When should we tell our daughter that she was adopted by my husband...she has another biological daddy.?

Question

My husband is going to adopt my 3 year old daughter. Her biological father signed over his rights a long time ago. My husband who she thinks is her daddy has been in her life since she was about 10 months old and loves her dearly. I have been told to wait till she is older and can understand it...but what if she rebels? I have also been told to tell her now while the adoption process is beginning and ease her into it over the next few years. My biggest concern is that she is resent my husband...her "daddy" and she will feel that she is alone... please help!! Has anyone been in this situation. She is only 3 but it crosses my mind every day. I will continue to pray about it and wait for the answer I so desperately am searching for....

Answer 1

it is not easy. But if your husband has no bad feelings about her knowing she has a another daddy, then you could put out a picture of him and from time to time when she looks at it you can tell her thats your dad, she won't ask you anything just yet but as she grows up she will wonder about the daddy she knows and you tell her he is her daddy too. Explaining more will come in time but at least the worst will be over finding out there are two dads.

Answer 2

Hi..I was in this situation about 6 years ago..My mom's husband (well ex-husband) adopted me at around the age of 5...He was there around the age of 6-9 months...My biological father gave up all his rights before I was  adopted. I never knew any different until my aunt told me.  My parents wanted to wait until I was 18, so if I wanted to see him I could, but I was told at 16.  They were upset because they wanted to tell me, so I would understand why. I met my biological father once and have talked to him a couple of times but don't really have a relationship with him..I know who my "daddy" is and he will always be my "daddy" no matter what..When i found out I was adopted the relationship between my "daddy" and I never changed. I believe it made our relationship stronger. There is a big difference between a father and a daddy.  If you have any questions please feel free to email me..I'm here to help.  [e-mail]

Answer 3

I think you should definetly tell her now. Since he's going through the process now, it's an easy time to explain exactly what adoption means to her. Since she's still so young it'll be something that she always remembers knowing rather then a shocking secret she finds out one day.

I know family and friends mean well, but I see no good reason to  wait until she's older. I have a cousin who's 2 years older then me who was in a similar situation as your daughter. Her mother sat her down on her 10th birthday and told her that her father had adopted her when she was 2. I think it was especially hard on her when she learned that everyone else in the family knew except for her.

We adopted both of our boys at 6 months old. They are 1 and 2 years old right now, but we're already talking to them about their adoptions and never want them to feel like it was a secret.

Answer 4

Whatever you do, do not make a secret of it, tell her what you think she will understand and while the proceeding are happening is a great time. Answer her questions honestly. There is no reason to wait, just make sure your comments are age appropriate. you will do fine. The worst thing you could do is not tell her.

Answer 5

I would wait until she is a little older just to make sure she clearly understands what is going on. Maybe another couple years...

Answer 6

I don't know who told you to wait, but that is the worst thing you could do.  Everyone I know who found out that one of their parents wasn't their bio-parent when they were teens felt a lot of bitterness towards their parents and confusion.  If your child just always knows that this is her "real" daddy but not her "bio-daddy"  and you just keep it simple for her, you can tell her now.

It is always best to just be open and honest about it.

Answer 7

in my opion [and i know that this might seem a bit mean, but] maybe you shouldn't ever tell her, it will make things "much" easier, once she gets older she will try to find her dad and will wonder why he didn't want her and many other things and will make things just very hectic.

maybe it's just best if you don't tell her, and like i said i know that this might seem a bit mean, but what you don't know can't hurt you.

Answer 8

I think tell her when you are sure she is old enough to understand without getting confused about it.  She will need to already know how babies are made and what adoption and step-parents are to understand.

Answer 9

You should tell her today.

Seriously.

I recommend telling children, babies before they can even talk. Validate that for them so they know they can come to you and talk about it. Keeping secrets makes us feel... like there is something wrong with it. Make it comfortable, by being open about it.

today, she deserves to know.

Answer 10

This is very tough to answer not knowing the 3 year old.  most of them , i would wait until 5.  But if she comprehends it, like my niece would,  tell her now.  Don't EVER hide it.  and remember, ALL teens rebel.  if they say they hate you, you are doing a job well done.  but someday she will want to look for her biological father, don't stop her.  She will love her DADDY, always.  just explain to her this is her DADDY.  anyone can father a child. It takes someone special to be a DADDY!  Your husband is the DADDY,  she don't have a biological daddy, she had a sperm donor

Answer 11

Wait atleast until she can understand but not too late that she gets all emotional and mad that you didt tell her sooner. I would tell her probably when she is 5 or 6. Hope I could help!

Answer 12

I am an adopted woman who knew from the start that I was adopted.  Professionals agree that the time to tell your child is now -- no matter the age of the child.  It is something that should be incorporated into the child's understanding, rather than dropped into it.

You can Google the term "Late Discovery Adoptee" and find out the negative repercussions of waiting.  

Please, for your child's sake, do not wait any longer.  She needs to know the truth.  The longer the truth is kept from her, the longer she will have lived a lie.  It doesn't mean that she still won't think of your husband as "dad" or that she'll love him any less.  That's not at all what I'm saying.  But, every person has an understanding of his or her origins.  This is part of what helps a person to develop a sense of who he or she is here.  To suddenly have that change after a stretch of time can be jolting.  To find out that "everyone" knew all along, except oneself, can feel like a deception.  The person can feel duped, even though that was never the intent.

Once more, please don't wait any longer.

Answer 13

do not wait to long, she is 3 and she understands a LOT ! she can also understand what FATHER means and what DADDY means... and later you will explain that her DADDY became her father by the law. but do not break down or say anything negatif about her bio father... she does not need to hear that... but just need to know that both of you love her so much... and your husband has made a big decision that proove how much he loves her, by giving her his name and take her as lawfully daughder.

she will understand naturally, don't go to far... normally she will not ask you to many question, if you have told her those stuff... she will be just happy and feel secure.

good luck and hugs to all of you

Answer 14

i am in a simular situation, i was 8 weeks pregnant with my daughter, when i met my partner. her biological dad and i were not in a relationship at the time, and when he learned id met someone he walked away, he has not made contact with me since . my daughter is now nearly 4, never known this "sperm doner" as i like to think of him, and never would if i had my way. her daddy is the man that has loved and cared for her everyday of her life, but he and i do understand that our daughter has a human right to one day know the truth of her conception, when she is old enogh to understand, (we do not feel at four she is remotely ready for this) we willl tell her the truth. its something i think about everyday, sometimes i look at her and feel like crying, as i feel guilty that 1 day i know she is gonna hear something she does not like, but me and her daddy will be there for her every step of the way!

Answer 15

I would start explaining a little bit right now.  It's not the usual adoption of course- but I was adopted when I was an infant and my parents told me that when I was VERY little.  Of course I didnt' understand it at first, but the thing is I grew up knowing this.  It wasn't a big shock or surprise to me so I never really felt bad about it.  My parents talked to me about it in a very positive way.  I think she will be upset if you wait too long because she may feel betrayed.  You can seek out some advice from a counselor, but I would just start telling her that she had a daddy bfore that could not take care of her.  So, this person loves you and her and wants to take care of them and love them- and he is your daddy now.  You can add details later, but you really need to get the dialogue going now.

Answer 16

when  you  think  she'll  understand  ,...you'll  know...

show  her  only  love  and  kindness  accordingly

Answer 17

First off, you should have ALWAYS been upfront with her.  The longer you wait the worse it will be.

First off, and I will have a lot of adoptees screaming at me....your husband is her daddy.  There is a difference between a sperm donor who's never been around and man who has been there for her since she was an infant.

The younger the better, because it will hurt her in the long run and you'll be lying to her EVERY day.

At this young age, if you explain it to her now, she'll always now so it won't be a thing...spring it on her when she's 14.......you'll see rebellion.

When will be the right time?  When she starts middle school (the h**l years).  When she starts her periods?  The night before her wedding?  "Honey the photographer will be here at 10:00, the florist at 11:00 oh, and by the way....Daddy is not your biological dad."

As you go through the adoption process,include her.  Explain to her that you met daddy after she was born and he loves her very much.  He went to court to be sure that he would be her daddy forever and ever.

It is going to be confusing at first, and as she gets older she'll have more questions.  Answer as is age appropriate, right now I tell my son babies come from God...he's 4 it works...when he asks something at 14, my husband will give him more specifics.

The best thing you can do is NOT make this a bigger issue than it already is.  By not telling her, you're doing that.  She'll think it is something to be ashamed of because if it wasn't you wouldn't have kept it so quiet.  She'll also feel very lied to.

The longer you wait, the worse it will be.  I see families buy a world of hurt they didn't need to.

Keep telling her Daddy loves her...he does.  

And reassure you're husband...yep one teenage h**l day she is going to look at him and say "You're not my real father."  But she'll look at you and say "I wish you weren't my mother."  It means you're doing your job right!

Answer 18

I can understand the reasons for both choices but I think you should tell her now.  It doesn't have to be a serious (i.e. scary), heavy or drawn-out conversation.  Her Daddy is her Daddy.  That is your husband and I don't really think her opinion of him will change -- unless you wait too long.

I would suggest you explain to her (in very simple terms) that there was a dad who became her dad in a different way and her Daddy who became her Daddy in this way.  Why her biological dad isn't still in her life and how her Daddy came to be her Daddy are talks for another time, certainly, but please don't set your precious child up for the shock (and possibly the rebellion) of a lifetime by letting it all 'land on her' at a later time.  She will feel deceived.  And she will still love you (her parents).  Those two feelings will cause her intense hurt and turmoil when they exist inside simultaneously -- especially when they can be avoided.  Perhaps you can think of it as not "telling" her so much as "introducing" the very most basic concepts to her at this time.  You don't have to explain everything right now.  She's not even capable of understanding all the details of the situation.

I am an adult who was adopted as an infant.  I was never "told", per se, that I was adopted.  I have always known.  It was a regular part of my vocabulary.  It probably helps that I have an older adopted sibling and (later) a younger.  My big brother helped me understand and then I helped my little sister.  We had books read to us about what 'adoption' is -- in very concrete terms -- and more books (later, as teenagers) about what it *means* to be adopted.  From what I've discovered, there are a lot more, and a lot better, books now than what was available in the early 70s and early 80s when my parents were adopting.  They did the best they could with what they had, though.  :-)

We were free to ask our questions and share our feelings.  I'm sure you will let your daughter do that too, right?

I remember when the idea first 'stuck' in my little sister's mind.  (I am almost 9 years older than she is, so I remember a lot about her childhood).  We were having a discussion about what 'family' means and how different families are created.  She was about 3 1/2 and very familiar with the concepts of 'adopted' and 'biological' (or 'not adopted').  In the course of that conversation, she was suddenly enlightened as to which she was -- adopted.  She had known our (her 3 older siblings) 'statuses', for lack of a better term, forever.  When she finally solidified it in her mind: "G" is adopted, "C" is not adopted, "H" is adopted and...me...I'm adopted.  She looked around the room and it struck her that only one sibling was 'not adopted'.  She went over to that sister and flung her arms around her in sympathy.  She didn't feel sorry for our sister because she was biological...she felt sorry for her because she was the ONLY ONE.  Well, I don't know if this story will translate very well but it was totally precious.  The fact of her adopted status was a non-issue.  She was sympathizing with the one sibling who was "different", so to speak.  As it turns out, we are all "different".  None like each other (except in very small ways) and none like our parents (except in very small ways), including their biological child.  :-)  Our non-conformity was our 'bond'.  It was how we all 'fit' with each other.  Incidentally, my little sis was showing her 'true colors' that day at age 3+.  She has grown up to be a tireless defender of the 'underdog', includer of the 'excluded' and friend to the 'lonely'.  *Sigh*

Anyway, I know that was long (and possibly boring) but the point is that learning the 'fact' that one is adopted doesn't have to be traumatic.  It doesn't even have to be one event at all.  There will likely be questions, possibly longings, and more than a few 'normal' rebellious feelings as she grows up.  

Best of luck to you!