When my biracial daughter gets older.. What should i tell her?

Question

I left the father when i was pregnant because he was cheating on me since before i got pregnant but i decided to trust him anyway..

After we broke up we had an agreement that he'd help pay for hospital visits and he'd pay child support and buy his own supplies for the baby.. Well i guess after reality set in for him he decided it wasn't for him even though he already had a 4 year old daughter that he saw once in awhile..

So i was a single mom and actually preferred it that way since he smoked pot and stole and just was a bad person.

I met a guy and we later got married. My daughter calls him daddy because he's all she's known as a father figure type..

She'll be 3 this year and i was just wondering when she gets older what will i tell her when she realizes that she doesn't look like daddy and not much like mommy either..

She's half black and half white and my husband and i are white..

Her skin is light and she has hazel eyes but she has the fathers features and everyone i cross knows she mixed with something..

What should i say? I don't want to say bad things about him but i don't want to make him seem like he was a good thing either..

Im just worried about it..

Answer 1

only the truth you tell her, so things become clear for her when she grow up.

you tell her exactly what you mentioned here, it was not your fault.

Answer 2

While she is young just tell her things didn't work out with her real father.  I would hold off until she was maybe in her teen years to explain all the details.

Answer 3

The truth for starters. I have 2 mixed grandchildren and it's never been a secret to them or a problem. But please don't think you are sheltering your daughter by not telling her the truth. If her real father is on her birth certificate then  trust and believe that the day she needs her BC will be very tragic for her when she reads it and sees another mans name on it. You can always make sure she knows that not only is she a very lucky child but a very special one because her new dad chose to be her dad and that's not offten the case.

Answer 4

Just tell her the truth,it is not gonna be as hard as you feel that it will be.Love for that child will mean more to her than anything,so dont worry it will be fine.

Answer 5

As a biracial person who also never knew her biological father, I can tell you that you are absolutely right in that she will have questions.  I later found out my dad was a deadbeat, but when I first asked my mom questions about him, she never talked badly about him.  All she said was that they did not love each other any more, but she is so happy that she met him because they made a beautiful daughter that she loves very much.  I think as long as your daughter knows that you and your husband love her, her birth father will matter less.  But you cannot ignore the obvious.  It will only make her feel like you're hiding something or something is wrong with her.

Good luck!

Answer 6

I think no matter how you decide to explain it to her, it should be done at a young age. I just dint get why some parents decide to NEVER tell their kids who there real Dad was/is. It is easier at a young age because if they grow up knowing the truth- she wont be in shock when shes 15 wondering why everyone kept it a secret. At a young age she will probably have a lot of questions but she wont hold a grudge against you.

Answer 7

Your husband his her dad, that will never changed.

Her biological father was never there for her, of course you don't want to tell her that he is a loser that couldn't get his act together, but you do need to tell her the truth softly. Start young, she probably notices a difference already. Give her very very little at a time, as she gets older, tell her more of the truth, but never trash talk her father! She will always want him to ber like some kind of a hero to her, until she realizes that he will never change, and maybe even hate him. Just tell her as little as possible for now, and when she asks tell her the truth! Do no lie to her, she may be three but your her mom and she trust you, don't lie to her and break this mother daugther trust at such a young age. Good luck.