Where is the happy medium?

Question

between aparents being able to learn from adult adoptees, and adult adoptees being able to educate in this forum?

Answer 1

Because it seems like all the adoptees in this forum are bitter for some reason or another.  Adoption is a lot different these days then it was 20-30 years ago. Most adoptions now are open adoptions and there are no secrets behind it and no shame like there was back then.  My son knows he is adopted and knows who is birthmother is.

Answer 2

For some, there is no "happy".  Or "medium".  And that's ok.  Even the most extreme, doom-and-gloomer on here has something to teach me.  And sometimes, the fluffy, perfect, bowl-of-cherries, cloud-9ers have something to teach me, too.

Answer 3

I am new here, but what is the purpose of thumbs down when someone states that mutual respect should be observed.

I am a grandma to an adopted granddaughter and I found this site, but I don't understand the undercurrent here at all.

I think that if the purpose is to learn from each other, and the tone is rude and condescending, then any learning deteriorates.

Answer 4

How do you come to a happy medium with people willing to buy children?

Possibly even stolen children?

I guess I just can't lower myself that far down... I am sorry I don't have a better happy medium answer... oh but hey I am not an adoptee... I was a reject 3 times...

No happy medium possible for my kind..

Answer 5

I'm not here to educate adoptive parents. Nor do i think they can teach me anything about the adoptee perspective. I do learn from them about the adoption process, the rules and regulations surrounding adoptions in this country and others, as well as infertility. I don't think a happy medium really exists when there are so many differing views. I think that more respect is possible and I've been trying to be straight to the point lately and letting the "bitter" comments like the ones above me go, but "happy" and adoption don't go hand in hand for me. It is what it is.

Answer 6

Mutual respect to all would be a start . . . If adult adoptees educate adoptive parents without insulting and adoptive parents learn and listen, but also are able to share their experiences as well and adult adoptees listen to the adoptive parents as well.  Interesting question.  JMO

EDIT:  Jennifer, well said . . . thanks for your thoughts.

Answer 7

I think the happy medium is respect BOTH ways.  Without respect that each person has their own journey and that we can all learn from each other, all we have is fighting.

Answer 8

i have learned quite a lot from adoptees.  but the ones i do learn from do not state answers or questions in a baiting or negative mannor.  i think most people are more likely to listen and really try to hear what you're saying if it's not so negative.

sadly i don't think there can be a happy medium for some.  i wish there could be more respect for one another on here though.  

especially from those who ask a question then state they can't learn from an answer.  what's the point of asking a question if you don't really want to "hear" the answers?

Answer 9

While I've gained a lot of knowledge and respect for the adoptee POV I still welcome and enjoy the interaction with everyone affected by adoption. Not just the adoptee. So the happy medium begins when everyone can appreciate and validate each others experience and not just their own.

ETA: and what I mean by everyone affected includes social workers and counselors.

Answer 10

I think a "happy medium" starts when questions are asked in a manner that isn't slanted or insulting and answers are given in a genuine fashion, without malice.  It's really about respect.  

You may think that when you go off on an adoptive parent as an adult adoptee you are educating them, when in fact you are being rude, judgemental and negative.  That isn't how people have a dialogue and become educated.  

Also, I suggest you reframe your question a little.  Instead of just adult adoptees educating adoptive parents, don't you think there is something that adult adoptees could learn from adoptive parents?

I can only speak for myself, but I came here to learn a little as well as share my experiences that may be of benefit to someone else.  I was completely shocked at the negativity toward adoptive parents from a few adult adoptees.  And judging by some of the same adult adoptees responses to some questions, there are some things they could stand to learn about the process.  

So I think it comes down to not just respect, but accepting that none of us are the end-all, know-all about adoption and all of us could stand to learn something as well as teach something.  If we could do that, as well as shelve some of the judgements of people and their choices about adoption, we might actually get somewhere.

Edit: jgf: I suppose that's case in point then.  So long as you feel that you know everything there is and can't learn from someone else, then you won't have your "happy medium."  Everyone can learn something from everyone else.  It's too bad that you can't understand that.

Wilmadee: Thanks muchly!