When to talk to a new boyfriend about his out of control children?

Question

I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 months now. Very very new, I know. He is wonderful in every way except he has three out of control children. Three children would be a lot to handle anyway, let alone when they are crazy. They are 7, 5, and 4 year old girls. I have a 2 and a half year old and a 15 month old of my own. Our parenting styles are completely different. My children have very strict rules and his kids run wild. I'm wondering when is a good time to talk to him about his kids. It's only been 3 months, but I don't want to get close to this guy if he can't get a handle on his kids! HELP!

Answer 1

You should right away

Answer 2

He needs to know the truth that his kids are out of control.

Tell him now and if he gets offensive, then obviously he isnt the one!

If he cant handle his kids, how would he handle you!

Answer 3

I would gently broach the subject with him about parenting styles as soon as possible.

   Don't go into it saying his kids are monsters. If you see a kid throwing a tantrum at a store, suggest how you might tolerate that behavior in your own children and allow him to share. It may be that he simply doesn't know how to keep his children under control.

    However, if he feels that out-of-control kids are normal and acceptable, and that his parenting style is working great, you may want to get out of there. If he becomes a part of your life, the kids would always be running to liberal, undisciplined step-dad rather than mean, strict mom.

Answer 4

Hon, no matter what you say, it will be seen as either an attack on his kids or an attack on his parenting...

You are pretty SOL on this...

Your damned if you say anything... Your damned if you stay quiet...

And people wonder why people with kids have a hard time dating...

Answer 5

Just get Joan R to come round and chat about his *parenting* skills.  That ought to do it.

Answer 6

i would just talk to him as soon as you feel like your ready, just let him know u care about hima nd his children but you have concerns  you need to express wit him

Answer 7

This one sounds like it's doomed... If they've been out of control for this long, it is NOT going to change; it's only going to get worse... It's only been 3 months... If I were you, I'd cut my losses, and find someone who has a similar parenting style, because that *is* very important. Plus, HIS kids will get YOUR kids to start acting up, and all your good parenting skills, would have been for nothing.

Answer 8

well next time his children get outta control SUGGEST how to take care of it.  it might not be the best idea to tell him hes doing a bad time discipling since youve only been together 3 months.  if he takes your suggestion in a great way ..then eventually youll be able to tell him how to enforce rules

Answer 9

Now.

Not tomorrow.  Now.

All this is, is a pending "bridge out" in the relationship, and its better if you address it now.   How you handle the communications will be crucial.   I wish you the best of luck, but if he balks or digs his heels in, its time to pack up and move on.

Answer 10

Maybe if you chose your time and said hey I think everything is going great.  But I have one thing that may be a deal breaker.  No one wants to put it out there like that, but if he isn't able or willing to change, then what point is there in going forward?  I'd rather get those things out of the way early than investing more time and all for naught.  He will enjoy his kids more if they are better behaved and really it just takes a little bit of coaching to get there.

Answer 11

soon if u have a problem with something u have to tell him

Answer 12

I think it's a bit too soon.  Maybe in afew months or if he happens to seem distraught about it or stressed you can take the opportunity to spark up a convo about it.  

It's a lot to handle for him, what happens if you two get serious and you want to live together and get married, the kids may hate you for tryingto instill discipline and it could turn into a messy chaotic situation.  Have you thought about the future, are you willing to deal with what may come?

You gotta also keep in mind things are VERY different between 2.5 yr old and a 15 month old compared to 4,5 and 7 yr old.

Answer 13

RUN!

seriously, before you get any deeper. I don't have any kid or have been in your situation.

i do know that people are sensitive when it comes to their kids.  i know several kids who behaive like that and the parents seem to think its not a big deal.    like i told my cousin that its inappropriate for her 5 year old son to pee outside in full view of the world.  she thought it wasn't a big deal. so basically my advice is that most likely your boyfriend thinks his childrens' behavior is normal.