When you child's grandparent does something you dont' like, and you let them know, why are they offended?

Question

Thank you Jennifer H! My husband keeps saying "Appologize over the phone." I said "I'm not sorry and I won't"

Seriously, I've done nothing wrong. I'm not going to say "Sorry I'm a parent and I have concerns"

She does think she's right and that she wasn't trying to hurt her granddaughter. I see it differently. She didn't think before she acted and I'm the one who has to deal with the consequences of her actions when she leaves! So now it's her turn to deal with the consequences of her actions!!! Thank God!

Answer 1

I think as long as you were honest with her then it shouldn't be a problem. Now iwould have spooke to her face to face but mabey she is the type of person you can't do that with. You have to remember YOU are that childs mother and want the best for him/her. If she is doing something you don't agree with you have to speak up and say something. You are not a doormat.And don't apologize for something she THINKS you did wrong. If she truly respected you she would have siad ok you know what im sorry for doing those things and i will try to respect you wishes in the future, I think her being offended is silly. And as for your husband, she shouldn't have called him if she had a problem with you she should talk to you about that and your hubby has to realize YOU AND THAT CHILD ARE HIS FAMILY and he needs to stand behind you 100 %... Honey i feel for you i hope your MIL will come to terms with her wrongdoings and not treat your child any differently.. exactly what does she do though that youu don't agree with.. jsut wondering so i can get a better idea of yur situation

Answer 2

Remember that your mother-in-law has raised at least one child.  She has more years of parenting experience than you do.  That does not mean that she can't be wrong!  But try to understand her perspective.

From her perspective, it's like she's had 20 years gardening experience, and you're a beginner and insist on rejecting her advice and saying that she must be wrong.  That's why grandparents can be hurt or offended even if you disagree nicely.  You also are kind of saying implicitly "You may have done this with your child, but I think you were wrong to do so."

So even if handled nicely, hurt feelings at a minimum may result.  We have made different decisions on many things than our parents, and I know that mine at least have had hurt feelings a time or two from it.  But, they do try to understand that these are our children.

I don't know what the issues are, so I can't really speak to specifics.  Just answering your question of why.  But, do make sure to pick your battles.  It's not wise to list all 20 things that bug you, from the very important down to the very minor.  By all means, nicely say "no" when she wants to feed your 1-month-old cereal, but you don't need to mention the time that she watched your toddler and didn't change his shirt as soon as he got a stain on it.

Answer 3

Why is it more of us seem to have issues with our MIL's and not the other way around? My MIL is the SAME way! I just have to stand up to her since my hubby is scared to. She is very bossy, but she listens to me. She even comments on how I shouldn't be pregnant again (21wks second baby). She didn't want her second. She tells him so a lot too. I think it's sad our husbands are to chicken to stand up for us. My son will not grow up being scared to talk to me. Then again, I will give my DIL space and not put her through this c**p!

Answer 4

well i figure she was offended because regardless of how you said it she likely felt criticized, not saying you were wrong cuz you do need to do what you think is right regarding your child.

dealing with parents is hard, remember they likely feel they know more than you, they are older and have already raised kids... just think how you'd feel if a 10 year old told you you were raising you child wrong... ok maybe that seems a little silly and extreme but your MIL could feel something along those lines

Answer 5

I think you know that you have to do what is best for your child. You MIL may have raised children before but it has all changed.. Think about it, we didn't even get car seats. The world has changed and so has parenting. When she was raising your fiance, it was probably socially acceptable to spank. Today it is much less accepted. Germs werent an issue when we were kids either. Now we know better. I dont think saying something was wrong, she is just going to have to get over it!

Answer 6

Didn't you just post this same ? but in a different form? How many times are you going to ask the SAME THING?!

Answer 7

My frustration with this is that the Grandmother thinks she right! IT'S NOT HER CHILD.  Let her raise her children her way, and let you raise your children you way.  Whose says anyways that there's a wrong way and a right way to raise your child.  Things were different in her time.  Ppl are always telling me how to raise my child.  Particularly my mother.  Most of the things she sayd are right, but there are some things that I just won't do with my child like leave here to play on  the floor in the living room by herself while I go to the kitchen (where I can't see her) to do my dishes.  Just rolling around the living room now to get around and is gettiing into stuff.  

You were right in what you did.  You weren't rude, you were just firm in what you said.  And you have EVERY RIGHT TO BE!!!!!  I'm upset that the husband wasn't more supportive.  I understand that his is mother, but her married you and had a child with you , not his mother.  The welfare of his child should come first.  I don't like those walkers either because if they move faster on their wheels than the child does, the take a spill face first into the ground.  My nephew had 6 teeth by the time he was 10 months old and walking.  He was using a walker and took a spill because he was still unsteady on his feet.  He lost one of his teeth and lost half of another.  

So I agree with everything that you did!!!!

GOOD FOR YOU!

Answer 8

That is funny it just reminds me of my father in law, he keeps telling me that I have to tell my son NO he was saying this to me 2 or 3 days in a row.  I tell my son No he gets on time outs.  It is just funny because my husband is an only child and they think that they did great with him, that is a lie, he doesn't have manners he doesn't care about anyone but him self and he so takes after his dad.  So I am prego now and the mood swings were kicking in and I completly went off at him started yelling at him to not tell me how to raise my child and all that kid of stuff, I will not appolagize about it, he nows it.  He has yet to say anything else about it, or about him saying I need to tell my kid NO, oh and they funny thing he was saying that when my son wanted to do puzzles with him and he just didn't want to do it with him.  

It should get better, maybe she will just realize not to do that stuff now since you both had something to say on it.  Good thing for your husband for standing up and getting involved.

Answer 9

YOu are right.  The problem here is that being a grandparent is a new thing for her.  She can only compare it to being a part time parent.  This means that she can see no wrong in what she does.

What I would consider saying to her is this.

"I truly apologize if what I said offended you, as that was not my  intent.  My intent was to protect and nurture my child, your grand child.  As the parent, it's my responsibility to do this, and the doing can sometimes surprise and offend those who are not ready for such statement.  I stand by my requests, however and know that you will respond with love as we both want what's best for him/her."

Answer 10

Hi ;) first of all, I get where you are coming from. My baby is not even born yet and my MIL is all over, with unsolicited (bad) advice. And my boyfriend just listens to her like she's the greatest beholder of all truth...  

But maybe talking via e-mails wasn't the best decision. Calling her would have given you the chance to respond personaly to her replies.

But then again, it gave your husband a chance to talk himself to his mother --which is the way it should be done.

The perfect phrasing I found with my MIL was "I respect the way your raised your son but I would apreciate it if you respected the decisions we take on how we're going to raise our baby."

Good luck x*x

Answer 11

They get offended because they mean no harm.  Plus, they feel like they've done all of it before so it must be ok.  She'll get over it.  That is unless she's evil like my MIL.

Answer 12

Your first mistake was writing an email, that comes off as rude and a lot of times your tone cannot be determined so things sound more s****. than if you said them to her in person.

Then, she is YOUR child and if the MIL is going to be immature and not comply with your rules then tough.  But this is going to be a lifetime relationship so smooth things over with her and maker her understand your position.  Also, don't get your hubby involved, just take the matter into your own hands, especially since she seems to try to manipulate your husband by acting like a baby.

I didn't read all your details but I would be interested in what behavior she is displaying in front of your child that you don't like.

OMG I just read your details about what she is doing and I think you are overreacting, being too uptight and you  are ruining the relationship and causing unnecessary drama.  Believe me, I understand you but I used to be that way and it only caused stress upon everyone - not worth it.  You should always accept gifts, just don't use them or make up some excuse that you had to return them.  As far as the fingers in the mouth, that's not such a big deal, are the children sick from it now?  She DOES sound crazy but she your MIL and you're stuck with her, make the best of it.

edit: it's funny because everytime I try to tell the truth or get some common sense into the questioner I get a thumbs down.  Why is it that everyone expects everyone else to agree with them, that's not productive or constructive, might as well not bother asking any questions if you are still going to end up with the same point of view you started with!

Answer 13

It's a start to a better understanding between you, your husband, and your mother-in-law.  She was hurt by the criticism, but it sounds as if she meant no harm, just didn't think about it.  Every set of parents is the result of the last generation and their reactions to how their parents raised them.  Each generation then changes some of their parenting practice as a result.  You don't have to apologize, but you should realize Grandma meant no harm and was doing what she thought was right, even if it wasn't what you believe is best.  When your daughter grows up, remember, the two of you will probably have different views too.  Good luck, and I hope you, your husband, and mother-in-law can get on the same page and at least tolerate each other more, if not grow closer.