When will it get better?

Question

When will the pain stop? I've felt like nothing ever since I can remember. I am adopted and my real mum gave me up at 3. She's dead now and I've never been able to grieve probably because I never knew her, yet she was my mum.

I have all my life felt unlovable, I fear rejection and I let people walk all over me. I know I'm depressed, I self harm, I'm suicidal most of the time and in foster care things happened I darent admit to myself.

This pain eats me up. My tears fall almost every night.

I've been to my doctors and they give me tablets and group therapy - I don't want to rely on pills nor talk in a group so I didn't do either. That was 7 years ago and its getting worse. I'm getting worse. The darkness is beating me and I can't fight it much longer.

Please tell me it'll get better. When will the pain stop?

Answer 1

Hi Ando,

All of us are lovable and while you are missing that important relationship there is one relationship that you can do something about.

That's the one you have with yourself.   I've spent my life in pain and fretting about things and it achieved nothing.   My best relationship is the one I have with myself.  I am not a religious person but I do find value in some core teachings from buddism and the ten commandments offer some guidance on the living of a life.   Here is what I know about dealing with loss and pain.   It's up to me how I feel and react to the bad things that happen in life.   I either learn something from them and move on or I let it overtake me and then suffer.    I truly believe that suffering is a choice, happiness is a choice and reaction to the many emotional setbacks that happen just through being alive.  You have said you self harm - this is something you have to deal with head on by finding ways of expressing your pain rather than inflicting pain.   I find writing my feelings down helps a lot to dealing with issues that are painfull or confusing.   When I see the issue clearly then I can take action to fix things.   I don't know what the circumstances were in your natural mother's life in giving you up - it doesn't matter now but it's possible she really wasn't able to cope with her life and felt you would be safer and better off with someone else - you can only let this go and forgive her.   Please don't think she didn't love you.  I know it sounds easy for someone to say love yourself but this is key to self esteem and generating happiness and satisfaction within yourself.    There are books on this topic that may help you but it is in your hands to improve the way you are feeling.   You must believe that you can overcome challenges and find comfort within yourself.  Please take care, have you discussed these things with a professional person you can trust.  Don't let things overtake you - the power is within you.  Warm wishes.

Answer 2

I can understand why you don't want to take pills, but if things are getting this bad, then you really need to reconsider this.  They can help by giving you a break while you work on improving things - if you've felt bad all your life, it will do you good just to be lifted up for a while. Perhaps you won't need them for very long.

Depression is an illness that can be draining when it is severe, making it hard to pull yourself up without help.  You can also ask your doctor to see a therapist as an individual - it's definitely worth asking.  In the meantime, have a cuppa and ring the Samaritans whenever you feel suicidal.

Answer 3

You need to know, that you are a child of God. God loves you and sent his Son to save you and redeem you from sin. Your Mom must have  had problems that she had to give you up for adoption, so that you would have a better life than she could give you. It is good that you can cry, it is a grieving process, come through it and give your burden to the Lord, he will help you, and heal your broken heart. You will need to meet other Christian and you will find them in the Church in your area,there  is a Catholic Parish, find it and go to Mass and meet others, and find the light of the world Jesus the Christ. The pain will stop, and you will get better, and find that you can love others and let others love you.  

Answer 4

I know you have probably heard everything I am going to say before ... but listen again. Your biological mother only gave birth to you ... she did not ever know you either (and I bet that hurt her a great deal) and for whatever reason she felt that you would have a better life without her in it.

We are all individuals and what I do is seperate from anyone else as is what you do and what she did, etc. We all live our lives with the cards we were dealt. We can alter our 'hand' by our actions (ex. get a job we love, find people around us that we care for and that care for us, treat others how we want to be treated ,etc.), or never try to improve it. You hold the power to make your life what you want it to be ... and deserve a great life.

It's wonderful that you are open and wanting change and are seeking it. Keep searching and you will find it. You said that you didn't try group talks or pills but maybe being open to such other avenues can help, if even for a short time (Depression often requires medication).

It will get better. I can't tell you when, but believe. I wish you all the best and hope you can get past these feelings.  

Answer 5

Hi Ando,

I can't possibly understand what kind of pain you are going through, but you are not alone! Your parents love you and have taken you in as one of their own. I want to say this to you now because I am now going to be direct with you. People love you, and if you think you haven't found any yet, keep looking. Because they're out there.

Now, I find that people are depressed mostly because they are introverted. Introverted in this context means you have people all aroudn you trying to help you and trying to let you know that they love you, but you can only concentrate on yourself, your pain. The cure, for you, is to forget about yourself and forget about your pain and learn to help other people. What about the other people in your situation? They need help to, and they don't need it from Joe's like me who have never been there, they need it from people like you, who have been through the pain. You have a unique opportunity to help people and have always had the opportunity to love people, and insofar as your own happiness goes, you must concentrate on empathizing with people around you. If you do so, you will connect with them and form bonds with them, and you'll find those bonds will bind you to life. I've heard of mothers lifting trucks to save their babies. That's due to the bond between them. You need that power. Everyone does. The darkly funny thing about it is you already have it.

Hope this helps,

-S

Answer 6

It's a long, hard fight but yes, it will get better.

If Group doesn't do it for you, then try 1 on 1 counseling.  

I understand the pain, my father died when I was 5, my mother didn't want me around ( I reminded her of my father and after he died, she wanted to get on with her life and she would constantly tell me that she "never wanted me, but my father did and now he was dead and what was she supposed to do with me now?").

You'll get past it.  Don't let youself fall into the role of the abusee (although it may take a few tries before you get that right - go easy on yourself, I had to work my way through some rough relationships before I felt like I "deserved" to be treated well).

I know it's hard and I fully understand the tears.  My mother remarried and my stepfather was a jerk (you & I likely share the same memories - only yours happened in foster care) and it's really hard to forgive.  I'm 43 now and I still haven't forgiven him, or her because she knew about it but refused to do anything about it.

Sometimes hurting yourself isn't so much about punishing yourself before some else does (although sometimes it is) - but it's about FEELING SOMETHING.  When you go through so much grief and trauma - you can become numb and when you inflict pain on yourself - YOU are in control and you actually experience the pain "in real time" which is different from what you're probably used to - which is constantly feeling the pain retrospectively.

We all have a lot of demons to fight and sometimes its so unfair that a few of us have many, many, many more demons than those around us seem to fight, but that's reality.  It sucks too, but clearly you have it in you to be a survivor  -- and down the road you'll see how much your pain has prepared you to handle life in a better way than those who were handed everything and who seemed to grow up surrounded by nothing but sunshine and roses.

It's hard to build up your endurance to the pain, but you're doing it and you'll be stronger and you'll be able to help someone else someday... just like I'm trying to do right now.  You deserve the best, and normally I wouldn't put this kind of personal info about myself "out there in cyberspace" - but I think you need to know that you're not alone and that yes, dear.... you'll be OK and it will get better.

Take care of yourself.

Answer 7

When YOU stop it. You are living in the past. The thing I tell those I am counseling about living in the past is "You can't go forward when you are looking backwards." I know that is easier said than done but there is nothing you can do to change the past,absolutely nothing. What you can change is your present and you future. It is your choice. You future does not depend on your past. Start right this minute and change you path, only you can do it. It is YOUR choice. Choose it!

Answer 8

Well, I think you should focus on the positive side of everything instead of asking yourself all the time “what is wrong with my life today?". If you pay attention you will realize that you are better off than about 1,000,000 to 5,000,000 people in this world. There are that many people who wished they were in your shoes, dude that makes you the man in many social groups. Besides, God loves you enough to still have you alive, with 2 arms, 2 eyes, 2 legs and everything else you need. Start giving god thanks for everything you have and focus, focus, focus on the positive and stop letting things you can't control have control over you, good luck and get serious about improving your emotions because after all they are nothing more than emotions. Today you will have a sad emotion and tomorrow a happy one; it's your choice which one you will allow to grow in you and which one you will dismiss. Make the right choice.

Answer 9

you know, I can't say I know when the pain will stop,because i don't. try to focus on positives in your life and someone to confide to. I'm not trying to be invasive, but maybe think about vising a Christian religious official in your community, because God loves you, and he will always be there for you.

Answer 10

wow thats rly tough.

im really sorry about your mum, thats tough for just about anyone who is going through that. my cuzin is adopted. she talks about going to see her mum sometimes too. but the question i asked her was .. '' what about the parents who are taking care of you now?'' i know its very sad. but you do have parents now dont you? they love you just as much probably. they would do anything you. its fine to think about your mum, even if you dont know her. you can still miss her. but remeber you have loving parents who love you. its all the matter of knowing that.. you dont have to feel the pain, you are loved very much. always remeber that. and if that doesnt help enough, you have me.  i may be someone who answered... bu i cared enough to share.

good luck:D  and it will get better, only if you want it to be. you have to make it better by accecpting what happened and be true. you can do it, i have faith in you.  

Answer 11

well,hope you are ready for the big ride because you are just getting started.you are not going to change unless you try and no 1 is stopping you from becoming what you want to be except yourself.

i been through a h**l of alot myself and what i did was break my habbit of depression.and im a very strict guy and i will give you the truth even if its harsh but i can say tis is something to be depressed about.Time will heal all and you learn from all mistakes and parts of your bad past.LET ALL THAT HURT YOU AND MADE YOU CRY MAKE YOU MORE OF A BETTER PERSON THEN YOU COULD EVER BECOME.DO WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS IMPOSSIBLE AND PROVE TO YOURSELF THAT UR PAST DIDNT CONQOUR YOU.

trust me this is hard but you cannot GIVE UP!!!please dont

suicidal just proves that you w=are weak and couldnt handle  your own past.its who you are.except it and LIVE>LOVE>BE HAPPY