When you really can't stand someone, what should you do?

Question

I have never had a good impression of my mother in law. She had my husband do favors for her that involved driving 45 minutes both ways to go pick up his sister and take her to the mall. She made promises of repaying the gas money he spent on HER family, and was shady and made remarks that stated he was making things up.

My husband became homeless at 16 and moved in with his older friends because his mom kicked him out. He fought with her a lot because she was spending all of her spare time out with her boyfriend, neglecting her four young children while my husband took the brunt of it.

They made amends shortly after we married, she wants everything to be perfect (so perfect she's fake and it's making me sick!) She wants to spend all of this time with him, and he's just smitten with the idea. I get nasty with her on ocassion, sometimes she doesn't pick up on it, sometimes she gets offended.

She tells her son (my husband) things to make him jealous. She gets into our personal lives and pries to find out how much my husband earns at his business and what exactly we spend it on. She is in constant competition with him! His sister only calls when she wants a favor from him. We've moved 35 minutes away from them (not far enough!) and he tried to stop taking calls asking for favors. I checked his phone records and he only calls his mother, she hardly calls him. His sister calls him, but he won't call her (she is becoming disowned for running away this summer with her biracial boyfriend).

What should I do? Every word of them he speaks, I get sick thinking of how they use my husband and abuse him with their actions. His mother only speaks of money and turns green with jealousy when he speaks of it in return. I'm so sick of the bragging and boasting done on her behalf. My husband stays pretty modest throughout this mess!

Answer 1

I am afraid my dear you can't say anything,or do anything in this,you have to love your husband,and stand by him through this,until he notice how things are..you have to start pointing things out to him ever so often,but thats all ,if you get in between them he will not like it or you will pay the price..be very,very, careful my dear..she knows he has a good life and want to be like that with him,the good mother an all,but she do not know you are the next half to his life,she thinks it's only him,and thats what she wants.be smart keep good.  

Answer 2

for your sanity, stay out of it. remain supportive of your husband as long as he puts you first. concentrate on other things, inlaws can make a person crazy.

Answer 3

Ugh, that sounds horribly intrusive. See, when you get married it’s a package at wholesale prices without the hopeful guarantees, disregarding all of which any warranties; truly risk taking, but very humanly. Maybe you got pregnant and thought to hard or, thought you had to marry or, forced yourself to marry because you didn’t believe in abortion. Maybe you really believed you were only marrying a single guy without a family. You could have been completely in love; you might love you’re husband unconditionally. Maybe the idea of marriage was over powering. Or maybe because you wanted to marry so bad that you failed to recognize the shaded areas since the light was shining so bright.  

You can move as far as you like; but you can’t change you’re husbands route to accommodate you’re emotions. If he can’t see that he is being used as a speed bump, you surely don’t want to be the big bad wolf in pointing fingers.

Good god, I do recall only two mothers of two ‘ex’ boyfriends I had that were tremendously obsessive, disabling, intrusive, annoying and when I think about it; down right sickening is the feeling I got. Was I going to live with that feeling by choice, or comfort? Ha, none. I guess everyone is kind of selective towards what the want to deal with.

I can’t really give you advice on what you should do when you’ve already picked you’re battles.

Answer 4

he is over reacting and trying to have a good relationship to make up for his youth.

He will come to see the situation for what it is and back away.

He has already done do with his sister and sooner or later he will drop his mom

This is something he will do but you must stand aside as when you complain he will be forced to defend her.

Answer 5

Stay away from them.  

Answer 6

You are in a tough spot.  He didn't have a mom and now that she has shown some interest he wants one.  Problem is, it sound like your husband is being fairly successful with his business and from what you have stated, his mom is trying to get her hand on some of the cash.  She is using him.  When he was a kid he had nothing to offer and she basically abandoned him.  But now,  he has something to offer and she wants part of it.  She is a user.

I would have a frank discussion with him.  Try to get him to see the picture as you have described it.  His mom basically turned in her mommy card when she kicked him out of the house.  (unless she had legitimate reason such as drugs etc.  But based on what you have written I doubt that is the case)  Try to get him to realize that what he is getting out of the relationship and what his mother is getting out of the relationship.

Everyone wants to have a mother and family.  Problem is, he had a messed up childhood and now he is going to mess up his adulthood trying to make up for what he didn't get as a child.  He needs to let go of the past and look to the future.  You can't change the past.

Everyone has two chances for a good parent child relationship.  The one with your parent, and the one with your kid(s).  If he keeps focusing on trying to salvage the one with his mother, he will not have a good one with your kids, if/when you have them or maybe you already do.  You need to try to get him to see this.

If after you have this conversation he doesn't see things clearly, you will just need to take a back seat and stay out of things.  You stay away from his mother and don't give her anything to use against you.  Don't be rude to her, just be polite, but don't engage her either.

Good luck