When should I tell my son's adoptive parents that I'm pregnant again?

Question

I placed my son for adoption and it's been an incredibly hard time since. I just recently found out I'm pregnant again and I'm SO excited. It's made the loss of my son easier to handle knowing I have someone on the way to fill my empty arms. I'm nervous to tell the adoptive parents though. I'm afraid of what they'll think of me. How long do you think I should wait to tell them? or should I tell them at all? we have a semi open adoption and I hear from them once every 3 months.

Thanks in advance for the advice. (No negative answers about being pregnant please. It was planned and I am absolutely thrilled.)

Answer 1

you don't owe them any eplainations.  tell them whenever you feel comfortable.

and congrats.

Answer 2

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I don't think you should keep your pregnancy a secret from them, but I would not go out of my way to tell them. Just mention it during your next contact.

"I thought you should know, I am expecting a baby in May (or whenever). I don't know how you feel about letting John (?)  know, but I thought it would be best if you heard it from me. If you want him to know about his brother or sister, I can send pictures for him."

Or something along that line. You should not worry about them looking down on you. Hopefully they are caring enough to realize that it is because of YOU that they are even parents. If they do look down on you, then that is something they have to work through, not you.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 3

I am so happy for you! You have no reason to feel any guilt or shame.... you're having a baby!

When in doubt, don't. That's what I've learned. When you haven't any doubt about telling them, tell them. Follow your instincts, we have them for a reason. You'll know when it's ok.

Best wishes to you!!

Answer 4

weill i guess be honest with them  be cause open adoption ijust found my son who ilost to adoption  andi feel we are buliding a realinship also found his dad  and we are getting back to gether good luck

Answer 5

Tell them whenever you feel comfortable, but you should definitely tell them.  Since you have an open relationship with them, they may want to start thinking about how to tell your son (or what to tell your son) about his sibling.

You can treat them like anyone else that you'd tell about your pregnancy and take the safe 3 month rule.  After 12 weeks is a good time to begin announcing your pregnancy.  Why not just wait until then to tell them.  

And don't worry about what you think they'll think of you.  That's too much stress and who wants that?  Enjoy your baby and your pregnancy.  

Congratulations!

Answer 6

Marie that's disgusting.  You are doing nothing to help some of the thinking that adoptive parents are nothing more than vultures or baby snatchers.  i mean really your very first thought would be how could you get your hands on this child too?  That's sick.  What makes you feel you are entitled to everything that comes out of this woman's womb?????

As for the question, don't worry so much.  As an adoptive parent i agree with who cares what they think.  But i also agree you should tell them at some point.  This is your baby and who you tell when is your decision.  My daughter's other mother got pregnant when she was 18 months old.  My first thoughts were nowhere near anything like i want that baby too, or even if she was calling to ask us to adopt that baby.  

I was happy for her, because she was happy.  She didn't need to ask my permission to conceive, nor does she need my blessing.  I was glad to know, because we have an open adoption and one of the main reasons for it was because we wanted our daughter to know her siblings.  We feel knowing her mother is important as well.  But also thought that her siblings as well and her are the ones that had no say in her adoption and keeping them away or not knowing each other was in no ones best interest.

So congrats and i hope you are received and congratulated by your daughter's adoptive family as well.

Answer 7

Congratulations!!

I went through the exact same thing. I understand your issue. Samone is correct, btw. How old is your son?

I was like you and didnt know how to tell them.

If you are open and honest I am sure they will be supportive.. you gave them one of the greatest joys in the world.

Now being a mother, I get to experience the same joy you gave the adoptive parents. Its an unbelievable feeling and I'm reminded everytime I look at my daughter.

I gave up a son 4 years ago (his b-day was last month) and had a daughter last August. I think it depends on your relationship with the adoptive parents. My adoption with my son is open. We mostly communicate via email, it is the most convienant for us. ( I ended up telling them in an email) I am lucky.. my sons adoptive parents are very understanding. They also adopted a daughter before my son and have an open relationship with thier little girls birth mom. The previous birth mom got pregnant and kept that child so I knew it'd be okay for me when I became pregnant agian. My sons adoptive parents were very understanding and wished me congratulations.

Answer 8

they are obviously nice understanding people to have adoptied your son and still let you see him, i don't think they are going to think any less of you and will proberbly congratulate you on your pregnany i would wait untill your past the 3 month safety mark before you tell them though.

Congratulations

How's the process of getting your son back going if you don't mind me asking?

Answer 9

You're afraid of what they'll think of you?

When I found out that my son's mother was pregnant I was thrilled for her.  But I agree with 'who cares what they think?' and no, you don't have to tell them at all if you don't want to & don't see them.

Answer 10

You need to tell them because they are going to have the responsibility of teaching their/your son about his heritage. This is his sibling and they are honor-bound as loving parents to help him learn how to cope with the burden of this truth as he grows up. They may need to find a therapist to help him work through his feelings and emotions.

If you do not tell them, you will be doing them (and him) a terrible disservice, because some day he WILL find out. People are much more damaged by lies than any truth. By telling his adoptive parents now, they can take his entire childhood to help him comprehend the situation, a little bit more each year as he matures.

Your discomfort shouldn't be your top priority. Your son needs you to tell the truth to his parents.

And please remember that the fetus inside you is NOT a replacement baby. He/she is a unique individual. If you have access to a therapist or religious counselor, please consult with them now to work through any unresolved grief issues, so that you can focus and be the best possible parent for this new child.

Answer 11

quite honestly, i would consider the importance of them knowing ranked below the milkman and the cable guy!  

in other words, your pregnancy, and any subsequent reproductive health issues are none of their business. your arrangement with them was to relinquish your first child. not to live a chaste and child-free life.  

quite honestly, you owe them no explanation and deserve no judgement for your subsequent pregnancy.  

have a wonderful pregnancy, and if it comes up, great. if not,  cest le vie!  but, i would let them know (especially if the adoption remains open) that at some point, you'd want to let your child meet his/her sibling.

ETA: marie, i've never called someone out on Y!A but you're my first... how absolutely insensitive of you to even voice such a thought!  you believe that this asker should conceal her pregnancy because if this were your child's f-mom, you'd want to adopt that baby too?  so in other words, every first mom is eternally indebted to consider that feelings of the aparents; and risk pressure to give up her child to them whenever she gets pregnant from now on?  my God, haven't these young women done enough?  i'm sorry, the entitlement of some aparents to another woman's child is sickning!  

i'll look forward to my violation report :-(

Answer 12

oh congratulations first of all!!!!

i think you should tell them when you feel real comfortable about it coz its your child this time-take your time-its not that they'll report you somewhere if you didnt teel em!!!

Do it before the belly strts to show!!!

Answer 13

Tell them-Its better for them to know so they can tell your son if they wish,and & explain the situation.And if they don't support you.Thats evil!!!You gave them your kid!!They really should support you 100%.You gave them the best gift they'll ever recieve.

Congrats,and good luck!xox

Answer 14

Congrats!  

Most miscarriages happen in the first trimester, so if you want to wait until your second (13 weeks) to tell them I think that is best.

Don't listen to the idiot that said that an adoptive mom is a snatcher...they are not.  I'm very sure they will be glad for you.  You gave them the biggest treasure they have, and knowing that you are pregnant and able to keep your baby will give them joy.  

Another good thing about telling them is that your oldest son will know that he has a sibling out there.  I knew I had a sister out there, and I always imagined her and thougth about her...she was my strenght without her knowing it.  We lost our mom when I was 15 months, and they separated us...when she was 14 she found us.  It was the greatest day of my life.  To my surprise she looked exactly as I imagined her...the living image of my mom (I only had one picture of her).

Knowing you have someone that shares your genes out there can be very soothing for someone.

Answer 15

Congratulations!

It's up to you about when or if you tell them, but I'd certainly let them know if you want your new child to have any kind of relationship with your first child... or just to know about his/her existence.

Answer 16

Good for you. You can tell them whatever you like. You made their lives happier by giving them a child. Now that you are ready to have a child of your own it shouldn't matter what anyone thinks of you but your kids. Congratulations!!!

Answer 17

Congratulations.  tell them when you are ready.  I would agree with others about the adoptive parents being interested in your second child too... So I would be protective of when/how you tell them.

I am an adoptive Mom, and I am happy for my son's biological mom who has 3 other kids.  One day, when my son asks I can let him know that info.  I do not hide any info from him about his adoption or heritage, but I also want to respect his biological mothers life too.

Answer 18

I'm wondering how old your son is just out of curiosity...

(not that it really matters)

Life is too short to worry about what other people think of you....there's a very true statement that goes something like this....

"People that matter don't mind and people who mind don't matter"

I would tell them though only because of the fact,that will be your son's sister or brother...and I think he has a right to know...I would worry  though however about how that's going to make him feel....(that you gave him up but you're keeping this one)So when he gets old enough you will have to explain to him why you were able to keep this one and not him(and hopefully the adoptive parents will do the right thing and tell him the true reasons why).But,ofcourse it's to be expected that you would have more children when you were able to,so don't worry about that.

Congratulations with your new baby!!!

:O)

Answer 19

Don't worry about what they think about you.  If this was the right decision for you then it doesn't matter what they think.  It is important that their son knows he has a brother out there, and if possible to form a relationship....

Answer 20

You obviously made your decision to give up your first child out of love. It sounds like you have had second thoughts which is very understandable. I'm so happy for you to be pregnant with a child that you feel you can keep. If you want to be a part of your son's life, I think you should tell the adoptive parents. Depending on how old he is, your son may be confused with why you chose for him to have an adoptive family and are keeping this new baby with you. Maybe write him a letter. Be honest with him but (again depending on his age) be careful how deep you get. Try to put yourself in his shoes and say what you would want to hear.

Answer 21

I think it's completely up to you!   The child will be your son's sibling, so since you are in a semi-open adoption situation, you will most likely want him to know he has a brother or sister at some point.  

If I were in your situation, where you KNOW you are going to keep and raise this child, I would not say anything to the adoptive family until after the child is born.  I am an adoptive parent, and if I knew one of my children had a sibling, my first inclination would be to want to adopt my child's sibling.  But I know in my heart that it would not be fair to put this kind of pressure on the birth mother, or even let her know that I was interested.  If you wait until your baby is born, you will avoid any kind of pleading or pressure from the adoptive parents to adopt your younger child.

Answer 22

why should you care what they think. tell them and make sure they know you plan to be a god parent. dont let the baby be a replacement for your son though and make sur he knows this because he couldnt be replaced only added to if you cach my drift

Answer 23

None of their business.If you are child-bearing age common sense tells one that you will have other children . Hopefully you will have support of the father..What do you think of yourself is more important and in the long term what will you first born think of you giving him up for adoption and keeping another sibling. I'm not saying this out of meanness just something I've seen happen to a friend who anguished and suffered about being in the the same situation. If you see them every 3 months they will see your stages of pregnancy anyway.I wonder if you deeply regret the adoption.

Answer 24

Marie's answer made me sick.

I would not tell your son's adoptive parents until after your buddle of joy is born. But ultimately it is your desicion.

Answer 25

I think the truly sad part in all of this is that first parents end up fearing that even perfectly normal things in life, life having another child, may upset the apple cart enough to cause their adoption to close.  

I can't begin to imagine how awful it would be to have this over my head for 18 years.

It's nice that Marie was honest, but this is just the kind of selfish thinking that adopted people can only hope doesn't (or didn't) go through the minds of their own adoptive parents.  I'd be disgusted to know that my own amom had these sorts of thoughts.

Really, it's entirely up to you as to whom you tell when about your pregnancy.  Congratulations on your pregnancy and I wish you a wonderful future!

Answer 26

Why do they have to know? Are you all going to tell their son who you really are later on? Will you always be involved in his life? Will he know you gave him life? If that's the case, then I can see why you would tell them so their son knows he has a sibling. Obviously, they will find out sooner or later. I would tell them after your 3rd month, to make sure you are healthy and not, God willingly, not lose the baby. I say that becuz many people don't tell others they are pregnanct until their 2nd trimester incase they have a miscarriage, then they don't have to tell everyone that she no longer is pregnant.

Answer 27

I do think you should tell them...their son will now have a baby brother or sister.

Answer 28

Congratulations!  I'd suggest telling your son's adoptive parents when, if and how much you feel comfortable.  It isn't any of the adoptive parents' business, I agree, but it would be nice for your son to know that he will have a younger sibling and hopefully they can have some kind of relationship.  

Good luck.

Answer 29

Congratulations, that is very exciting!!!

Since you do have a semi-open adoption, I would suggest telling them, but when you are ready, I'm sure they will be just as happy for you.

Your son is going to have a sibling and he does deserve to know this, and hopefully have a relationship with him/her.

Again, congratulations on your pregancy!

Answer 30

Congratulations - that's wonderful.  I am so sorry that you had such a hard time with relinquishing your son.

I guess I do not understand why you are afraid of what they will think of you.  Do they feel that they are somehow morally superior to you?  Are you afraid that they will be jealous that you can get pregnant?  I have heard that first parents have to "walk on eggshells" with adoptive parents or contact will be cut off, but this is carrying things a little far.

I would not tell them until after your baby is born and you are settled with him/her.  It is none of their business.  If you think they will react negatively, why let them rain on your happiness?  They might also start pushing to get this child too and that might put you in a very uncomfortable position with them.

ETA:  I think that Marie is merely the messenger here.  What she describes is very, very common.  There was a whole thread on another forum discussing feelings of entitlement that adoptive parents have toward subsequent siblings borne by the "birth" mothers of their adopted children.  Some were in a snit because they were not given first "dibs" in an adoption or that the mother felt that she was able to keep the baby.  Sorry- that is reality.  I have also seen recommendations to stay close with the "birth" mother in case she gets pregnant again or if any of her friends get pregnant.  They call it "networking".  I think that the danger is very real here.

Answer 31

I just went through this. It can be very scary. I waited until my baby was a month old and we were very sttled in before thelling them I was very afraid of them trying to take this baby too. I also didn't want any of their stress taking away from the joy  of this pregnancy. They got my child but I'll be damned if they get anymore of my life.

You really do need to be prepared for the emotions a new pregnancy can bring up. I had no idea how hard it would be. If you ever need to talk to someone who has been there email me. Its much better to talk and even cry it out than to hold it all in

and Congrats on your new bundle of joy!!!!!! Enjoy every second of it!