Where has this gone wrong?

Question

how do your earlobes feel

at the tip of my tongue,

your lashes against my fingertips

will my hair ruffle

against your chest

while we sing to the starlit skies

will there be a sweet scented candle

when i lose in your eyes

will the taste of your neck

linger in mouth

as i mutter inaudibles in sleep

will i make a sound

when your fingers play

a love note on my skin

will i let my inner firefly sparks

melt chains of imagination

will my afterglow shine bright

to match your flawless love

Answer 1

Geez poetry is always so subjective to what the writer is trying to accomplish but let me see what I would change if it were up to me:

the "the" in verse 2 seems to trip up the flow a bit, I would lose it.

In verse 3, did you mean to say "when I lose MYSELF?"

you might narrow down your imagery in verse 6 to "chains which bind imagination," or something like that. Adding two syllables there also seems to make the metre fit better between the two lines in that verse.

AH! just saw your additional info on it... the problem with the consistency is that you break out of your 3 line, 3line, 2 line pattern at the end and you end with an extra 2 line verse(stanza??? idk lol).  Maybe if you tried expanding that last verse into something like "will my afterglow - shine brighter still - to match your always flawless love" it would have more of the feel you want.

Best of Luck!

Answer 2

sometimes in seeking poetic perfection we flaw what it was meant to be

Answer 3

I don't understand the question. It seems fine to me, I have read it four times and I can only say I liked it immensely. What do you mean by  "Where has this gone wrong?"

Answer 4

how