When there has been abuse, and the child is now an adult, is it fair for the parents to expect the child to?

Question

do things for them and maintain contact?

My husband's father was horribly abusive to him and his brother. He would get drunk and beat the c**p out of them. Meanwhile, his mother stood by, and did nothing to stop this. Worse, one of her daughters is the obvious favorite. His parents only go to see her, spend time with her kids. This sister acts like she's the queen %$#@, and like my husband should be calling and visiting and doing things for them.

Is it fair, when parents have been so abusive to expect anything? I think they should be contacting HIM, expressing interest in his life and apologizing for what they did, rather than focusing on where he is coming short. What do you think?

Answer 1

Well I am not trying to be mean, but. Did you post this with your husband? Maybe you shouldn't post something like this when it is not about you. This is kind of a personal question. But it is up to him and his parents to try and make a difference. Have you asked him if he even wanted to try and talk to them about this?

Answer 2

dude tell your husband to just ignore the **** out of your parent, if they are like that. I mean how hard it's to just ignore **** **** people.

Answer 3

He definately shouldnt be doing any special favors for them, thats for sure.

if his sister is a B**** then get a phone with caller ID so you know when she's calling and you can ignore it.

Answer 4

It may be best for him to try to break off contact with his family, certainly his parents.  Is your husband open to counseling?  Either by a psychologist, social worker, or even pastor?  If so, seek their advice.  If not, there are many books out there on the subject that he or you can read.  I wish I could recommend some, but I cannot.  You can probably find some with good reviews on Amazon or something.  Whatever he chooses to do is up to him.  They, nor the sister, have no right to 'expect' anything.  I am sure this is a very emotional situation for your husband and you want to do what is best.  Sometimes the best thing a wife can do is to allow her husband to deal with things on his own, even if she thinks it is a mistake.  Support his choice, not as an act of submission, but as a display of loyalty to him.  This is his cross to bear, help him bear it, but allow him to chose the path you take.

Answer 5

EXPECTING and RESPECTING fall into the same boat for me.  You should NEVER expect anything out of life.  That goes for the parents as well.  I had somewhat of hte same upbringing.  Except it was my mom - not my dad.  She had a very bad drinking problem.  I did remain the good daughter until the day she died.  I did it because - I wanted to NOT because she expected me to.  Just like Respect is not something you are entitled to - rather something you earn.  As I got older and married and had children of my own - I made my own choices and if she was going to belittle or make me or my children feel bad - then I would NOT make the time for her... However she started to make a turn around in ther own life towards the end of her life.  I loved my mom even for her short comings.  Your husband needs to decide for himself if this is a healthy relationship or not.  Sometimes a break from each other is a good thing.  It helps to heal the wounds...  He has to do what makes him fell happy healthy and guilt free.  If his own guilt os going to make him feel unhappy and unhealthy for hte rest of his days - because he did not see his parents - then he should continue to see them... BUT ONLY BECAUSE HE WANTS TO!

Answer 6

They should absolutely NOT be expecting ANYTHING from your husband!!!!!