Where do I stand on this matter legally, as a gentleman?

Question

We all know that under British law a British gentleman can not be tried for murder if said crime was committed while he was wearing a top hat. I was wondering what sort of crimes would I be protected from prosecution of whilst wearing a bowler hat, as I appear to have been rather busy chap last night whilst in a gin induced stupor.

Answer 1

Why not ask your friends at " The Masonic Lodge" old chap, or better yet, nothing is more effective than good old fashioned blackmail!  I'm sure you must have a friend high up in the judiciary that may have indulged in scandalous behavior!

In order to pay my way through university, I decided to work for an  " exclusive executive heath spa"  in central London, that caters for the finest of gentlemen.  I have seen many of those gentlemen on TV, when watching the house of lords debates, and have recognized thier names when reading the handsards reports!

They have always told me that, they could help me out if ever " I got into trouble"

Answer 2

Knocking on doors and running away...sneezing without using ones hankey to catch the snot

Answer 3

Hi Rotter,

I'm afraid that I commit a crime under English law each day, in that I do not practce the longbow for one hour.

It is still in the statute books.

So, being a gentleman myself, I shot a grey squirrel the other day, as they are classed as vermin, but would be prosecucted if it were a red or black one.

My apparal of a felt cowboy hat would probably be no defence.

Hey Ho !

Sir Bob

Yup, him. And another one !

Answer 4

you are above the law sir, and dont let any of the plebs on Yahoo tell you different.

Those oiks don't know how lucky they are to have such an esteemed gentleman committing trespass to person.

Answer 5

You are an absolute oaf at times Rotter, have you learnt nothing at all? As a gentleman you are utterly beyond the law. It is your duty to interpret it, not obey it.

The 'top hat versus bowler hat' argument in regard to  committing heinous acts is purely a matter of social etiquette; it has nothing to do with the law.

Answer 6

A.R. I suggest you read Stanley Bretherington Asquiths book titled 'Hats & the law' It is the definitive book on what is permissable legally while wearing cranial attire. I was shocked to read, you may only strangle a chav while wearing a Fez ! Luckily I didn't get caught. All the best.

Answer 7

You may also be interested that even know if your deface a bridge in England you will be deported to Australia for good, anyone for a free get away? But a gentleman like you would probably be able to pay 1st class without the criminal record

Answer 8

Are you for real?  That's funny.

Answer 9

Rotter, my dear, the bowler hat only protects one from the crimes of embezzlement, fraud and money liquidation. Ask the chaps at Bradford and Bingley.  You can always claim that any misdeed performed by yourself under the influence of gin was indeed done with a top hat on your cranium.  You may say that it was transformed into a bowler hat when sat on by Vanessa Phelps.

Answer 10

you're missing the point old boy, chaps like me and you have enough money to buy the law.

get yourself another gin & tonic and run riot.

Answer 11

well really you are protected from just about anything apart from buggering the chauffeur in a public place and of course we all have to obey the green man at the traffic lights

Answer 12

Well sir, i suggest one get one's self to a mental institute, but do not bring the gin

Answer 13

goat bothering only, i'm afraid.

Answer 14

AR you are safe as houses.  Just try and behave more like a Gent. No gin tonight please.

Answer 15

Contact your solicitor ol boy,  I'm from the colonies and don't know that sort of thing.

Answer 16

Under Constitutional Law a Gentleman in a Bowler Hat is exempt from all prosecution brought against him in the following crimes :

Mocking a Bishop

Throwing a Blancmange

Criticism on a Judges choice of cravat

Stealing any Taylors vintage port

Money laundering (on fridays)

Tampering with buxom barmaids

Selling the family silver

Buying and Trading in constitutional pleasures

Tampering with buxom barmaids daughters

Laughing at a dire matter

Wearing no breaches with a monacle

Locking oneself in at the ladies penial institute

Tampering with buxom barmaids neices

Salivating in the local lingerie department

Intentionally going to the ladies powder room

Unintentionally going to the ladies powder room

Enquiring and appointing at the massage parlour

Altering any form of Accounts

Tampering with buxom barmaids Aunties

Fixing the levels of stock in any mans wine cellar

Taking liberty of another mans mistress

Owning ones own brothel (on sundays only)

Creating a diversion in the cause of justice.

These rulings are set down by the Office of Justice and The Home Office and is a mandatory officianum. An ammended and up to date version of the constitute of Owning ones own brothel ( on sundays only) has now been disregarded and can be read as follows: One can own ones own brothel at any time. The source of these laws of which i serve to you are written with kind permission by a Solicitor General namely myself. So legally you can do almost anything else without a Bowler hat under any form of influence. Good luck old fellow and get stuck in ....

Answer 17

I'm not sure about wearing a bowler hat, but there is 1 law that has not been revoked and that is;

You may shoot a Scotsman in York (I think) on a Sunday with a crossbow.

Answer 18

In strictly jurisprudential terms, and, with, or, without bowler, top, or, safari hats, it appears that, your 'goose, is, coo coo.............. ccccccccccooked!' Get on to the Legal Services Commission, and, obtain funding, otherwise, present your miserable self - immediately - at the gates of Pentonville, and - just like George Raft in "each dawn I die" - demand to be let in!

Answer 19

I believe, old boy, that one is protected from prosecution for the following:

-Pillage and Murder (but not Rape)

-Arson

-Petty Larceny

-Blasphemy

-Speeding

-Possession of Class A and Class B substances

Though I don't have a law library to hand alas.  There may be more but without such an apendage I really wouldn't know...

Answer 20

Beating someone over the head with a cricket bat is perfectly legal in a bowler hat.

Answer 21

Bowler Hat and gin you say? My dear fellow you've hit the "cad" jackpot. Pretty much anything is immune in a court of law (including animals) You will just need to show evidence of interfering with the hired help when you made it back to your manor house and you are scot free.

Answer 22

You are only protected from spinning yarns old bean. Its the stocks for you-you Bounder.