When should I tell my son??

Question

I have a 6 yr old son that is a product of a rape. My husband has always considered him his, he knows he's not though. My son and older daughter has no idea. I have no way to contact the biological father, don't really care to. But my question is if and when is the time to tell my son, that the wonderful man that he thinks is his father, isn't? What do I do when he wants to know who he is? Do I explain to him he was conceived in evil and not love? Please someone help!!!

Answer 1

I think anytime is okay to explain that his daddy isn't actually his biological father.

However, I dont' think you should tell him  that  he was a produce a rape. I don's see the good in it at all.... now or ever.

I hope you figure out something to say and whatever it is please make sure it is something you are comfortable sharing.

Lots of Luck!

Answer 2

there really is no set age for this kind of thing. its when ever you believe he is ready to know. I myself was adopted and didnt know it until i was 15. i am now 17 and nothing has changed. my biological mother got pregnant with me when she and one of her good friends were drunk. she wasnt ready to have another kid so she gave me up to my great aunt for adoption.  my parents never told me i was adopted. i ended up finding the papers. i was mad at first but once i heard what my parents had to say i understood. i dont look at them any different and i still love them all the same. and your son will too.

Answer 3

Your delema is hard but if you agree with your husband to not tell him what is the harm to him.

On the other hand if you wait and tell him as an adult at some point you will rob him of who he has thought he is.

WHY tell him   just love him

Answer 4

"Adoption"/conception information should never really be "kept" from children.  That's how this issue becomes emotionally "loaded", and leaves some children feeling hurt and decieved.  

The sooner the better. But please get some expert advice from an ADOPTION counselor, or --- Lois Melina, for example -- She is an adoption author with several books on the topic.

YOU must both feel comfortable, before you can expect this little boy to accept this news with any kind of grace.

Expect anger, expect defiance, expect denial, expect him to act as if nothing happened.  All a sign he needs patience, time, understanding and inclusion.

Point out the way he resembles your husband -- the way they both eat pepperoni pizza, or both have brown eyes, or both sing well.  Talk and read in your home and family in positive terms about ALL kinds of families -- different races, children who are being raised by grandparents, multi-racial families, foster kids who become adopted, step parents, etc.  The message?  All kinds of families are good families as long as they care for and love one another!  This is the foundation that needs to be laid from infancy on.  You will have some ground to cover to make sure he gets the positive message.  But remember, children have to fully understand anatomy in order to fully understand adoption or similar issues.  Don't overwhelm him.  Just tell him that just like all the families you have talked about, or read about, YOUR FAMILY is like that too -- formed from love!  Don't single him out as being "different" from others in the family -- instead,point out how you are alike -- because you love each other, support each other, live in the same house, eat meals together, have Christmas together, and will be together forever, etc.  Be sure to never say that your husband is not his father, or his real father!  Instead, your husband simply did not "make" him with mommy.  He's his daddy because he "chose" to be his Daddy because he loves him so much.  

In terms of the rape -- I see no need for him (or anyone) to know this.  If, on the other hand, you have unfortunately told others, you must tell him.  But not now.  He must be stable and secure, and able to understand biology fully before this information is shared.   He will need to be emotionally grounded and secure with his father first.  And let some time pass.

I hope this helps.  It is a very sticky wicket and must be handled with care.  Good luck!

Answer 5

I would wait until he is in his teen years until you tell him this. You should try until then to find a way to find his biological father, because he's obviously going to want to find him. When you do tell him, you need to be prepared for LOTS of questions and confusion. I'd have information ready.

Answer 6

tell him when he is old enough- like 18, when he knows what rape is and knows that u and ur husband love him no matter how he was created, make sure ur husband takes part so he puts in the part that its ok that he aint his... and dont try 2 make him seem like a mistake

im glad u had ur son even in the circumstances

Answer 7

um thats a hard one i dont know what to say.... but dont say that he was born in evil that would make him think he is unloved

Answer 8

dont tell him untill he can fully comprehend what rape is....

probally @ 18 or so

Answer 9

Wow, that's a tough one.   I am a firm believer of telling a child as soon as they can understand that the parent they believe is theirs is not if that is the case.  However, in your case I really don't know how you would tell a child that.  I believe honesty is the best policy, but sometimes it's not?  

I found this website: http://www.voicesofstrength.org/pregnanc...

They have a message board there, perhaps you could post on there, surely there are others that have gone through the same thing.  

I wish you the best of luck, and thank God that you have a wonderful husband!

Answer 10

i think its best to start slowly whilst the child is young, that way when he asks for the full story he wont feel like he's been lied to, and maybe its best not to say he was conceived through evil, it sounds like youre then saying that he's evil as a result. i would explain that a nasty man hurt you and thats how he was made, but then go onto say that your husband isnt he's biological father but he's still his daddy... and that even though he was born through hurt, youve always loved him very much.

Answer 11

I have a personal story your welcome to e-mail me if you like.

Answer 12

tell him on the day he gets married

Answer 13

Wait as long as possible to tell him. Maybe when he's 18.

Answer 14

this is coming from a child's point of view...

teach him (if he doesn't already know) that family is who loves you, NOT who's blood runs through your veins. Then perhaps break it to him lightly, but make sure he still understands that the loving man who he thinks is his father at the moment, is, in fact, still his daddy. If he asks who his biological father is, ask him if he would ever trade it... or something to that nature.

I hope this helped some.

Answer 15

I wouldn't tell him at all... unless there is a health issue at stake. If you love him, and he loves you, and everyone is happy, the information would only upset him and cause doubt..

but that's me.

Answer 16

I would say he definitely needs to be told, but I would do this as a family. Make sure in whatever setting he is told he is surrounded by people that love him.

And don't listen to that person above who said to tell him on his wedding day. That's just mean.

Answer 17

tell him as soon as he will be able to understand it maby like middle school

Answer 18

to be honest...i would never tell him! thats just sad..im just being strictly honest..it will crush him totally..then again it depends on how old he is..but if u insist on telling him..tell him when he is older like 25 years of age..good luck hun!

Answer 19

I am so sorry for you this can not be an easy discussion to have. I also think you need to talk to a child psychologist about how to go about telling this to your son.  Telling a person that they are a product of rape well who knows how they will handle that. I realize truth is the best policy yet in this situation it might be kinder to just say that you were with someone ONS and didn’t know anything about this person.  This would partly be the truth since you likely didn’t know your rapist. On the other hand it might put you in a bad light as he might assume you willing cheated on your husband , his dad.

I would never tell him he was conceived in Evil. If Evil must be used tell him his biological father was an evil man. However  insure him that this does not make him evil as all children are born innocent  and do not carry the sins of their biological parents.

I commend your husband though for being able to raise the child. That is an incredible feet one that many men would not be able to take on. Heck there are many men who can’t envision raising a baby that isn’t genetically theirs let alone the baby of the man who raped their wife.  I also commend you for not blaming your son for the sins of his genetic father.

Answer 20

Right now I would just tell him he was not conceived in the conventional way.   His father may not be his biological father but he is his daddy.  Also tell him that while he had a rather nonconvential beginning, he is loved by mommy and daddy no less.  My instinct would be not to tell anybody and let it be but that would not be fair to your son.  If he finds out later in life, he may feel lied to.  You could always just say that his daddy is not his biological father but his daddy loves him like he was.  You can also say that his daddy loves him more because he made the conscious decision that most fathers do not have.  The rest of what you say to your son would just depend on his maturity level.

Answer 21

I am always about telling the truth, but maybe you should consult a child psychologist on this one.  Sometimes truth is too painful for a lot of people, on the other hand, your son may feel betrayed and lied to the longer you wait.

Answer 22

I probably wouldn't tell him.But if I did, I would wait until he was much older.I would want him to be old enough to understand that it isn't any way his fault.Kids sometimes feel shame for things that they shouldn't.

My father abused my mother terribly.She left him when I was very young,And whenever someone would speak of him, or the things he had done, I would always feel depressed.Like I might be bad too, because I was his kid.And its also terrible to be expected to hate you re own father(No matter how bad of a person he is),It takes something away from you.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Take care.

Answer 23

I think you should tell when he turns 15 so you can explain to him everything and he can understand!

But one thing no son is conceived in evil  they are all conceived by Love no matter what!

Answer 24

tell him wen he's mature enough-dont ruin his life now.

Answer 25

Before you say something to your son about this, you need to find peace with this situation.  This is your problem, not his and you need to find a solution.

If you present this 'truth' to your son in this manner, what do you expect his reaction to be?  Do you just want to get it off your chest?  Do you want him to feel guilty for being a daily reminder of this crime?  He's six.

This little boy has a dad, he is the man who carries him piggyback and shows him how to throw a ball.  He's the man who helps him with his homework and tucks him in at night.  That's all he needs to know.  He's also got a mom and a sister.  In the big scheme of things, he's got most of the ingredients for everything he needs.

Nothing is solved or helped by your son learning about his conception.  (Do you feel compelled to discuss her conception with your daughter?)  Perhaps you feel differently, maybe you think putting aside this nugget is somehow keeping a lie.

Something bad happened to you, and while it was awful, you have this child who is not responsible and who shouldn't be punished by being made to feel different or unwanted or less a part of your life.  

Hopefully you will give consideration to getting some help to overcome these feelings and memories.  Your family health care provider or clergy person could give you referrals for counseling.  You might find rape survivor support groups in your town or on-line.  Once you can let go of these bad memories and focus on the present and future, then your original question will seem moot.

Answer 26

I think you should definitely wait for a long time. He's probably way too young, and will be to understand for a while. I would avoid telling him on any kind of special occasion; just try to pick out a good age, whatever you think makes sense, I would probably say 13 or so, first year of being a teenager, and sit him down on a regular day and tell him the whole thing.

Answer 27

I'm assuming you are looking for diverse viewpoints, but this is too important a decision to rely on the advice of strangers.

Should 5 minutes of an adult crime color a whole life? Inform yourself of all angles by legitimate sources before you utter a word to your son.

Answer 28

personally, i think discussions about unfortunate events that resulted in a child's conception or happened during a child's gestation (thoughts about abortion, adoption plans, rape, questions about paternity, et al) are better explained when the child is old enough to understand it.

at 6 yo. i doubt that your son even understands the concept of rape; hence explaining it to him will probably confuse him.  also, i don't see the need to disclose this to him at this time.

i recently told my son about my adoption plan (i changed my mind before his birth). although he was shocked, and a little sad to know that he might have been raised by somebody else, he also was old enough to understand the complexity of my relationship with his bio-father and the reasons why i made such a choice.  he also knows, without a doubt, that i love him; and can see my love for him and my discontent for his bio-father as mutually exclusive.

he's 16. and i only disclosed my plan to place him for adoption.  i can imagine how difficult it would be to explain a rape to a 6 yo.

i suggest getting some counseling to sort out your feeling regarding the rape.  and speaking with a child-development specialist about how best and when to disclose.

i wish you luck,,, and remember, regardless of his conception, you L.O.V.E. him!!!

Answer 29

I know people may say you should be honest but I probably wouldnt tell him at all either, if you tell him when hes young it could make it really difficult on him and he feels he was not wanted and conceived out of a horrible act that happened to you.  If you wait until he is older it could make it even worse because you didnt tell him from the start.  I would not tell any of his siblings either for any reason it could slip.  If it was me I would keep it between my husband and me.  Just my opinion. Sometimes not telling the whole truth can save a lot of heartaches.

Answer 30

I believe that as soon as you think the child can grasp the concept of a biological father vs. a father who has raised him is the time to tell him. As far as the conceived in evil part, It might be best to wait till the kid is older like over 15 or 16 so he can understand it's not his fault and what rape really is.

Answer 31

I wouldnt necessarily give him the details, i am a firm believer its always good to be truthful,to a point. Like you and daddy dont share the same blood, but he loves you more than anything in the world. His dad now, is his daddy, thats what matters to him, that other man was a sperm donor, and although that is awful and disgusting for someone to do, you have your beautiful son, who is yours and your husbands, period.He knows who his dad is, most likely, he wont even be intrigued to find the biological one, if he does, when hes an adult, well maybe then you can explain. But dont ever feel obligated to reveal something like that, but if you are very close to your son when hes older, you may feel you want to share.