Where are all the first moms?

Question

i meet adoptive parents. i meet people who are in the process of adopting. i know lots of adoptees. in all my years, i've never run across another first mom in a social setting. ever. i did at one time through an ad and we talked on the phone. let me rephrase that, i've never met a first mom who was still in "limbo" or "living the secret". i have met first moms who have been reunited with their children. where are they? why?

Answer 1

I decided to have an open adoption instead of an anonymous one or an abortion. I worked hard to use my circumstance to dispel the legend of the regretful birth mother, knowing this would be a great fear of the adoptive parents, and that I might transfer those horror stories onto my own feelings.

Not to say that your feelings are mythical. I think the regretful mother is really hyped up, and this may be why you are seeing a disproportionate lack of them.

Open adoption is becoming more common. It is healthier and happier. Maybe that's where a lot of birth mothers are. Open adoptions let light shine on the point of the whole affair: a child was given the best place. What's the secret? What's the regret? It is a selfless act of giving a better life, something to be proud of. In your grief, try to think of the child, and what is best for them. This might make you feel better. I know a lot of children feel like they are the last on the list to garner respect.

Answer 2

You are right, it is easier to meet adoptive parents and adoptees than it is to meet biological parents who relinquished.  

There are several reasons for this.  Some biological parents never wanted the kid at all.  Maybe the child was even removed because of abuse.  Do you think those parents want to admit that?  If they never wanted kids, why would they want to talk about the kid that is no longer their problem???  

Anyway, I think more of the time it is because giving up a baby is a very hard thing to do.  Most of the time, babies are relinquished by mothers who should not have been pregnant in the first place.  Even so, even when you know you cannot take care of the baby, it has been with you for 9 months, and it's hard to see it go.  "Quick cuts heal faster" is the reason alot of biological mothers opt for closed adoptions.  

In fact, the only biological mother I've met in person had an open adoption with her son's parents.  She got pictures, phone calls, and even helped "peer counsel" the girl who was pregnant with a daughter they were adopting.  She was happy with the situation, but even she talked about nights of tears when she first came home from the hospital without her son.  Life keeps going though, and she knew that she was being able to give herself a more stable start by not having a child to care for.  She also felt like he had some of the best parents in the world.  I think she had even gone to visit them once or twice - all in all she was content with the situation.  Even so, it wasn't something I found out immediately upon meeting her.  If we hadn't been in the same bible study group, I could probably have gone years without hearing about it.  Because the boy was no longer an "active" part of her daily life, she just didn't bring him up much.  Because the process of relinquishing (meaning giving birth, and the first few weeks after) had been painful, it was obviously something she wasn't eager to talk about casually.  I think that is probably the situation with many "open adoption" biological mothers.

Answer 3

I'm a birth mom...whatcha wanna know?  I don't keep it a secret.  My son is 21 now.  But I never kept it a secret.  I didn't give him up to keep him secret.  I gave him up to give him a better life.

Answer 4

I understand that you are in pain. But do you introduce yourself as a first mom to everyone you meet? Most other first mothers probably don't either. That is something that is probably not shared until they form a relationship with someone and they feel they can trust them with that information about themselves.

Answer 5

don't worry about them.

Answer 6

Ick at the answers given so far.

Now that you bring it up, I notice the same thing regards to in real life, not internet friendships and acquaintances.  Mind you, I am a wallflower anyways, and rarely start up conversations as frequently as most people.  But when I'm asked about my family, or if I have children, yes I do mention my firstborn that was placed for adoption.  For the first few years, I heard a lot of "Oh... I'm so sorry" but now it leads to some pretty interesting conversations with people who usually know of adoption but not actual interaction with adoption.

But yeah, if someone does have an experience with adoption when I meet them in real life, it's usually an adoptive parent, a prospective adoptive parent, or an adoptee.  On rare occassions I've met families with expectant parents considering adoption, but thankfully none have earned the "firstparent/birthparent" title.

Someday somewhere in real life, I will bump into another mother like us.  I can hope.

Edit to add to Lorna_bug - congrats on being happy with your open adoption.  Not everyone has your story, and even when they do it still can come with regrets.  When did you relinquish?

Answer 7

I guess you would call me a first mom. I don't hide it. But only my close friends know. People are generally very mislead about adoption and why birth mothers choose that route for their baby and themselves. I choose semi open where you get pictures and updates for the first few years. I do miss them but I know they are happy and healthy. If you haven't received any thing for awhile you might want to contact the atty. ,or agency you worked with. It may be that they no longer have the correct info to contact you for your updates.

Answer 8

Well, most first moms don't advertise themselves. They are treated worse than women who have had abortions by family, friends and the community.  

I know 4 other first moms.  At this point, all of us at least have had contact with our children.  It has mostly been painful.  I have been in contact with my son, still am, but not reunited and likely that won't happen -partly by my choice and partly by his.

Answer 9

I assume you mean "Birth Moms"...The ones that are still living the secret are usually women under 30 who are raising a family with a husband now....or whom have a child out there who is still under 18yrs old and they cannot contact yet or the adopted child cannot search her out yet.    In case you haven't noticed many of the young Moms who have adopted out a child out of love and concern for the well-being of their babies are not given a break by their peers for having gone through a selfless sacrifice...especially 14 yr olds Moms! Is your curiosity because you are an adoptive Mom? An adoptee? Or a birth Mom? or a journalist or aspiring journalist?

Answer 10

I hid my secret for almost 30 years, maybe 6 people knew. Sometimes it was buried so far down that I had to question if it really happened and then when her birthday came around, I'd cry all day. Once we were reunited, I had to start explaining to people who she was, it's been liberating, but sometimes weird, giving explanations on how many kids I have and how many grandkids too. But I tell my story now without shame and without lies and excuses, because it doesn't really matter why I did it, it matters that I'm trying to make things right now. Living a lie is very hard but I did it for almost 30 years afraid if people knew they would think I was a horrible person, well come to find out, people are kinder than I thought and they were happy for me. Imagine that.

Answer 11

First mom here.  And, your additional details, from two days ago, about adoption reform, brings tears to my eyes.  My son was adopted almost four years ago.  And, the moment that he left my arms will never leave my mind.  He was thirteen months old at the time.  Many many promises were made, and broken.  And, to this day - I still wonder what he knows of me.  But - I live in a close proximity to where they live and so to protect him - I don't talk about it.  People who are close to me know that I had a son, but also know he was adopted, but that's it.  He doesn't know who I am, but supposedly will some day.  I am hopeful of that, but not counting on it for another 13 years or so.

Answer 12

Yes you have met b-moms!!!  And lots of them!!!  Only...they are still living the secret.  You simply didn't know or realize who they were at the time.

My b-mom refused contact.  I think that is because she is not brave enough to forgive herself.  And she is the only one who can do that.  She is terribly bogged down in denial, still doesn't want any one to know.  

No one is mad at her.  We know that, in my case, adoption worked out wonderfully.  I feel very sad that she is stuck in the past.  I wish she could live in the present, look to the future...but she can't?  won't?  I don't know if this applies to other b-moms, but it seems like it might.

Answer 13

I'm a first mom.  I have a four year old I parent and she has a six month old sister I placed for adoption at birth.  Technically, it is supposed to be an open adoption.  I got photos a few months back.  I don't hold my breath.  I know that if I get anymore pics, I will be lucky.  But I do not feel any regret over what I chose to do.  I was looking out for the welfare of both my children.  I had to think of their needs and what life I could give them.  The couple that adopted baby "Z" were very nice.  And she is a fat, happy baby.  Seeing her smiling and looking so content keeps my heart at ease.

Little Jaina-

To remark that most women who relinquish for adoption are ashamed because of whatever reason...how untrue.  And we had no reason getting pregnant in the first place?  Ignorant.  First moms are well balanced, often in their twenties (not all birthmoms are teenager), and often are coerced into relinquishing or they realize that their child needs what they cannot give them.  It is not because we "do not want" them.  We want what is best for them.

And believe it or not, we sometimes have older children we are parenting and find ourselves unable to cope with a new addition.

Answer 14

Yeah.... it's stigma. A lot of us still don't like to proclaim our "birthmother" status too loudly.

I do tend to claim and acknowledge my (relinquished) daughter... we also have a successful open adoption, BUT yes, I still regret the adoption... not sure what openness has to do with regret, really, except that in a lot of cases openness seems to speed up the "awakening" process and a lot of moms start regretting SOONER. Just my observation.

But you know, even having an open adoption, even with my story broadcasted all over the workplace (long story there), even with her pictures all over my house... there are still LOTS of times I just don't want to talk about it. Period.

So if it is something I tend not to bring up, I'm not surprised other moms hide it.

We are out there, we just don't think adoption is a wonderul miracle and a fabulous topic of conversation--for us it's usually painful--so we don't talk about it... and so we're not as obvious as  the aparents.

Answer 15

My mother gave up 2 kids when she was pregnant with me.  My mother hurts over the loss of her children.  Every birthday she calls me and says do you know what today is and I always know that it is one of there birthdays.  we have tried to find them with no luck.  My brother and sister have had a good life and I hope that someday they will want to meet us.

I carry a load on my shoulders because she gave them up while pregnant with me.  She could have kept the and got rid of me.  when she gave them up they were 2 and 3 years old

Answer 16

My "open adoption" ended badly about 2 years ago. I had agreed to visitations 2 times a year (birthdays and Christmas) when we started it all. But my daughter cried for days when I would leave after the visits so they took her to a counselor. So right before her 10th birthday they told me the counselor says she has an attachment disorder and that I cant see her for a few years until she matures. I think that is wrong and may be harmful to the child but since I signed away all rights I can do nothing. I just wanted to know her and love her sop that she knew it was not my choice and I did not abandon her. But I have to wait 6 more years until she's 18 and I can go see her without them....

Anyone going through an adoption should definitely have an attorney on their side!!! No matter how sweet the family seems at the time!!!!

I do not hide the fact that I chose a family for my child, Most anyone that knows me knows about it (and friends know my mother forced me to do it)  I have never gotten a mean reaction from anyone, and have even helped 3 friends go through the process of finding homes for their babies, but I made sure they had attorneys when they did it!