When would you try to save a marriage?

Question

After 17 years of marriage, with four children, but with incidents such as cheating, lying, abuse, and not being stable is it okay to stay in such a marriage. Are there any hopes that things will get better? What do I look for to see if my husband is still worth my love, respect and time?

Answer 1

So many single woman out there its unreal . If you want to go then good luck getting a better one . Things have changed allot out there . More woman looking for a husband . Man no longer has to look for woman to many to chose from for us . Kind of spooky

I went on true a dating site and had over 400 woman wink at me within a month . Dont know whats going on with woman today

Answer 2

cheating and abuse is a major issue...think things over if these things keep on happening and there's no chance of getting rid of them, you have to get out, its not healthy for you or for your kids to see you treated like that.

things might work better than you would expect after getting a divorce, at least you will know the meaning of happiness again, and your kids wont be stressed out all the time about seeing getting abused or get hurt.

you also dont want your kids to be raised knowing that its ok to treat a woman like that.

Answer 3

I think your fears of being with another man is causing you to make decision that your not happy with.  You first need to make some changes in your life, if your not happy, why in the heck are you still in this marriage.  Life is to short to live it in pain and unhappiness.  I promise, if you get out of this marriage, live by yourself for a while, hang out with your girl friends, you will soon find the desire to be with another lover, be it a man or woman, you will find love and respect.  Your still a young woman and still have a lot of life to live, so why don't you start.  Good luck sweetie.

Answer 4

I believe in doing everything possible to save a marriage. But if both people aren't willing to work on it and do whatever possible to make positive changes, then you must make the decision that's best for you. If only one of you is willing to make changes and work it out, then divorce may be your best option. You must do what is best for you, no one can make that call for you. Good luck and best wishes. :)  

Answer 5

When would you try to save a marriage? When you still want to.

If you don't want to, then it's not worth saving. You have to make that call, you can't judge your own happiness off what you've already done. Do what makes you happy.

Answer 6

move on  

Answer 7

I would say if constant abuse leave. but to kno if he is still worth it give it a few mounths if it gets better stay worse leave

Answer 8

Marriage in a hands of woman. You let him cheat and he'll do it. It's up  you to make things better or worse.

Answer 9

First of all., I think you are a really decent human being for trying to give this relationship one last try...Here is my suggestion....Talk to him about going to counseling...If he agrees then there is hope for your marriage. People CAN change....If he refuses and puts his own ego above your needs then you are going to have to face the fact that he just doesn't care about you enough to work at this marriage.You have to stay strong and not give in to empty promises...You are not doing your children any good by staying married to a man who is a poor role model for them.Best of luck!

Answer 10

I would really hope that you seek some counseling...first on your own and then maybe couples counseling.  

It sounds to me that if you were able to overcome the cheating, and I'm not even saying you should or that it would be easy, that you might be able to feel love for him again.

Staying with someone because of the fear of living without them isn't very healthy emotionally for you.

If you can financially afford to separate, it might be the best bet for you.  

It sounds like a very destructive relationship, and perhaps counseling could help you see things from a new perspective.  Maybe if your self confidence improves then you would realize you deserve better - he would have to change, or you would need to move on.

Good luck.  I've been with my man for 12 years myself and I know that it is very complicated.

Also, my thoughts about "could you ever loved him the way you did before?" - no, because you are a different person now.  But if it can be reconciled, you might be able to love him differently, and maybe even better.

Answer 11

" Better to break wedlock than be broken by it"  

Answer 12

A marriage is worth saving when the will to save it comes from both sides. Please think about your children first, what would be the best for them and their future? I would never give up on someone i love or loved, especially when they try do make things right. Maybe it's worth putting some effort into...

I hope things get better, good luck!

Answer 13

maybe he's cheating, lying and abusing because his unstable, and his 'instability' is a serous and legit medical conditions.  

funny, how everything sorta fits in with one fact, eh?

his medical conditions may be a fixable thing... then, is your marriage?

Answer 14

if there is abuse and 4 children then i dont see the need to put those kids in danger and i'd be out of there.

Answer 15

um, it's ok to stay in such marriage if you have zero self esteem and enjoy loveless marriage.

Answer 16

when you are being disrespected over and over that is a sure sign to get out while you still have your sanity!

Answer 17

If he has been doing all the things you mentioned here, I am not quite sure why you are still with him?  Your love for him alone will not make the marriage work.  Marriage takes the core partners - the two - husband and wife, both parties to work things out and BOTH want the marriage to last.  It sounds like you are doing a lot of forgiving and he is undoing all the forgiveness you have been indulging him.  He is not worthy of any of your affection, companionship or time.  

Answer 18

You know what you feel inside your heart for him.... and if you think what you feel in your heart is enough .... stay.

Grass is not always greener on the other side.  

Another man is still a man and has his own quirks and such.

However will you ever feel that gut wretching can't live without you love for your husband or another man... don't know.

Answer 19

ask yourself this if you didnt have kids would you still be there.

if the answer is no, then its time to move on.

Answer 20

If your children are young, you should try to make it work if possible until they are older.  Divorce/custody are very difficult and get pretty nasty and the children are always the ones most affected.  

You and your husband have both made mistakes and must be willing to stop putting each other on the defensive about hurt feelings and compromise.  Treat each other better than you have been.  

One question to ask yourself is if your husband adds to your life or takes away from it?

Answer 21

stay calm and think for a while...

Answer 22

Well first off you have the wrong approach to begin with. Instead of looking so hard to try to find things your husband needs to change, why not look at yourself and into your heart to see if it's worth YOUR time to be lied to, cheated on, and abused? Do what makes you happy!

Answer 23

Surprisingly it sounds like he really wants to give it a shot. Tell him that you want him to show his love for you before you start showing your love for him.

Answer 24

ask yourself if you can ever be happy with this man again.  somtimes theres too much water under the bridge.  but if you say yes you can, then you need to make forgiving him your first priority.  thats the hard part.  

i think youre wasting your time.  you are just in a comfort zone playing the victim of an abusive husband-which you are-but by definition, victims arent happy people.  survivors are.

Answer 25

You should look for girth and length.. isn't that why you stayed with him this long??

Answer 26

You must have really low self-esteem, I don't understand why anyone would stay with someone who treats them like c**p. You pick up your kids, or kick the bas**** out and collect child support. That isn't love, one time is WAY too many.

Why do you need another man (stand on your own two feet), get to know yourself take care of you kids and move on, you don't know the damage you are doing to your kids. He doesn't respect you.

Answer 27

when the good things about him out way the bad there is still a chance if not then let it go

Answer 28

You did not say what kind of abuse.  Physical abuse is unacceptable no matter what.  Infidelity is not the worst thing that can happen to a marriage but it will take a lot of work to rebuild trust.  Sounds like you 2 love each other but the "in love" part has been shattered.  Have you considered a relationship therapist?  A good verbal controlled fight with a middle person could help.  Allowing you to express your anger and hurt and him to say what is on his mind as well.  I am convinced that people do not cheat on each other because they want to leave.  Most of the time it is for reasons that are deep inside and emotional.  I hope you can work it out because I think people throw marriages away too quickly - but if its to the point you and/or your hubby do not want to work really hard to save your marriage be humane enough to remain civil and walk away from it all.  

Answer 29

Try marriage counseling. If you can not work through your issues, leave.

I go by the Bible and it says divorce is only acceptable under three conditions: 1) the spouse is an unbeliever, 2) the spouse is an adulterer, or 3) there is some form of abuse continuing in the relationship.

Honestly, I would have left at the second sign of abuse/cheating ("The first time, it's shame on you, the second time it's shame on me"). You are showing no respect for yourself by staying in this relationship. Do you honestly want any of your children to have this type of marriage? By you staying in it, you are sending them the message that this behavior is acceptable. Don't stay in the marriage because you fear being with another man -- just DON'T be with another man then! Think about it. Good luck.  

Answer 30

if you visualize your self without him and you see daily life more peacefull then its time to go. sadness and loneliness will go away with time, but your peace of mind is more important b/c it affects your mood and health as well as how you treat your children. if there is just too much drama on a daily basis and energy is being spent on arguing and focusing on the past then you need to seriously look at where it is headed.

when i left my ex i had to come to the realization that i couldnt let go of the past and in my mind its what defined him. he didnt try to fix his image in my eyes anyways, so why should i force myself to see him for a good man which he wasnt or even trying to be. when we seperated i was sad and lonely,  but i had no more screaming matches or crying myself to sleep histerically. i just went to bed in peace a little sad and lonely for a month or so and then i realized it was the best thing i did for myself and my health, then i noticed that i wasnt crazy for leaving him or crazy for argueing so much. he was just not worth it. maybe you need a break to clear things in your head first before you make the official real decision.

dont be afraid to be with another man. it can be a great journey and oportunity to share with someone else. have hope and you might find someone better than you can imagine that will bring you passion and love. or live your life just the way it is for the next 50 or so years to come. so take a chance or stay in the same stuff forever.

Answer 31

Staying with someone that lies, cheats and is abusive is obviously not healthy.  Everyone is afraid of starting over, being with someone else etc.., but that isn't the issue.  The issue is your marriage healthy for you and for your children.

There is always hope that things will improve but unless you are going to counseling and both of you are dedicated and working hard, it will not change magically.

Only you can decide whether or not to stay with this man.  Don't let fear of the unknown keep you in an unhappy relationship.