begin as early as possible. It sounds like your son may be going to experience some rejection though and 13 is such a difficult age...this is hard. Have you asked his therapist?  Maybe you could help him write a letter and send it (provided you know where to send it to) Ask her to respond by mail-get a po box if you feel more comfortable. Then you can read the response first just to make sure its appropriate-although if she does respond it prob will be. You would just have to prepare him for the possibility that she wont.

Good luck to both of you!