When your child's grandparent acts like they're right and you're wrong, what do you do?

Question

I emailed my mother in law stating that things that she does to my daughter need to stop. She said that it was uncalled for and was extremely upset. I didn't call her names and I didn't say anything other than the facts. Now she thinks that she was right and I was wrong by correcting her. Excuse her, but I'm my daughter's parent, not her! If I dont' want someone doing something to MY daughter, I will feel free to correct them. I sat back wayyy too many times and allowed this BS to occur, and now I've finally announced what WILL and WILL NOT be tolerated by my family.

Mother in law wants me to withdraw my feelings and say sorry for confronting her.

I cannot appologize because that will make me look sorry for being a good parent, which I'm not sorry for.

I keep my distance from my MIL, but now how do I handle this woman who is so set in her ways that she does no harm?

Answer 1

What does she do to your daughter that you don't like?

I wouldn't send her any more emails if you still have things to tell her.. she could keep them and then try to use them against you somehow one day!

I have tons of issues with my MIL too, and I don't know anyone who doesn't! It's so hard to cope with, but right now I'm trying to decide what things I can put up with from her, and what things I can't, so that I only confront her on important stuff.

Answer 2

My MIL is pretty old and kinda nutty so we have family visits one a week where everybody is there including me and my husband.  If you are there you can do damage control and distract your child from MIL.  If you are using her for free babysitting, find a new one.

Answer 3

Keep this is mind: The definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results. Don't let this fellow woman get the best of you. She knows the challenges of raising kids, and if she had a challenging mother in law, then she knows what she's creating here. This was what I had to keep in the forefront of my mind when I was in a relatioship with my mother in law.

Everything started out with very small things like your mentioning a simple request politely. Once she continued to disregard my requests, I pulled the plug and started from scratch, she was no longer able to have our children in her care alone, so visits came down to me and my husband being present, whenever she attempted anything against the boundaries I pulled her aside in private and let her understand what just happened and how it affected the situation negatively. I nipped everything in the bud, soon she started coming around, but she could'nt handle being submissive to my requests and treating me with respect so as her manipulations (forced apologies) and never taking responsibility for her own actions continued, it had to come to no contact. I

n Laws are like children you have to walk them through everything, they've never been a grandparent before it's very new.

Create boundaries and have your Husband be on YOUR side no ands ifs or buts. Don't fall into forced apologies as it's not a real apology if she's happy with foolishness like that then thats her perogative.

Your words are  all you have so use them wisely or she'll use them to her advantage, I would recommend some light reading on how you can assert yourself to your mother in law so that you are coming across with respect to her but also setting the foundation for a relationship that is healthy for the children. Kids are smart and they are precious when problems occur they feel like its somehow their fault, so nip it in the bud while they're young!

Your not alone in this Mother In Laws are challenging, but you have to figure out that communication, or it will be chaos always.

Answer 4

She should respect the way you choose to parent your daughter.....she raised her kids they are grown and now its your turn to raise yours.  Your not wrong for correcting her about something if you feel that strongly about it.  Our baby isint even born yet but my soon to be MIL has her input on things and I think shes too careless.  I choose to not have my baby around anyone whos been drinking I dont even care how much theyve had....my parents agree with this....his dont!!!  My thoughts are....you wouldnt get into a car and drive why would I let you hold my fragile baby?  I know where your coming from and you are not wrong to correct her especially if it was done in a mature manner!

Answer 5

Remind her that You are the Parent..... short of limiting Grandma's access to your Daughter.... I am a Grandmother... I sometimes overstep my bounds.... I'm lucky I have children that let me know.... My Daughter-in-law has no problem letting me know when I do something I shouldn't.....  On the other hand I think that both of my children take into account that I am a little wiser in some areas ..... that does not mean I'm right.... just wiser....  Stop Grandma from making it an Issue with your daughter....You don't want her caught in the middle.....

Answer 6

I think you did the right thing. Stand your ground and don't back down! You need to let her know who is in charge, otherwise she'll walk all over you! That's your daughter and you make the decisions for her!

Answer 7

Hey I have a mean MIL too.  Been dealing with it for a looooong time.. But to add to the nightmare - she watches my children during the day.... This cause so many problems.... But she is FREE and I know that my children are safe and taken care of....

But it plucks my nerves when she tells me how to parent or tells me something... So I let it roll off my back for a while and then I said to myself - I am not going to let her talk down to me like that and make me feel like an idiot or bad mom... So when she would make her little comments - I would make a comment back - but I always did it nicely so she can't say I was mean....

So stand your ground girl... Otherwise she WILL walk all over you until you get a set of balls.... Once you start confronting her she will knock it off... And remember to treat her with the same respect she treats you with... You are not a kid anymore even though in her eyes you are...