When should you tell a child that they are adopted?

Question

Last month I found out that my older cousin is adopted he is 27 and has no idea. Do you think that my aunt and uncle are wrong for keeping this from him? Should they tell him now? When should they have told him? Would I be wrong if I told him?

~Talkin Tae

Answer 1

i think they should be told only if they ask. or in cases of serious medical concerns.

Answer 2

I definately do NOT think you should tell him. Although you're family, it's up to his parents to decide whether they want to tell him or not, presumably they have their reasons and you should respect that.

However, I feel that children should be told fairly early that they are adopted- the idea of telling them when they are 18/20 and preparing to leave the comfort of the family home seems too cruel- at this stage they need to feel closer to the family, not isolated away from it.

Adoption is a tricky subject, but I think it should be brought up with children as soon as they are old enough to understadn the concept- Being adopted is not a bad thing, it means that you were chosen out of every other child to be a part of that family- while parents love all their children, one who is adopted was taken on completely by choice and, in this way, makes them extra special. The topic could be brought up in a discussion involving very basic concepts of genetics (eg: "Grandpa wears glasses and now daddy needs to as well") If you've seen the show Heroes there's a good example of this! or just be kept as "public knowledge" from the time the child is a baby.

To have not told your cousin for this long while the rest of the family knows could make it seem like a "secret" which he has been kept out of, but at the same time it may simply be that your aunt and uncle consider him to be their son so entirely that it doesn't matter to them whether he is adopted or not- whether it matters to him is a different matter entirely, but one which you shouldn't interfere with, no matter how tempting it may be.

Above all, remember he is the same cousin you've always had. though you may feel a little different now you know he is adopted you have to try to not let this effect your relationship.

Answer 3

if i adopted some one then proply the right age would be 14 maybe

Answer 4

i would not tell him if i was you. at 27 years old it would crush him to find out from you instead of them. I do think they should have told him a long time ago and h**l yes they are wrong for not saying anything.

You would think with me being black and korean and my mother being white i woud have just known but i didn't. I was told by someone at school when i was 10 and for two years i was lied to. I was told she was my mother and my father was black, then i was told she was my mother and my father was indian and i was like hold up and she was like he was a dark indian that's why she said he was black. at 12 she finally told me the truth and she told me when the dr.'s weren't sure if i was going to live. i had ulsers almost running through my whole digestive system. i was devistated that she would only think to tell me the truth when she thought it wouldn't matter. i had some psycological problems from that that i had to fix myself because she didn't find it that serious. That is why i say they need to tell him before anybody in the family does.

If i was you i would give them an ultimatem.  i would tell them if you don't tell by  such and such then i will. let them know it's running through the family and let them know once people are grown they don't feel like they have to protect them from secrets anymore. tell them even if you don't do it someone will but that you feel like it's your resposiility to tell him because you guys are close and you can't see keeping this from him and that you felt that you should give them a chance to tell him first before you said anything

Answer 5

They would of been better off never keeping the secret.  From day one be honest.  It is definitely NOT your place to tell.  You can however tell the parents you are aware and try to convince them to tell.

I told my daughter at age 12 -- not good enough should of been MUCH EARLIER.

Answer 6

Yes, I think it is time they tell him, especially if rumors are passing around the entire family already.  That would be terrible if he found out from one of you guys instead of his parents.

It is always tough to hear that you are adopted.  No time is best, but I would say that after age 21 would be okay.

Answer 7

Q1)It all depends on teh reasons why he was adopted and if he ever questioned it... i mean if hesedad teiled han yes they are in the wrong.. however...maybe it was best ket secret as alot of adopted kids feel they have no love and end up more rebous against thier parents because"its not their parents"

Q2)I thinkhat thyhould tell him as maybe he will have mroe respect them... the best way to tell him is by just saying straight up "we need to talk 2 u... we've been waing along time to tell u this but wanted the time to b right... when you were(aegiven up...you were put up or adtio waned to adopt so went to a angency and fell in love ihu right away... and we decided to raie u as our child as we didnt want u to grow up thinking u were a mistake (tel them to be honest and tell him why they didnt tell him)

Q3)... i think when he was 18 he should have be told as then he is at the age where he can can chose to go and meehis birth parents if they were alive. Also at 18 hes old enough to ask all questions he has andold enough tounderstand the answers.

Q4)...DONT TELL HIM.... ITS NOT UR PLACE...THERES PRETTY MUCH NOTHING MORE HURTFUL THAN HEARING FORM SOMEONE OTHER THAN THOSE WHO RAISED U THAT U WERE ADOPTED....

good luck.

Answer 8

if he always felt a sense of belonging, than good for him; no need to menchion it now.

Answer 9

It sounds like you care about him and think he is a valuable human being worthy of honesty and respect! In your heart, you know that the situation he is in is very wrong. Kudos to you for being such a thoughtful cousin.

Your aunt and uncle made a grave error by not telling him right from the start. Now that he is so old, he is going to resent the fact that they lied to him for his entire life. As other posters have said, the truth will out, as is obvious by the fact that the story has gotten to you. It's simply a matter of time.

Talk to your aunt and uncle, and try to impress upon them the fact that people are talking, and they need to make sure they are the ones who tell their son first, before he hears it from someone else.

And then, once he knows, be sure to tell him that you are on his side and happy to listen if he needs to talk (or rant!). I hope he appreciates having a cousin like you.

Answer 10

your suppose to tell your child about them being adopted, but i wouldn't. I don't want them to know.  I do thing they're wrong,but think about it what if it was you? they love that child, it was like their own, so how do u think they felt telling your cousin that .

Answer 11

A child should be told very early in life.  It's living a lie not telling and morally wrong.

Answer 12

I adopted my son when he was 2-1/2. He has known about his adoption since the very beginning as we have always used words like "birth mother" and "adoption." I answer questions he has to the best of my ability and at his level of understanding and I even bring up the subject at times when it is unexpected. My son is very well-adjusted and happy. I know the hard questions will probably come when he gets older, but his history is not a secret, nor is it shameful. He knows that his father and I feel very lucky to have him in our lives and we are grateful to his birth parents for bringing him into this world.

I think it's sad when an adopted person 'finds out' that he is adopted at an older age. Not only will he be hurt, he may feel shame because his parents kept such an important piece of information from him. Be supportive of your cousin. He may really need someone to talk to right now.

Answer 13

yes you'd be wrong if you told him

they raised him and its up to them to tell him

he might not even want to know

and or it could ruin everything

its not your place to tell him

Meg

Answer 14

You should tell your child as early as possible and keep reinforcing it into adulthood.  Talk to your child and ask him or her if he/she has questions.  

I think your aunt/uncle should have told him much earlier than 27.  I think that you should not be the one to tell him.  It is up to his parents to share that information.

Answer 15

I mean everyone is different in why they didn't tell their children they were adopted and they end up being mad at them for it.. I think that honesty is the best situation.. I think that you should start telling them when they can understand like at 1-2 years of age and just keep up with it until they really understand...Start with life books. Pictures of the birth parents and the story of how they came to be.. Is your cousin mad at his parents for not telling him? I would... I want to do that if I ever adopt I want to be honest with my child.. This is my opinion...

Answer 16

My children will always know they're adopted.  I have pictures of their birth parents and SS#s should they ever want to try to contact them.

Other family members (older) probably know because they were there when he was adopted.  

It is not anyone's place to tell him but his parents.

Answer 17

It's wrong of them not to tell him, but it's not your place to do it for them.  It's their job.  If you told him, it could create a rift in his family that's not likely to heal for a long time, if ever.  They should tell him, but it has to be on their terms.

Answer 18

Do not tell him. It is up to his parents to tell him, since you know, perhaps he knows already. Who else knows? Your aunt and uncle should be told that the cat is out of the bag and they should take it from there.

Answer 19

As soon as they understand what the word means.  My story is different, my mother never told me that I was not my fathers child until I was 30.  I then met the man that was my biological father, and we hit it off great and I as angry, very angry for her keeping this from me. He died 2 years later. Therefore, I am all for telling the child, do not keep the closeness that they may develop with a biological parent from them, live is to short.

Aslo, I found out pertient medical information from my father that helped save me from some medical problems, this needed to be known for myself and my children as well.

Answer 20

Holy cow!  He should have been told from the time he became part of their family.  We adopted & know lots of others who have, too.  We believe that it's best that the "adoption story" just be part of the child's life as they grow and mature -- just like our bio sons know their stories (my pregnancy, labor, etc.).

I think they should have been telling him all along.  Otherwise you get into a situation of asking where the line is when you DO tell them.  Sticky situation.  

I don't think that it's necessarily your place to tell him.  However, since you're being put in an uncomfortable place, if I were you, I'd consider going to my aunt & uncle and letting them know that I'm not comfortable keeping the secret and feeling complicit in lying to him.  I'd tell them that if they didn't tell him within a month (or whatever time frame you feel you can go with) that you'll tell him.  You might want to do some research before talking to them & go in armed, ready to tell them why you think it's important that he know.

He's an adult for crying out loud.  He deserves to know...AND there might be a medical thing that comes up in the future that he'll need additional information for and the middle of a medical crisis is not the time to learn that you've been lied to about who you are your whole life!

(you can tell I have strong feelings, huh?)

Answer 21

i think that your aunt and uncle should have told him all throughout his childhood... I was adopted, and my parents told me since i was young. I feel like if i wasn't told, i would feel like my parents had been lying to me.  Growing up with being adopted never made me want to run away and find my real parents, because i realized i could pass my "mother" or "father" on the street any day, and they love me, but they don't know me..

i don't think it is really your place to tell him, but i think the sooner the parents tell him, the better because when he finds out, he may feel like his parents were hiding it, and by doing just that, they are kind of saying that they don't think he could love them the same if he knew, which i dont think is true.

Answer 22

First of all are you sure that your cousin is adopted, maybe it was just a misunderstanding. If he is, you should talk to his mom and dad about it first, there's probably a reason why they didn't tell him, and they probably wouldn't appreciate if you told him your self.

Good Luck

Answer 23

yes it would be very wrong for you to tell him. his adopted parents obviously dont want to tell him becuase of repercusions. they just want to leave well enough alone. and so should you. personally, i think they should have told him ages ago, when he was 20/21. that way he would be mature enough to deal with it.

Answer 24

Well, I was told that I was adopted...forever.  My brothers, the same thing.  We've all known the real story about "the day we were born"...in my case, my parents were grilling burgers on the back porch when the phone rang and they drove all the way to Little Rock (4 hours away) to get me.  I was interested in finding my birthparents, and I always have been and struggled on whether or not I'd be betraying my parents, the ones that raised me and loved me my entire life!  My oldest brother, who is now 19, isn't very interested and is still tossing the idea of meeting his blood relatives around.  It looks as though he won't meet them.  My younger brother, who is 14, is not old enough to meet his birthfamily, so he hasn't shown much interest either.

When should you tell a child that they are adopted?  If you're the parent, you should tell them either as early as possible or...if you WANT a dramatic outburst, you could wait until they're a legal adult...but no later than that.

Your older cousin, who is much older than 18, is in a bit of a pickle.  If he's happy and comfortable with not knowing that he's adopted...why tell him?  If you are positive that he's adopted and that Mom and Dad are wrong for keeping it from him and that it won't hurt him to tell him and he might really REALLY want to know that he is adopted, why not get your aunt and uncle to tell him instead of waiting around for when they put a mysterious letter in their will telling him?  You never know, he might be prone to diabetes or alcoholism or some other crazy medical problem that is an inherited trait.

Talk seriously to your aunt and uncle about this.  Let them know how you feel about it and list whatever reasons you think of for them to tell him the truth.  If they disagree, either tell them to put it in their will, at least, or, at most, tell your cousin yourself...if you're the only one worried and it's bothering you so badly, then just tell him...and tell him gently.

Answer 25

some things are better left unsaid his mum and dad should have told him by now or not at all

Answer 26

How did  you find out? From another family member? Does everyone in the family know but him?

I was adopted and my feelings are that they are absolutely wrong for keeping it from him. It is his life and his history and he deserves to know the truth.

Search online for "Late Discovery Adoptee" and read some articles written by people who found out late in life and how if affected them. The thing is, the truth always comes out at some point. These types of secrets can't be hidden forever. Wouldn't it be better that he finds out while his parents are alive so he can ask any questions he might have?

And what on earth is he telling his doctor in regards to medical history?

I think it's horrible that they have not told him. Any professional working in the adoption industry will tell you to tell your children they are adopted at a very early age.

Does his parents know that you know? I would talk to them first and give them the opportunity to tell them and if they won't then by all means go ahead. It is his right to know - it's information about his life.

And by the way, this notion of adoptees being chosen... What do people think - that there is some store of abandoned children and the parent walk in and pick which one they want? The parents chose adoption - they did not chose that child. Either the pregnant women who relinquished chose the child, or an agency matched the child with the parents.

Answer 27

I was adopted and as soon as i was able to understand, I was told. I have known basically my whole life i was adopted. What his parents are doing is lying and I would be VERY upset if at 27 years old I didnt know i was adopted.

Be prepared for some ugliness if YOU are the one who tells him, there will be alot of hurt going on in your family.

Answer 28

NOT YOUR PLACE TO TELL HIM............Adoption language, in my opinion, should begin with a child from the start. That does not mean all of the details, just having the word a part of your language.  Most children become curious around 5-9 years. They begin to notice differences, or ask questions as simple as, "Mommy, did I grow in your tummy?" from things they hear from their peers at school, etc.,

As far as your cousin goes, they may have decided to have a closed adoption for whatever personal reasons they felt fit at the time. I would talk to your aunt and uncle. Remember, you risk alienating yourself from a part of your family by getting too involved, this would be a serious life change for that family at this point.

Answer 29

they should have told him as a toddler.  He should be told, I believe, by his adoptive parents... and then he just might need some counseling.

Answer 30

it's not ur job to tell him. it's his parents'.

i'm adopted and i've known since before i knew what adopted meant, but there isn't a set age for telling a child. It's up to the family. Some children take it very well. It was something i was proud of and i told everyone i knew. That of course left me open to the "Your parents don't love you" slurs but that never bothered me. Some kids wouldn't want to know. its a family decision and there's no real right or wrong answer.