Where does you adoption pain come from?

Question

Ok, so if you have been adopted at birth, never to know anything about you adoption at the time, then where does your "loss and pain" come from?

I have never suffered it.

Nice answers please.

Answer 1

That is a credit to your parents if you never suffered from the loss and pain that some get from being adopted. Where it comes from is not an easy thing to answer. I would just have to say the individuals life experience and how it was handled the individual and the persons that raised them. You know someone whose father walks out or mother, the may feel a loss. My Dad did but my step father filled the role so I never missed him but my brother on the other hand did. He was older. Sorry I can't give you a clear cut answer but this kind of pain is as individual as the person experiencing it

Answer 2

Some scientist think that there is trama to an infant being placed for adoption - even in situations that are pleasant - a wonderful hand off to loving parents. I tend to disagree with that.

However, adoption creates a family through loss. Whether or not it's felt by the child, it's definately felt by the first mother/father.

I was adopted as an infant and did feel adoption anxiety. Probably because there were 3 bio children born after I was adopted. I felt insecure as a child, once I found out what adoption ment. Afraid I wasn't going to be good enough, and would be sent away, since my family already had "their own" children.

I believe now that adoption is more open and accepted children will not feel that anxiety. Especially if it isn't treated like a deep dark secret but rather a joyous event that allowed two families to blend.

Answer 3

My loss and pain come from not knowing who my father is.  Its knowing that my father wanted me and we can't be reunited because of the archaic laws in place.  My loss and pain come from not being treated equally under the law.  The laws protect only the adoption industry and the state.  Both of which are very very culpable in their actions against those living adoption.

Answer 4

I was adopted at birth, never knew anything about bparents.  For me the unanswered questions created excruciating curiosity.  Being told I could not have answers, when they were mine, fostered in me a deep sense of discrimination and foul-play...even as a young child I identified these feelings and beliefs.  

Oh, but you want nice answers...how can you miss what you've never had?  That sort of nice answer?  As you yourself have oft responded to questions: bwaaaaaaaah!

Answer 5

The pain and sadness I felt was in not knowing what my life would have been like with my birth mother. As I got older, I became very acutely aware of how difficult her decision was and I felt a tremendous amount of grief for my birth mother having to make that decision.

Later, when we were reunited, I learned what my life would have been like, and it helped resolve that aspect - I know conclusively that my life has been substantially better than what she could have done at the time. But I still grieve for my mother and her choice (especially since I was not her only child to be adopted.)

Answer 6

Although I was adopted at 2 years old, not at birth, I'm going to give an answer anyway.  Everyone experiences things differently, and everybody has his/her own innate types of resiliencies.  We inherently come with some of this already built in too our cores.  

That said, I see it as very unthinking for anyone to judge how someone else experiences an event, particularly an ongoing event that follows a person.  

My ex-husband and I were in a terrible car accident once.  It was one of those ones where the police remarked that they were surprised to see any living bodies.  After this, he went into a short period of depression.  I did not.  However, I do not judge him as somehow "weak" or "wrong" for experiencing something that I didn't experience.  In fact, I didn't even see the need to know WHY he experienced it.  I just accepted that he did.  He, on the other hand, did not think there was something wrong with me for not experiencing a period of depression.  He accepted that this was my reaction and did not question me.  Even if some time had passed, and I started to have thoughts about the accident and began feeling depressed, he wouldn't have judged that as "weak" or "wrong" or somehow not "valid."  We accepted each others' reactions as-is and supported each other.

In relinquishment, obviously there is a physical loss.  How each person experiences relinquishment, or doesn't, is really none of anyone else's business to judge.  We are all made differently and should respect that in one another rather than try to question, ridicule, invalidate  or demand justification of each others' experiences.  The important thing is to be aware of the different types of reactions that can occur when a relinquishment has taken place.

Answer 7

from my family and how they think they are so much better then me. They are the b******s.