Whenever i get a girlfriend i lose my identity. why?

Question

Whenever i meet a girl that i really like i end up getting sooo focused on them that i lose who I am. Like i get controlling in a way. I dont want to be this way but it just happens. Help.

Answer 1

you are too desprite to find a girl you need to ease up and just take a breather be yourself not trying to impress her just calm down and slow down

Answer 2

This so-called "chameleon effect" is common enough in relationships. We (marriage counselors) see it in couples where one partner is strong (or has strong ideas, etc.) and the other takes on the ideas or characteristics of the strong one. This is usually a form of "protective coloration" (hencer "chameleon") in which the weaker partner tries to "look like" (be like, think like, etc.) the stronger partner.

For example:

He really likes to shoot pool...so she (although she has never cared about pool before) becomes an enthusiastic pool player also.

She is a conservative Republican. He was raised a liberal Democrat but is now, like his wife, a conservative Republican.

He's been an atheist all his life. He married a devoutly religious wife, and now seems even more devout than she is!

The main point is that one partner takes on the likes/dislikes, ideas, interests, hobbies, etc., of the other partner in order to "be like him/her" whether it's a good idea or not.

It only means that the person who takes on the coloration of the other wants to maintain the relationship as a partnership in which both partners are interested in the same things (even though they are not).

This "chameleon effect" is usually limited to just one relationship and doesn't splash over into friendships, work, etc. (If it does, it's clearly a case of someone who has low self-esteem or at least not much of a positive self-opinion.)

-- Dr. Bob

Answer 3

Simple, we men are stupid around females.

Answer 4

What you're going through is really the result of you being so committed and so interested in another person's happiness that you lose your own. There's nothing wrong with that, until you reach the point where you are. I know you've heard it said that you must love yourself to love others. The way you treat yourself and the way you see yourself will blend with the way you interact with others and it will be an explosion. I say you slow things down in any relationship where you feel this is happening; step back and find yourself...then when you go back into the relationship, keep that consciousness of self worth and don't compromise it. You will be able to love others on a whole new level with this method. Good luck!

Answer 5

First you have to ask yourself who you are.  Start there and the path to inner strength will be open to you.  that kind of strength will allow you to keep you identity.

Answer 6

Look up "limerence" on wikipedia. That may provide some answers.

Answer 7

its because i think when you like someone more than you, you completely forget who you are! you need to control and stay calm...

Answer 8

you don't have a strong personallity and are too desperate  to please and get approval.

edit:

I had a real rough childhood and adolecence, i've never really adapted to my peers cause i was always depressed and i had trouble knowing how to behave in social situations cause i had no sense of self worth.

I used to be  like you with my first couple of boyfrieds.

I really liked.  I needed to be liked and felt that in order to do so i had to be like any other typical girl :shallow, somewhat self centered, demanding, spoiled and talked about just having fun and partying,  being drunk, sexually promiscous, wild and wreckless, at least that was my view on the typical  popular girl in her early 20´s.

I wanted to be like thoes  girls cause i saw they where never alone or unhappy, they hung out with the "beautiful people", had the best boyfriends, ---guys just drull for them!---  and the best things in life going for them, just by being them. I was the very opposite of them and wanted to change that.

Much to  my suprise, i found out that men who are valuable much rather be with  a girl like "the real me" they never got to know,than with the semi-psycothic shalow, s**t i portraited  myself  to be before them.

Someone who is sweet to em, and has a true interest in them discrete, selfless, down to earth and honest .

I came to my attention that i've wasted my chances by not beihng myself when i was refered to my then love interest as a "phoney" and a "poser" .It really shook me and i was crushed and flet so stupid and unworthy of everthing that i isolated my self for a year.

i then  decided that at least arround guys, i'd be the better version of me i could be or something like it, it has work i have had some happy relationships...even if they where short lived they where pleasant.

you see? it doesnt just happnes to guys!

good luck with everything!

Answer 9

That is just how it works. Get used to it.

Answer 10

it is because you want her to be look nice to her..

Answer 11

It sounds as though you are desperate to feel loved and accepted. Whenever you let yourself get emotionally attached, that is the bond that ends up breaking your relationship. You probably hold a lot of your true self back in most relationships and you see the commitment as an escape from holding back. Like, no longer a need to act like a tough, smart, witty man (you know what I mean, I hope). A huge problem with that is losing yourself. You end up twisting and turning all over to keeps things status quo- and that is scary.

It took me over 20 years to see that I do the same thing, and always have. I had a rough childhood, extremely turbulent, perhaps this is the cause for you?? What you need to do, for yourself & your future love/s, is to get to know and *accept* yourself. Try not to hurry. Focus on art, music, science, (whatever) and enjoy! Once you truly accept yourself, you will be much more attractive to ladies, and you'll spot those who are in your prior state of mind pretty easily. Best of luck to you!