When the night comes ,plz read and help with better rythem ?

Question

when the night comes all over the place

and the stars speak softly to you

just then lay on your bed

and sing a song for me and you

i never forgot who you are

and you never were the unseen wind

just trust in love again

and i will take you to the happy end

when i look at sky i see hope in god

i see clouds cry to blossom the roses

i see green and dessert and hot and cold

but i see mercy in every thing

when the night comes over the world

just remember that its the way

god covers our tears from others

Answer 1

"comes all over the place" is kinda harsh and sets up a difficult meter for the rest of the poem. unless you want to make whole thing a joke. i take it you want to create a peaceful somewhat prayerful mood. so maybe start a little more softly

you already used a better line later in the poem, "when the night comes over the world" maybe take out the "the" so you start with

"when night comes over the world" then you can use the same line as an echo toward the end,

"when night comes over the world, it is god covering our tears"

or maybe

"night sets out the stars, their voices softly speak" or

"night, bright stars, soft words in the dark"

try to find the rhythm and mood you want the whole peace to convey.

you have some lovely ideas..... lying awake, sing a song for me, a song for me and you. we can't forget who we are, more than the passing invisble wind, and let love come again.

trust in love again, and

we will go

go on under the sky, looking up to see the hope in god,

clouds, blossoms, deserts, warmth, cold, mercy in everything.

and when night covers the world...

nice work, nice ideas

Answer 2

This poem seems to wonder somewhat from the first to the second person. I have therefor taken the liberty of rewriting it. Please feel free to totally ignore it.

When night comes

and the stars speak

softly to me.

It is then I lie on my

bed and sing a song

to Thee.

I never forget who you

are; for you are in the

unseen wind

which carress me with

love and takes me to

a happier place.

When I look at the sky

I see hope in God

The clouds  cry on

blossoms and roses,

yet there are desserts

which blow hot and cold.

But in everything I find

mercy. And when the

night comes He but

covers my tears from the

eyes of the world.

Answer 3

oh my god !

this is amazing!

you're a great poet

well done dude!

xx

Answer 4

Well, not much at poetry but this may help you improve the meter

When the night comes

Completely

And the stars speak softly

Then lay on your bed

And sing for us

A song

I never forgot who you are

Never the unseen wind were you

Just trust again in love

And I’ll take you

To the end

The happy end

I look at sky

I see hope in god

I see clouds cry

The roses to grow

I see green and desert

And hot and cold

I see mercy in all

When night envelopes the world

Just remember that it’s the way

God covers our tears from others

Answer 5

1 line to maek sense with the 13 line get rid of all

3 line you don't really need just

4 line proper grammer would be you and me

5 line to make it rhyme with the 6 line you can change are to were

*CAPS God

11 line instead of and you could change it to only a comma

14 line thats without its

*CAPS God