When would be the right time to give a child a letter from her birthmother?

Question

My concern is that the letter contains very detailed information about the circumstances of how our child was concieve. I have to give points to her birthmother for being honest, but unfortunately it reveals things like infidelity, lies, secrets and other things which would be very hard for a child to understand or make sense of. Everything is so black and white to children that I dont want her to make judgements about her birthmom without really understanding the situation. I obviously will give her this letter, but what age would be appropriate? Has anyone had this situation? Helpful advice would be appreciated? Our child is two yrs old and was adopted from overseas.

Answer 1

I would explain the parts from the letter that you are comfortable with in the words you are comfortable using to the child, adding details as they get older, and then, finally drop the big bomb letter when you know they are ready to handle it.

Answer 2

i agree that it could be problematic for the child.  i can't imagine you are thinking of reading it to the child now.  this is quite unbelievable if the child is only two.  i would think about holding on to it and passing it on to the child when they are maybe 16 or 17.  of course, you need to preface the letter, talk about things beforehand too.  you need to prepare.  i even wonder if waiting until 18 might not be appropriate.  children can't process difficult info. like this.  you have to prepare the child by letting them know they are adopted, sure, but you don't have to reveal sad personal details.  i think this must come later on.  right now, you have to focus on doing the best for this child.  stimulate them with learning new things.  take time to spend special time with them.  you need to groom this child to be a balanced and happy adult.  you can't let this child think he/she comes with a tonne of emotional bagage.  you have to have the child feel special and cared for and i don't think the child needs to know about upsetting things like you describe too early on. just my opinion.

Answer 3

You're very thoughtful. Start talking about the firstmom, and the positive things. I can imagine that when she wrote that, she was either pregnant or just had her daughter and was disraught over EVERYTHING. Imagine how you would feel if on top of everything the man had done to her, she now is trying to write a letter, knowing, I'm losing my baby. As your daughter grows, you'll be able to prepare her for this letter by talking to her about these situations. Then before you give it to her, tell her that her mother was writting this letter at a highly emotional time. She wrote it when she was angry, hurt, and felt betrayed. Then on top of that, she was losing her child. You have many years ahead of you, when the time comes, she will be prepared. It may hurt, but it will be her truth, as we all have truths in our lives about our families that we've had to deal with. Best wishes.

Answer 4

When you feel the child is old enough to understand. Normally around the age of 16 to 18.

Answer 5

It's funny that this question came up...I received a letter from my birth mother 2 weeks ago.  I've always been ok if I never heard from her b/c I have parents and a family that loves me so much- right here.  I figured that my birthmother wasn't able to take care of me- taht's why she put me up for adoption- I mean, that's the situation for many of the adoption cases.

My recommendation for when you should give your daughter the letter is when she has a grasp at adoption.... meaning, when she can understand that things happen to all of us, and that no matter what the circumstance, she has parents and a family that loves her right now (you).  The time will come, and you'll know when to give it to her- most likely in high school or college...

Answer 6

I was adopted when I was 3 and a half. I will be 18 in a few months. My parents told me growing up that I was adopted, they didn't hide it so it wouldn't be so awkward when I grew up. When i was 14 they gave me a few letters that my birth mother and grandparents sent to me as a kid. I'm thankful for my adoptive parents and I'm glad that they gave me the letters, but I didn't fully understand them then like I do now. So instead  ended up go through life hating my birth mother and never wanting anything to do with her. But now that I'm almost 18, I see it all differently and realized that what she did was for the best and I plan on visiting her maybe next summer. I want her to see how I've turned out. My advice to you is wait until your child is old enough that you think they will understand the situation. I believe that 17, 18 is an appropriate age. Good luck!

Answer 7

My suggestion -- Take the letter and type up some of the positive words as she stated them.  Such as:

"I love you."

"I want you to have the best."

"I want you to know you were loved."  

"I thought adoption was the best for you."

Quotes of her loving words.  Put that in the book with her photos, if you have one. Let her have that now.  Let her keep it on a special shelf or place.  Let her go to it and look at it as you read it anytime she wants.

When she is old enough to figure out and understand that this is part of her letter, and you have the original, longer letter, then let her know that letter is for when she gets older.  

If the letter contains adult information (which it sounds like it does), she cannot possibly understand this until she is much older.  Maybe 11-16, depending on the child.

But she needs the love and sentiment of the letter now.  That way, the longer, adult letter will not come as a shock.  Nor will it be misunderstood and confusing because she reads it too early and does not understand any of the issues.  

Again, intent and sentiment are crucial.  Always support your child's curiosity and need for info with love -- soft smiles or gentle pats or loving looks.  Give the message always that this is a good thing.  This is the way she will take it in and grow with it.  Good luck!

Answer 8

I haven't had this situation but is there a sentence or two that you could convey to your child?  

I know not everybody is a scrapbooker but if you could put together a little book explaining her journey to you would be nice.  For example, our birthmother said, "I just want you to know that i will think of you everyday and i will love you forever."  ( is there any sentence that this in the letter?) That is how we ended the book.  This book is now worn and tattered because it was part of a ritual everynight she had her book read to her.

IDK just a thought.  So that she could have a small part of the letter until you determine she is old enough for the whole letter.  Good Luck.

Answer 9

I am adopted too, and am now 20 years old. Growing up, I was happy and truly blessed to be with my family...  although  i had many questions, and was always searching for answers.  The truth is important, no matter what it is - some watered down flowery version of something is not acceptable... although as a parent you, obviously, have to have your child's best interests in heart... I don't think you can decide on an exact age to give her the letter, but you'll know when the time is right... my advice would be to always be honest with her, to answer her questions wisely, and truthfully... it will come naturally - you know her better than anyone else :)

Answer 10

I like Joslin's idea.  But I would make a photocopy of the letter and chop that up for quotes to include in the baby scrap book.  Seems more personal.

Answer 11

wait until she is old enough to start asking. i am 16 and have been wondering for years, but my adopted mother still wont help me out. she lies and hides things from me and i resent her so much. dont let that happen with your daughter. tell her when she understands that people lie and stuff

Answer 12

I think 18, they are adults then and can understand how the world works. If you have read the letter, and it's too graphic and might hurt your child then I think you might want to give her the choice and read it with her. I don't think you should with hold it. I think it was wrong of the birth mom to go into all the gory details, your child does not need to know all that.

Answer 13

I would wait until the child was college age or if exceptionally mature 16 or 17.

Answer 14

i am an adult adoptee.  i was put up for adoption at birth, and my biological mother wrote me a letter and it was put in my file.  growing up, i was always told my adoption story from my mom's point of view, from the time they got the first phone call to picking me up, what i was wearing, introding me to the rest of the family and how happy everyone was to have gotten their miracle baby.  as i got older (the dreaded teenage years) i began to face very common issues of adoptees.  the "where am i from" "who do i look like" "i wasn't wanted" stage.  my mom took me to the agency where i was adopted hopoing to help me find some peace. it was then that i recieved my mother's letter and a picture (one from when i was born and another one that was added to my file only a few years old).  although it did not contain the circumstances around her decision to give me up for adoption, it did give me alot of the answers i was looking for.  many years later when i was an adult, i found my birthmother.  i learned the circumstances around my adoption from her.  as for your daughter's letter, i would give her the high points until she is older.  be honest with her, and answer her questions as best you can and explain that just because the circumstances of her birth and adoption are not how you raised her.  and that is ultimately what her mother wanted for her, a better life than she had.  be supportive and give her all the love you can, sometimes it is very hard to hear (as an adoptee) why you were given away, even when you know in your brain that it was for the best and you are thankful that it turned out the way it did.  you will know as your daughters questions about herself will warrant the entire letter.  and hopefully by then a great foundation is in place and your relationship is strong.  i hope htat this helps you in your decision.  unfortunately i do not think that htere is a magic age where it will all jus tbe casual reading.  good luck to you and your family, and thank you for giving her a place in your heart, home, and life.

Answer 15

Whenever your child starts asking questions and wants to know why he/she was given up.

You can help your child make sense of the things that are written in the letter; but don't underestimate your child.  People make the assumption that adoptees have to be protected from the truth but the fact is, we are a lot more resilient than people think.

Once your child expresses interest, give the letter, and be there to explain anything that he or she has questions about.  That's what a parent is for, right?

Answer 16

I disagree slightly with someone on here who has said the best age to tell the child would be 17 or 18. I think you should let the child know as early as possible that you ARE their mother, but they came from someone else. That's all you need to tell younger children. Children develop and their minds develop so quickly that if you were to tell them at 17/18 it would come as a huge shock. For children to grow up KNOWING they were adopted (and that isn't a bad thing as long as they know they have a loving family) makes it much easier for them to ask questions and for you to answer. THEN when they are old enough and mature enough, around 16-18 years, you should show them the letter. I would definitely not advise keeping this a secret from the child though.

Answer 17

you can wait after the child would be 14-15,then he understand things better ,although the real mind come at the age of 40 when you became parent .