Where are the manners?

Question

Wow. I posted a question about getting a sibling gift for an adopted sister and have gotten several unempathetic, inconsiderate, rude responses. I thought this site was about education, not ridiculing the question asker. I am trying to find my footing with adoption, as I really want to do it up right, but judging me as a person does not educate me and diminishes the effectiveness of the message the answerer is trying to send. When you are a waiting parent, so much emphasis is placed on acknowledging that an adoption did take place and honoring the birth family. I am appalled and saddened by the negativity, especially since my heart is truly in the right place. Regardless I hope all of you have a great holiday season and that the spirit of the season catches you soon and stays with you all year.

Answer 1

Unfortunately this forum tends to have some "not so nice" answers.  People - and that is adoptees, bio families, and adoptive families alike - tend to forget that there is more than one side of a story OR that a question does not necessarily come across correctly as a typed copy.  I do not know of your original question, however I am sorry that you were ridiculed for posting your question.  Make sure that you report those incidents so that we can clean up this forum and make it a place where we can honestly and respectfully submit questions and answers.  We don't all have to agree with each other, but we don't have to get nasty about things either.

Answer 2

I guess the manners were having a fling with common sense and were unavailable for your questions.

To research some adoption issues, you'll find a wealth of resources under the resolved question tabs, but you'll have to be able to hear and weigh various viewpoints.

good luck

Answer 3

Honestly, you wanted to give your adopted daughter an "adoption-like gift" ..... thats weird.  and it is like saying "neener neener, I didn't want you, but I wanted your sister!"

so I see where part of Sunny's answer came from.

Answer 4

Get some thicker skin, your daughter probably has thicker skin than you already.  It's times like this when I'm embarrassed to be a 'girl'.  Cripes.

Adoptive parenting is not for sissies.  Buck up and take it like a man.  If you want polite conversation and advice, go chat with other validating APs or well-paid social workers.  I am not here to win a popularity contest, or be your BFF.  

When I first went to adoptee 'support' groups in the '80s, I was shocked, and 'hurt' by all the 'negative' things that were said.  I got over it, and so will you.

Adoption is not a picnic, or a rainbow, or a new pony.  APs have a hard time acknowledging the 'negativity' you speak of--they seem determined to only see the sunshine.

I've obviously woken you up out of your adoption coma, now instead of crying about how I was mean, and could have sugar-coated that bitter little pill, start putting the focus on your daughter instead of feeling sorry for yourself.  After all, isn't that what you're supposed to be concerned with?

Oh, and have a merry Christmas!

Answer 5

Have some Pasta Salad and cheer up!

Not everyone is going to agree on this forum, that is what makes it so interesting.  I didn't see the question-in-question (lol) either but if you're going to post here, you'll have to learn to accept the fact that not everyone is going to see eye-to-eye.

Sorry you are feeling hurt, but I hope it won't keep you from asking & answering more questions around here.

Happy Holidays to you, too.

Answer 6

Unfortunately there are several people who have overtaken this particular category who are bitter and angry about things that have happened in THEIR life and try to project it to others experiences.

I am sorry, but as someone else said, just try and take it with a grain of salt. Your heart is in the right place.

Answer 7

First thing is just give the gift without any indication of adoption, no different than a friend to friend gift.

Addressing responses from the different people on Yahoo, let it be known without giving full detail , I addressed a young man from Canada that had spent three years in college here in the states, but was asking for ways to become a citizen and how his folks could come to the United States. Per the set standards of Yahoo I received an e-mail, in the way I gave my answer. I haven't been on Yahoo very long, but I find it hard to understand how people such as yourself found this, as well as how some people write their questions and spelling yet nothing is done to correct that. I have enjoyed reading and answering questions in the short time I've been on, but have concerns as to who is behind the controls of this, where there isn't indication of set standards when it comes to questions  from the different people. Good Luck.

Answer 8

I know i did not say anything negative. I just wanted to make sure that your daughter's sister knew she was adopted. Because I was telling you what happened to me. I mean i grew up knowing she was my sister, but my sister's parents never told her she was adopted and that I was her sister. I mean if the sister knows she is adopted and that your daughter is her sister. Then i would get them something that they both can have that would remind them of each other. Like charm barclets or necklaces. Teddy bears or dolls. I kinda see where you are going now, you want to celebrate the day you became a family. Personally i think a little tinket reminding them of how they are sisters is cute. I wish i had something that reminded me of my sister. I think they both would cherish something that reminded them of each other. Just a thought and it's MY opinion. So please do not take it personally.

Answer 9

Ugg! I know it can get nasty here! Pictures or a scrapbook are always good. Something that can tell the story of time. Good Luck I hope you find something that suits!

Answer 10

Most of the answers you received may have been from people who did not understand  your intention, however, I think I do. Forever Families should be celebrated, and I think your heart is in the right place. I know that in a magazine I subscribe to,(Adoptive Famiies) there are many companies that make special gifts for adoptive families. Some are jewelry, some are dolls.  I think however, if you want to honor your sister as you say, just look in to something that states "sister to sister" or brother to sister", leave adoption out of it.  Afterall, she is your sister............plain and simple. Good luck!

Answer 11

Your heart might be in the "right place" but your head is not.  Don't buy that girl an adoption present.  Do you want an infertile present?

Answer 12

I can't find your original question so I am not sure what you were asking about exactly.  But you are correct, we are here to share information NOT ridicule.  But as in life you will come across people who are not educated and cannot get their point across without being derogatory.

Answer 13

Don't take it personally.

I do not try to speak for anyone, but I know many of the people on here have gone through situations that have caused them much pain- and many times someone asks  a question that reminds them of a horrible event in their life.  Many people on here truly want the best for every adoptee in the world; and apparently some people assumed that giving the gift would cause that adoptee pain.

If something bothers you, just ignore it and move on. When someone answers a question on here, they don't know you personally; they don't know your true intentions. They just know you by the short amount of information in your question.

Happy Holidays!