Which Poem Stanza Is Better?

Question

Well i decide to edit the beginning of one of my poems and was wondering which is better?

Original

Tragedy strikes and they still look past her

Never noticing the scars on her heart.

Cuts go unnoticed and bruises scatter on her skin.

She screams but no sound comes out.

Rewrite

Tragedy strikes and they look past her troubled state.

Scars lay upon her heart invisible to plain eye.

Bloodied wounds go unnoticed and bruises linger upon her flesh.

She screams but only silence is heard.

Answer 1

I love your second try.

The verse.....

*She screams but only silence is heard*.....

is fantastic the screams an silence are put together.

Congratulatios!

Do'nt stop. Keep going on. You have the talent for poetry.

Read this and tell me what you think:

Stanza

  



  Often rebuked, yet always back returning

To those first feelings that were born with me,

And leaving busy chase of wealth and learning

For idle dreams of things which cannot be:

Today, I will seek not the shadowy region;

Its unsustaining vastness waxes drear;

And visions rising, legion after legion,

Bring the unreal world too strangely near.

I'll walk, but not in old heroic traces,

And not in paths of high morality,

And not among the half-distingusihed faces,

The clouded forms of long-past history.

I'll walk where my own nature would be leading:

It vexes me to choose another guide:

Where the grey flocks in ferny glens are feeding;

Where the wild wind blows on the mountain side.

What have those lonely mountains worth revealing?

More glory and more grief than I can tell:

The earth that wakes one human heart to feeling

Can centre both the worlds of heaven and h**l.

Emily Jane Bronte

  

LIGHTBRIGHTFOREVER!