When to tell a child they were adopted.....?

Question

My daughter is 6, I was thinking about telling her about her adoption. I am her bio mother, but she was adopted by my husband when she was a baby. Basically, in my head I keep thinking that its best to tell her now, while she is still young so she grows up knowing it, rather than when she is older and feels that she has been lied to all her life. Yeah, I realize she won't fully understand this either, but again, something she would grow up knowing. Besides, so many other people know that I am also a little worried that she could find out from someone other than me.

Answer 1

The sooner the better...

parents get this idea that 'oh it's better to wait'...it's not

For the person who doesn't understand the adoption thing - the mother didn't adopt her daughter, as that's her biological mother.  It's a bit of a different circumstance where her husband has 'adopted' her daughter as his own child since her daughter has a different biological father than the one she probably knows as her 'daddy'.

Answer 2

I don't understand how you can be the bio mother and she can still be adopted...

But tell her now.

Answer 3

I have a 4 year old son, and met my fiance (who he calls dad) when I was pregnant. I have also been worrying about this, and I decided I will tell him as soon as I think he will be able to comprehend it, that way it won't be a real shock as it would be as he grows older.

It is scary as h**l though.

Answer 4

When was 12 years old and going for my confirmation I had to get a copy of my baptismal record. My mom always told me that my Aunt Zoila was my god-mother so I assume that my uncle (her Husband) was my god-father They have a child that is only 10 months younger than me and i was baptised at 5 months.... needless to say i was shocked when i say a different name than my uncle's on my record.... so a questioned my mom and it turned out that my uncle wasn't the bio-father of my cousin thats 10 months younger than me. That they met when I was 2 yrs and got together had 2 kids and he adopted my cousin. I was shocked and i wasn't even the adoptee.  Turns out my cousin was in class with his own brother (his dad was apparently married to someone at the time my aunt got pregnant didn't tell her then ran away cause he didn't want the baby). He seems okay with it after all. I knowing that his bio-dad never gave a but i think it would have been better than he known this from he was little. He still calls this adopted dad his dad and loves him more than anything and we are close liks brother and sister so I know how he feels.

Just to add my cousin never mentioned how he found out i didn't tell him but i guess his mom finally did. He was about maybe 15 or 16 but he never talks about it and never seems to care.

Answer 5

The younger the child is, the better the acceptance.  My children were told from the time they could read and walk.

I made a big fuss of them being so special and kept telling them how much I loved them.

Leaving it has always seemed to me (just my opinion) that you are trying to put off something that is uncomfortable.

You must never feel uncomfortable, you should be shouting it

out the window.   It is a wonderful thing for both the child and the parent, why hesitate at all.   It must be the most natural thing in the world for the child./

I know some adoptive parents that waited and waited and the children eventually found out on their own./  I tried to tell them from the beginning that they were making a mistake, but they had their minds made up.

There were serious problems and the family literally broke up.

Your daughter is six.  You can make a good story out of the truth, be happy, be thankful at the time you tell her, do not make it feel like a sad story.  It is something to celebrate, and let her know that.  Tell her now, before she gets any older.

Answer 6

Going through the same thing. My daughter is 5 and was adopted by my fiance. This is the only man she knows as being daddy. Its very different since you are her bio mom. Now if you weren't the story would be hard to explain. I chose to wait until she gets older around 9-10 to fully understand what I'm saying to her because at this age it going to go in one ear and out the other. When I do tell her though I will give her full details no c**p about why this happened, who her father is, what type of person he was. Kids just want to know and hear the truth. Then its her chose to pursue him if she wants to, but most likely she won't. I will sit and tell her that there are guys out here who will be just like her real daddy when she gets out here and start dating. I keep it real when I talk to my child. I don't give the "okay this is what happened honey" pep talk. I get down to the nitty gritty. Life is not going to be sweet.. I have to teach her that now. My family and friends don't care about the situation. That's a topic that we don't even discuss. Majority of my family and friends kids are being raised by another man, so that's nothing new in our world. I know your concern because you do have people out here who feels like that's their responsibility and its not.

Answer 7

I believe the earlier the better.  It would be horrible for her to find out from someone else.  Our daughter turned 5 last month.  She's known for over a year she had different parents when she was born and we adopted her .  

She doesn't know the details, and so far we only told her that the lady and man that gave birth to her were "sick" and couldn't take care of her.  So far, the only thing she asked was if they are alive or dead.  That was just a couple weeks ago.  I told her they're still alive, and she just said "Oh" and dropped the subject.  When she asks more questions, or is old enough to understand more, we'll give her more details.

Answer 8

Stop waiting until preschool and so late! My son is almost 10 months old and we read adoption related stories and show him his special scrapbook and talk about adoption positively all the time. He may understand it all but he is going to grow up hearing about adoption in a positive way and about his biological mom so that we don't have to fret over how do I tell my child.  Don't keep it from them like it's a dirty secret or something wrong or else you will have problems with your child.  

Photos are a good way to start. Tell them about when they were born, start there. Let them ask questions because I'm sure they will have plenty through their lives. Get involved in adoption support groups in your area if need be.  There are different ways families are formed, adoption is one of them and it doesn't mean that as adoptive parents we don't love our children.

Answer 9

my parents told me from day one that i was adopted.  i always knew that i was "special".

i remember that there were times that it was hard for me though.  especially in grade school.  my mother said that i came home one day with tears in my eyes and said to her as i pointed to her stomache, "i came out of there right?"    but i understood that i was adopted but some kids can be cruel.

Answer 10

My six year old is always asking about her baby stories.  "Tell me about when I was a baby".

So, I would start w/ some funny stories - like the time she threw up on daddy..... and then tell her adoption story is the same light vein.  "And there I was, pushing your stroller, and I met Daddy!".   No need to go into who her bio-dad is yet...although those questions will come eventually.

Of course, Daddy is her father - he adopted her and chose her - make sure she understands that she has two wonderful parents who love her very much.

Answer 11

I grew up knowing that my dad was my biological father but my mum was my adopted mother, they just made it seem so special saying that she chose to adopt me. It can be a shock to some kids to find out they may have a different parent out there, but I knew from age 2 to a certain degree. At 6 it still may be a confusing shock. I think there are a few kids books out there aimed at this kind of subject, maybe go to a public library, or the book shop and ask so you have something in kids terms that they can read over again until they kind of understand. As long as she doesn't feel any less special after you tell her it shouldn't be a problem, I think it is better to grow up knowing that have it come from a well meaning Aunt or something.

Good luck!!

Answer 12

my parents told me i was adopted when i was around 5 or 6 yrs.i didn't really understand,but i accepted what theysaid and carried with what i was doing.over the next few years i thought about it from time to time,and slowly understood.i just accepted the situation for what it was,and i was never in a position where the news was a shock.i dread to think how i would have felt if one of my older brothers had blurted it out  to me,or even worse if my parents had told me when i was going through puberty!.i honestly think you should tell your daughter before too much longer.it will be a great weight off your shoulders,and she does have the right to know she is adopted.

Answer 13

my mom told my little brother from the day he was given to them(2 days old). As they drove by the hospital he would say "look Mom, there's the hospital I was born at so I could be your son" and "Mom I'm glad that Lady had me but I'm glad your my mommy". It worked out beautifully. He's now a teenager and hates the world, but that's pretty normal.

My Mom always said to him "I wanted a blue eyed baby so badly that God gave you to us" and "God wanted us to have you as a son so badly, that he had another lady birth you, but you are our son".

Answer 14

I always suggest to warm up to the topic by mentioning it from day one.  "We're so glad we adopted you."  "You have beautiful brown eyes just like your birthmother."  Putting her birthmother's photo in her little personal album for her to see anytime, etc.  In your case, it is a little different.  But you can start by making sure you only say neutral or positive things about her birthfather.  Maybe start out with a couple of book on adoption, or all kinds of families, including step.  Work them into her daily reading together.  After a while, introduce the topic -- discuss the book and reinforce how you value all kinds of families, that they all love each other, care for one another, all are good, etc.  Then after a while, introduce her relationships.  How she has two father who love her.  She has a "first", "other", "birth" father, and Daddy.  And that her birth father wanted her to live with you and Daddy, and you are both so glad he did.  That may be all that's necessary.  Don't overwhelm  her by sitting her down and telling her "her story".  Too much!  Just plant the idea at first.    Good luck!

Answer 15

Read with her the childrens book entitled 'Tell me a Real Adoption Story' by BJ Lifton

Telling is not a one-time event, but start now and be open and encourage questions as and when they arise (expect loads of those around the age of 7 or 8)

Best of luck