When should a woman give up on an abusive husband? Please help; I'm so messed up!?

Question

My family don't want to hear about this anymore and I don't blame them. I'm 35. married 14 yrs, we have a son and daughter 8 and 6. I have left over the years 3 times and have come back out of fear and missing him ( I don't know why). I was supposed to leave and go to a woman's shelter 3 days ago and I couldn't do it. I had almost everything packed and ready to go and I just couldn't do it. He didn't even seem to care that I was leaving b/c he says it's his way or the highway. He is more verbal and emotional than physical( he has choked me a few times over 5 years ago).

What's really confusing to me is why am I always trying to please him when I am really not getting any of my needs met in this marriage. He doesn't cherish me or put me first. He doesn't care about my feeling or input really. He's gotten a little better with the screaming ( he used to holler in my face where I could feel his spit on my face all the time and he hasn't done that since the neighbors called the cops months ago).

He's more laid back now but still controlling but in a more subtle way. He dictates when and how the housework should be done and things need to be spotless. He says the house should look like a museum!! That's crazy to me. That's all he seems to care about: cooking, cleaning, s*x (which we don't really have b/c of his abuse, it turns me off). He brings home about $900 a week and complains about me not working when all he has to really pay is $575 for apt rent, no car not e or insurance and he buys the cheapest food he can find. The kids and i rarely get clothes and he won't pay for me to go to school and I can't get grants b/c of his nice income. I get allowance if I do what he wants and I have to pay my bills out of it and get the kids some things and buy my own food (he has never bought me any food besides dinner food).

I am just at my wits end and I feel so stupid b/c i didn't leave the other day b/c i kept having doubts whether or not i was doing the right thing or not. I feel so sick that I am living or dying in a life that I don't want and is not me. I know a women is supposed to cook and clean but what if that's not all I want out of life..to be a housewife? I want the freedom to wash dishes or fold clothes the next morning or when i feel like it without me and the kids( now he's on them about cleaning up) having to be nervous about crumbs on the floor etc. I want to be happy and free to be me. I don't see myself ever loving him the way a woman should love her husband because there is so much resentment. Should I forgive his past abuse and current ways and just be unhappy for the sake of the "family" or should i get the h**l outta here and take my chances on a better life? Am I wrong b/c I don't want to do everything he wants me to do?

Answer 1

You should have left about ten seconds after he started being abusive. You are not getting any younger and good news.....he will have to pay child support. Just leave....get a job...you are an adult and you shouldn't need to ask someone else what to do. It obvious....and NO he doesn't love you.  

Answer 2

It will be hard but honestly if my husband treated me like that I would knock him out and why would you stay and accept this he has got you emotionally powerless and now you are going to let the kids see more of this and probably treat you the same way and anybody they go with or get married to I worked in a shelter they are there for you but its tough and it takes work to get your act together and your right no one wants to listen to this because you have choices and you have chosen to lives with this get the h**l out of there and quit being lazy about it you are not a person with this man you are a servant

Answer 3

read 'Picture Perfect' by Jodi Piccoult, might give you  to clarity you need and the courage to leave, if only for your children sake. sounds to me like he is controlling everything you do, it wont get better and you know that leaving is the right thing to do, stop fearing it and take that leap, set yourself and your children free, trust me they will thank you.

Answer 4

Do not be afraid to start your new life with a clean slate. It is ok and it is not your fault. You did your part, but your husband did not do his part by loving you and caring about you. I know leaving him will not take away the hurt, and is not easy but it will free you from the abuse you had to tolerate all these years.

I am a firm believer that both husband and wife should learn to treat each other equally.

I am going to pray for you because you deserve better and so do your kids too!

You do not have to put up with his c**p anymore. Your happiness matters the most! Do not put it off any longer.  Leave before it gets too late!  

Answer 5

Protect your children. If you aren't going to do it for yourself, do it for them. THEY deserve better. Or send them to a home where they don't have to deal with abuse. Think of your children and get out.

Answer 6

I have alot of feelings and answers for YOU!!... this is something that I can relate to on alot of levels. and I could leve you a very lond answer on here, but I would rather leave it to you personally. you can email me  an I would be more than happy to give it to you.... its bagaluchi@ yahoo.com

amy

Answer 7

As soon has he starts to be abusive

Answer 8

I there I'm janie ,and yes i have been in your shoes i have been with alto of men that has hit me say stuff to me that hurts alto ,you know stuff you don't wanna hear from some you care about....I'm not telling you to leave him just listen...i know I'm just 18 i always thought i had a sign saying hit me ...i have a 11 month old daughter I'm with her father still and yes he has hit me when i was pregnant and i left him for a while till he really thought i didn't really need him i was gone for about 3 months and yes i did hurt me alto ..as I'm just saying leave him for even a week or 2 just to see if i loves you enough he try and bring you home ok and if not and your still gone for lets say 2week -3weeks you know what to do leave him..don't say with him for the kids .would you like your kids to threat  people like that.its all a cycle my partners parents hit him and there parents hit them as you see where I'm going. think about your children ...and as your thinking my partner has not ever hit me again if he ever gets angry he takes my daughter for walk or a ride ... and now I'm studding to become teacher and my life has been worth to work things out ..I'm glad when i was pregnant he had called me with in 1 night after he checked all my families house..i hoped it helped ....email me on what you thought on my answer  

Answer 9

Yesterday I read a book about women abuse. So today my answer is that the best coordinator is the feeling inside you. If once or several time you feel something doubtful about your feelings, listen to this coordinator. It tells you: "I want to notice you about the problem I found. I don't want to harm you. I can help you. Listen to me, please and don't hurt yourself".

If you ignore it everytime you feel it, then it means that you felt the right time, but in the future you really can have deep psychological problems.

Answer 10

Wow.

You are really doubting yourself.  First of all, if you leave, you need to take the children with you.

It's sad what society does to women in your situation - you feel guilty for breaking up your family, people tell you how messed up your children will be, etc.

Reality is that your children are growing up in an abusive environment, and if you keep them there, you are basically abusing them too.  You family is not sick of hearing about this, they don't know what to do since you seem unable to take a hold of your own life.

The local women's shelter should have a support group for abused women.  You ARE abused.  You can go to the support group before you leave your husband.  You can get advice on how to go about it, and they will help you do it logically and without all the drama of threats.  They will also help you make the decision about whether or not this relationship can be salvaged.  

Do NOT threaten to leave again.  Don't tell your family you are leaving.  That is immature and dramatic - I know because I did it.  You lose respect for yourself every time you do it, and people will stop taking you and your very serious issues seriously - this is not what you want!.  Time to grow up a little.  You can talk to your family about your fears about leaving, ask for help, explain to them that you are scared, worried, but don't go to them and announce you are leaving him then don't do it.  See my point here?

Good luck.

Answer 11

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Well I strongly believe in marrige and working together as husband and wife to make things works even when it's bad, but if your putting in 100 percent and only geting 10 percent back thats when you have to start thinking about moving on to better your life and your childrens life. I think you should always forgive a person no matter what because holding on to that baggage and hurt will only hurt you in the future, so forgiveness is really for you. Your not stupid for staying I know most woman are deeply in love with their husband and always hope that things change, but their comes a time when you have to PLEASE YOU!

Answer 12

Honey, please, do yourself a favor and find your self-esteem.  You and your children deserve to be happy and you just fear the unknown without your husband.  The thing to know that if God brings you to it he will bring you through it.  Now God has opened the door for you many, many times, but for whatever reason, you just feel you can't step out and into the daylight you so deserve.  I have put you and your children in prayer and I know it is all going to be okay now, but you have to want to help yourself and until such time you get tired of the zhit that he is handing you, then no one can do anything for you until you grow truly tired and/or afraid.  Please, please leave him, if I can be of any support to you, please e-mail me and we can talk about the better days you and your children are yet to live, but again, you have to walk through the door and don't fear because "God" is in front of you and "Goodness" and "Mercy" are at each side, with a team like that, my dear sistah in Christ, you can't and you won't loose.  Please leave and please e-mail me should you need me.   God Bless.

Answer 13

You should get the h**l out of there  for two reasons .

The biggest reason is your kids. They learn about relationships by watching their parents so if you have daughters they'll gravitate towards abusive men and if you have sons they'll mistreat their women.

The reason you find it hard to leave is because he has beaten you down so much that you are starting to believe that you can't do any better. You can do better. You could throw a rock into a crowded room and hit something better that this jerk.

Once you leave him make sure there is no way you can go back. Don't leave him any contact information at all.

Answer 14

Oh honey... it is time to leave his a*s. My mother went through the same thing with my dad. If he has abused you in the past, he is more than likely to start back up again. With my mom.. it got so bad he started burning her face on the kitchen stove and she wasn't even aloud to have a drivers license or able to leave the house. She stayed with him for 11 years. At one point in time, she was in your position, but was way too afraid to leave. For the sake of my sisters and I and herself, she got up enough courage to leave his sorry *** and has led a much better life since then. My dad tied my mom up to a chair for three days and fed her baby food. My dad even started abusing us. You need to get yourself and your babies out of their as soon as you can. WE ARE WOMEN. We need someone who is going to respect us and treat us as we should be. Good luck with all that you do.. but you and your children are going to benefit from leaving. JUST GET OUT OF THERE BEFORE THINGS GET WORSE!

Answer 15

You need to get out of there and fast.  You do not deserve that as a wife or as person.  You need to just leave and be happy.  There is no reason you should have to live that way.

Answer 16

You say you have a son and daughter and you don't know if you should stay for the sake of your family? Well, I can tell you that by staying you're teaching your son that it's okay to treat women like c**p, and you're teaching your daughter that it's okay to be treated horribly by a man and to put herself last. By leaving and talking to them about your decision (in a way that doesn't belittle their father- judges in custody hearings do not like that) you'd be teaching them that relationships like you and their father have are unhealthy. You'll be teaching them by example about courage and that no person deserves to be treated so poorly. Think about it- do you want to see your daughter 20 years from now living a horrible life with a man who is cruel to her? Do you want to see the precious light go out of her and be replaced with bitterness? Do you want her to feel the way you do right now or do you want her to feel loved, cherished, happy and successful? Be those things yourself and she will want to follow in your footsteps! Sometimes seeing what the long-term consequences could be to our children gets us women moving better than wanting to make changes for ourselves. So think about THEIR lives and how happy you want them to be. They watch everything we do and are learning about themselves through us...What do you want them to learn?

Answer 17

"But I love him" she says as she huddles and shivers in a cold dark house, wondering what she will feed her kids.

"But I love him" she says and she counts out cash to the bail bondsman after he's been arrested for selling drugs.

"But I love him" she says as the doctor stitches her wounds and sets broken bones.

Some women never learn. There isn't much we can say to them that will change anything. Just like alcoholics, they usually have to hit bottom first.

I hope that's not you.

Answer 18

shame on you for not taking your children out of this situation earlier put your kids before youself for a change and take them out of this ferral situation no exuses here wake up woman