When should you have kids? How does it affect the father?

Question

I've been married almost 5 yrs and don't mind kids (in fact, I like other ppls kids alot), but am not sure if I'm ready to have kids. When we got married, we were young and didn't want kids, but knew that we might change our minds someday.

I feel like my husband was so much more mature when we got together than he is now. He's addicted to recreation - and when I complain too much about one hobby he moves on to the next.

Otherwise he's a good guy and I love him very much, but I work really hard right now in my own career and at home. I run an office, pay the bills, do the laundry, clean the house, go grocery shopping, keep up with friends & family...he works (very hard) & plays. He doesn't feel responsible for all the things I take care of (naturally) but if I need a break, he won't take care of things for me. Not saying that he won't throw a load of laundry in once in a while or help out - it's just not something he feels is one of his responsibilities.

I feel like he's a giant (very selfish) kid at the moment. But he's started to really want us to have a baby. A few of our friends have them and he lights up around them. I do think he'd be a wondeful dad, but what if he only feels responsible for the kid when it's fun and not when it comes to parenting or the tougher stuff? We've had a few of our friends kids sleep over and he loved it. But that's nothing compared to having a baby 24/7!

Physically and emotionally and mentally I can't handle dumping more on my plate right now without some help with the other things I am responsible for.

But perhaps he needs the purpose in life that a child gives to be able to break the cycle of meaninglessness and empty pursuits that he fills his life with, which has even caused him to become depressed in the past few years. (I, apparently, am not enough, ha ha.)

But I'm afraid of having a baby with him right now because there's no guarantee that he'll change his irresponsible ways. I can't do all that I do and raise a child by myself. He would have to shift his priorities, but if you're going to tell me to have him prove it to me first, I highly doubt I could get him to do that.

So...what are the odds? Would having a baby make him want to grow up again? Would it change his priorities? Could having a baby fix the problems we currently have?

I would never resent having a baby, but feel like we need to be more of a team first. How do you accomplish that?

Answer 1

That's a hard one!

I wish I could tell you that your husband will stop being selfish when it comes to chores around the house but I can't say.

In my marriage I was the one who wanted children and he was the one who wasn't sure about it.  He ended up agreeing to have a child and surprise!  TWINS!

That being said, he does feel like his life has true meaning now.  He is a WONDERFUL daddy and he's very hands on.  He works and I stay home, and I do handle the housekeeping and the childcare the majority of the time he will help out some.  I really never have to ask him to help out with the girls.  He's right there helping out even though he wasn't a kid person before we had kids.

I'm pregnant again and he is talking about more after this, but I'm thinking I'm all done.  I don't know.

Either way, it's something that's going to require lots of discussion, planning, agreements, etc.

Maybe you will work and he'll be an at-home daddy?  Who knows!

Good luck either way!

Answer 2

I must say having children is beyond anyone's complete understanding. We usually can't see this until they arrive and the responsibilities begin to mount. True parenting continues for a lifetime, therefore the decision to start a family must be mutual. Much of the responsibility for the family falls on the husband. Some men aren't willing to take on that responsibility because it means giving up their freedom in every area of their life. I also believe some women are strong enough to handle all those responsibilities on their own. Unfortunately, the children miss out on the awesome benefits of growing up with a true father. The willingness to commit and accept the lifetime of responsibility as a team without quitting is the key to raising children.  

Answer 3

He works very hard, and maybe he needs those hobbies to stay sane and healthy.  Perhaps you would benefit from taking on a hobby, too!  I don't think that having hobbies and liking to relax and unwind and escape from pressure once your hard work is done for the day makes a person immature.

Babies don't fix ANY problems in relationships, PERIOD.  They will only cause more problems, and only couples that already are strong, can solve problems, and can deal with issues like this in a constructive, positive way can stay together after the birth of a child.  Don't use another human being to "fix" your relationship problems.  That's irresponsible.