When it comes to adoptive parenting, do we have to "earn" our title of mom and dad?

Question

Or is it just a given the way it is with bio parents? And first parents, do you feel/have you been expected to "earn" the title back? While I believe that I could never love a bio child more than my daughter, I do recognize that our relationship was forged differently, though certainly not less than. That makes me wonder, since our relationship wasn't forged by nature, if we have an added responsibility to earn the title of mom through our actions in extra ways that bio parents simply don't. Parents raising bio children may horribly abusive, but still they maintain the title and for the most part, their children still recognize them as "mom and dad." But if we see adoptive parenting as more of a priviledge as opposed to a right, then should abusive parents lose the title? I know all the aparents here love their kids to death, so it's not about abuse, but I wonder if aparents in general DO feel like they need to earn their title? If any of this makes sense...

Answer 1

I don't feel as if I've had to "earn" the title of Mom from my son (who was adopted), but I do sometimes feel that way when other people find out I became a parent through adoption. Those people and their opinions don't matter, but sometimes it still hurts to know that others don't respect my relationship with my child as much as they would if I'd given birth to him.

Answer 2

No more than any other parent.  I have heard plenty of biological kids, raised by their biological parents, who call them by their first names, instead of mom and dad.

Answer 3

I do think A-parents need to work harder to earn the mom-dad titles and sometimes they never do.

Where I work, women who give birth are thrown huge baby showers. I brought my adopted son home in March, and... I got a card.  

I did have two showers thrown by friends and family BTW

Answer 4

A-parents don't really have to "earn" the title, but they do have to give their child time to learn who you are.

When a child is inside the womb a bond is grown. Whether the mother speaks to the child or not, it still hears her voice and grows to know that voice.

Same goes with the father.

This is the way nature intended things, but as we all know not all things go as nature had planned.

So don't think of it as "earning", its more like just giving him/her time to get to know you and love you.

Answer 5

I think ALL parenting, bio and adoptive, is a privilege and ALL parents need to "earn" the title of mom and dad by being the best parents they can be to their children.

Answer 6

I think that it all depends on the relationship with the kid.  If my biological parents showed me little love and my foster parents loved me like their own, I would love them back just as much and show very little emotion to my biological parents.  After all, it's not the DNA, but what you do with it.

Answer 7

We have a bio child, and an adopted child.  We treat them the same way, and I don't feel that I have to earn anything from one differently than the other.

Remember: anyone can be a mother and father (all you need are working reproductive systems).  But it takes special people to become Mommy and Daddy.

Answer 8

i think that no one is made a mom or dad by having children...they are mother and father. the moment you decide to live for someone else is the moment you become MOM and DAD

Answer 9

Although I think every parent needs to "earn" the title of mom or dad, we did feel an obligation both to our children and their first-parents to go "above and beyond", and try to be the best parents we could.

We understand that even though we adopted our children at 6 months old, they had already been through a lot emotionally, and would have issues to deal with that a biological child would not face. We knew from the beginning that we needed to always put our children's needs first.

Answer 10

first off i got adopted at age 12 i am now 19 n married... in a way u do need to earn ur tile by law the only reason y they need to decide if u r right 4 da kid is because they want to make sure u can get ur new kid a better place to live then he was in b4... they will do all types of things background check income house...ect....

Answer 11

Yep. You have to earn it because an adopted child will need to feel it.  They will have to face their loss and it your job as an adoptive parent to be there for them emotionally. You can't believe in the biological mother/ child bond because you don't have one and its not an option. Its fine you don't understand or comprehend it but just don't try to make the child you adopted feel it. It will just confuse them more.  

Giving birth is a god given right, adoption is not. You have to earn the right to adopt another woman's child despite what the situation is. Its not fair but there are many things in this world that aren't.   I wouldn't compare yourself to a biological mother because who really knows how you would have dealt with the situation if you were in her shoes especially when adopting from a country completely different then the one you live in.

China is very different then the US/Canada and women and children have less rights.

Answer 12

Yes! And in so many ways!

Just because someone tells you that the kids are yours does not make you a parent.

Answer 13

No, you're automatically Mom and Dad via legal fiction

Answer 14

I have about 19 kids in and out of my house, a few I've had temporary custody of, both legally, and just because they didn't have a home until I helped them find their ways.  All these kids call me 'Mom", even though I didn't ask, nor expect it.  It is an honor that they feel that way.  I believe it's because I treat them better than their real parents do, with respect, love, a good warm meal, and even some dicipline.

My adopted son has heard them call me "Mom" and tries to say it now.  The love in his eyes is there.  In the visits his 1st mom did do (up until a little over a month old), my son always wanted me.  He'd cry whenever she picked him up, held him, or anything.  The second I picked him up, he quieted down.  He even did this at the hospital when he was born.  I don't feel the need to earn this title anymore with any of "my kids", whether it's the youngest, who happens to be legally adopted, the oldest, who I gave birth to, or all the ones in between, who just love me because I love them.  Our family tree has a lot of branches, and every once in a while, one will fall off, but the seedlings grow around where they are nurtered, and they come back around, just because they know what love and nurtering is.

Answer 15

Parents become parents through love. I don't think it matters how the child came into the family. My mom always says, "There are two ways for a bird to get into a house- through the door, and through the window. But once it's in the house, it's in the house." Meaning it doesn't matter if the child is adopted or is a biological child- they are still part of the family regardless. Love makes a family- not blood.

Best wishes! :)