Where did I go wrong and how to fix it or at least calm down?

Question

I'm not sure why I decided to come to Yahoo Q, other than being at my wits end and willing to try almost anything. My daughter is 11, very developed, and moody as heck! She is driving me crazy, making my blood pressure go up constantly. I raised her with rules, rewards and punishment, all when needed. She used to say ma'am or sir after yes and no, very polite and repectful of things. I have been fairly strict in schooling, curfew, etc. But easy going in other ways, like friends over, and other fun kid things with in reasoning of course and I'm still that way or try to be. But the past year she has been rude, disrespectful, and even hateful. All towards me and anyone who does not agree with her. She argues her point over everything, she is "always right", so d*mn moody and want everything for nothing. Her school works is on a spiral down hill and I know she is much smarter than that. She went from an A B to B's C's and F's and she tells the teachers she dont care. Please Read Continue

Answer 1

The lack of a father DOES hurt kids.

Try beating the disrespect out her once.That is NOT abuse.That is correction, and if you love her, you will HAVE to do that, because she has realized she can do what she is doing and the consequences aren't bad enough to make her NOT want to do them.

Next time she is disrespectful, you spank her butt until she  changes her attitude, THEN ground her, from friends, TV, games, radio, phone computer for a week..Oh she will be mad and say she hates you NOW, but after she calms down and grows up she will thank you for it later.

If that doesn't work THEN send her to her dad's for a month.

Answer 2

idk

Answer 3

She doesn't need boot camp, she needs a parent who understands that she is going through puberty.  Obviously her mother forgot what that was like.  Or were you a prefect child during puberty?  Give the kid a break of course she is going to be moody, of course things are going to change it's NORMAL.  Your husband needs to lighten up.  I suggest you get HIM a book on females and the changes they go through because he is obvioudsly in the dark.  Stop trying to punish this child for growing up.

Answer 4

First off, my heart goes out to you. As mothers we always want what is best for our children and do everything we know to do as far as caring for them, disciplining them and providing for them, etc. I don't believe you have done anything wrong.  If it were me, what I would begin with is picking her up and dropping her off at school. In my town this is feasible, because we live so close. I would tell her that she has lost the privilege of coming and going on her own because she has shown me that she cannot be trusted. After getting home, she would not be allowed  to go ANYWHERE until she showed me completed, correctly done homework. If she missed curfew, she would not go anywhere at all. Friends would not be allowed to come over until all homework was caught up. Privileges are earned.. it's not something that is just a given. I had to have the "cause and effect" chat with my daughter at about the same age. I simply told her that for each choice she made, there was a direct effect. She chose not to do homework, and therefore cannot go out. She chose to miss curfew and therefore must be taken to and from school because she can't be trusted to come and go in a timely manner. She cannot be civil and respectful to you, therefore you do not have to allow her to have friends over in YOUR home.  It feels very harsh as a parent, and no parent LIKES to do it.... but your daughter will come to understand that you (and she!) would much rather have things back as they were when she was behaving. Best of luck to you. Keep us posted!

Answer 5

Sorry to hear about all your troubles.  Please stop placing blame on yourself AND on her.  Just as you truly love her and want what is best for her and have done the best you could with her, she too is doing the best she can with what she has.  It may not seem like that, but she is hurt and angry about something and does not know how to express it and does not have the ability / knowledge to do it any other way.  Her acting out behavior is the one way she has managed to get people to notice something is wrong.  IMO, I would not involve a man who has not really been an active part of her life or who has not been a positive influence.  It doesn't make sense and will probably only cause more anger and defensiveness on her part.  

I acted similar to this when I was only a little older than her.  What I wish my parents would have done for me at the time is to sit me down- without anger or judgement - and tell me that they love me no matter what, and that things needed to change because they cared too much about me and about our family to let our current situation continue any further.  Then I wish they would have found me a competent therapist and I wish they would have gone WITH me because this type of stuff is not just HER problem it's EVERYONE's problem in the family.  I think that would have communicated to me that, hey they DO care and they're doing something about it and it's not just MY fault because they are going too.   FWIW, that's just my 2 cents.  She sounds very angry though and the sooner you and her can find out what that's about the sooner you can stop all the guilt, shame and blame.  Good luck!

Answer 6

Well I hate to be the one to say this , But she is becoming A Teenager , and with that they think they know it all. My Daughter is 14 and she started at that age to act like that , so its not just your Daughter , so dont think u have done anything wrong OK.

Another thing , is I use to be so close to my Daughter and now she never wants to be with me it seems, and I talked to her about it , and she said thatshe just wants to be with her friends and its not me , she is just becoming her own person , Pretty cool that she can say that, but it hurts. And think about it , you were most likely like that too. But I have found out the hard way , and My Mom use to tell me this to , but I just thought that A child should always listen to what I said

Answer 7

First: have her totally evaluated by a medical doctor.  Eleven is not too young to be having uneven production and "pouring" of hormones. Insist on blood tests for hormone levels.

Whether or not there is a  medical cause, please consider counseling for her and/or family. Prepubescence is often very

difficult  - on family as well as youth involved.

Answer 8

First is she getting enough sleep?  Most children this age dont and the symptoms you named sound exactly like that.  Try sending her to bed earlier.  Every time she smarts off or acts disrespectful up her bedtime half an hour.  And it does no good to send her to bed early if she just plays on the computer, watches tv or other such things.   Bed with lights out etc.

Answer 9

She is asking you for help in so many ways. It's time for professional intervention. Find her a good therapist who can help her deal with the issues she is facing. Rethink your attitude towards the father issue. A stepfather is not the same as a biological father and she is probably upset about his lack of interest. Punishment isn't the solution. She needs help.