When parents disagree on parenting styles and discipline?

Question

Save the "you should have thought of that prior to getting married and having children", I'm already aware of that.

Would counseling be able to help us w/ this? (We've been for other issues but I wasn't sure if it would help w/ this one.) A certain type of counseling or would the marriage counselor we saw before be able to help?

Anyone been through this that would like to share their stories?

Thanks!

Answer 1

Counseling may be able to help but i think you should both ask the same question: What form of discipline is in the best interest of the the children. Then ask the question behind that question.

That question is : What form of discipline will teach in love as well as provide an appropriate penalty for breaking the rules ?

Also each of you need to define whether discipline in youre mind is about CONTROLING the child or teaching the child .

This is key .

Answer 2

If your husband and yourself can not come to an agreement on how to raise the children, then yes counseling could help. Try a family counselor over a marriage counselor. Good luck

Answer 3

Yes, counselling would be good.  You HAVE to respect each other's opinions though.  Going ahead with one form of discipline that the other parent disagrees with can drive couples apart.

Answer 4

Concelling can help. We didn't go that route. For us it was a hard lesson in compromise. I still disagree with some things, but he's their parent too. When I can show him my way works better, we do it. When his does, we do that. Neither of us knows it all or is perfect. Just because I stay at home doesn't mean my way is more valid. I try to get down to the reasoning of why he wants it a certain way, then we talk about that. Not the action, but why we want it our way. Sometimes that is enough. He and I were both raised very differently, so its interesting to see how differently he sees things. There are a few things I'll go rounds with him about (anger issues, how loud he gets), but otherwise I try to compromise with him. The first time our son asked if I'd divorce Daddy because he scares him, my husband was very upset and realized the anger and yelling was only hurting the kids. Sometimes it takes your child's view to get the other partner to see reality. My husband is a wonderful guy and 90% of the time he's a great Dad. But he's parenting from the way he was raised (and sees as normal)  and some of that I just cannot let him do.

Answer 5

Counseling will only help if one or both of you are willing to change. My husband and his ex couldn't make it work because she wasn't willing to change. She thought she was "perfect" despite what the counselor said and that the counselor was just against her. Her daughter is in counseling now because of her parenting habits. The counselor likes her or so it appears to me.

It can work but it requires effort from both people. You have to acknowledge there is a problem and be willing to make adjustments for the benefit of each other and the children. It's not easy.

edit: Littleor: You are so wise. I didn't think of it that way before. I'm interested in teaching. I'm pretty sure that I am. But the parent is more interested in controlling. It makes perfect sense. Thank you!

Answer 6

My hubby and I argue a bit about our different theories but generally I am home so my way wins.  But I tape Dr.Phil shows and the ones that apply he and I watch together, because I tend to agree with Dr.Phil and his staff of doctors he brings on the show.  

Why don't the two of you pick up some recommended books on parenting together.  And remember compromise and communication (not arguing) is the best way to resolve things in a marriage.

Counseling could help I'm sure, if he is willing then go for it!

btw, sometimes posting a question on here with details that both you and your spouse wrote can give some good answers, this forum helped me a lot with my marriage and parenting.

oh and another thing, NEVER discuss parenting in front of the kids, let things go at the moment and bring it up after the kids have gone to bed.

Answer 7

First of all, I don't if any two parents would agree all the time. I know from personal experience there are many times my wife and I don't always agree. Here is what we do.

1) First we agree that we both love our kids and they must come first.

2) Second, when we can we try to come up with a compromise.

3) We realize the other parent is not always going to be around or the other parent may need to make a decision or punishment without input from the other spouse. We agree to respect each others decisions, and uphold them. The last thing you want is a good cop, bad cop situation and when one child gets punished come rushing to the other parent only to have the decision overturned.

I can't emphasize how important it is for each parent to back up each other.

4) Never argue about a parenting decision in front of the kids. If a child wants to stay up late for example to watch a movie and one parent thinks its ok and the other parent does not, have a private conversation, try to reach a compromise with the other spouse and make sure you have a united decision.  

5) Communication is really important. My wife works at home and I away all day. It is important to understand as a dad what is going on all day so I can make better decisions and support my wifes decision. The opposite is also true for when as a Dad I spend most of the day with the kids, I make sure my wife is kept up to date. Communicate, communicate, communicate.....

Those are just some ideas, the key is to realize how important all decisions are when you raise your kids and how important it is that parents try to reach common decisions. This should help with tremendously with discipline issues down the line. I hope this helps. I could write a book on this topic. Thankyou for letting me share.

Kevin

Answer 8

If you have a church you go to then the chaplan may help, there are also marriage retreats too.

But Yes, therapy can help combine parenting styles that would be best for the children and what would work for both of you.

As a single mother I can say we both have Very different styles, and the Dept of children and family has help, my ex with his style of parenting.