Where can a fella like me buy a mammoth?

Question

I need one, and I'm counting on the good people of P&S to help me make it happen.

Answer 1

A live one or a dead one? Because you can probably get a mammoth carcass from a museum if you hide it under your shirt when no one is looking.

But a live one? The only idea I have is stapling a bunch of carpet to an elephant and hope nobody can tell the difference...

Answer 2

mammoth mountain gift shop

Answer 3

All the good ones come from the former Soviet Republics...

Try Craigslist, in the "free" listings.

Answer 4

I see a lot of them hanging around the China Palace All-U-Can-Eat buffet.  Just wait for it, they will come.

no free refills!! no!  

Answer 5

I would think the salvation army or goodwill :P

Answer 6

First ya gotta fund a genetics research lab, preferably in Russia, because the raw materials are there (frozen mammoth carcasses).

Then have the lab remove the elephant DNA from an elephant egg (closest relative) and replace it with mammoth DNA. Then they have to find, or construct, mammoth sperm and fertilize the egg.  Then implant the egg into an elephant mom.

Then you wait.  And wait.  And wait.

Eventually mom gets one heck of a surprise ("That's MY baby?") and you get your mammoth.

That is, assuming the lab hasn't gone bankrupt (hey, that's part of the deal, now that Russia is capitalist), a new government hasn't declared its activities illegal, or fundamentalist religious loonies haven't decided that you're playing God and need to be killed.

Now make sure you have a lot of fenced-in area to keep the big guy happy, and remember, we're talking maybe 400 lbs of forage per day.

Answer 7

Futility Knife is lying... i personally know that he's got one in his basement... i can get it for you for $50... just don't tell him where you got it...

Answer 8

at the mammoth store, of course

Answer 9

Try ebay.  The shipping costs will be enormous, but so is a woolly mammoth.

A less costly way to acquire one would be the ask Peabody and Sherman to set the wayback machine to sometime in B.C. when dinosaurs roamed the earth.  When you get there your modern weapon will be converted to a spear, but you shouldn't have too much trouble using that if you aim for between the eyes and are a fast runner.