Which nationalities do you use?

Question

my husband is adopted. when i ask him if he knows what nationalities he is, he tells me he's what his adopted parents are. that's fine if he wants to say that, but now that we have 2 children, i wouldn't think we'd tell the kids that, would we? because it's really not what they are, because it's not in their blood. do we try to find out what his birth parents are? it's like an irish couple adopting a child from china and telling her that she's irish. everyone knows shes not, so i don't think i'd tell my kids they're something they're not. has anyone else dealt with this?

Answer 1

I did a DNA test with 'family tree DNA', which confirmed my Irish ancestry ( very different to my adoptive parents' ethnicity)  it meant alot to me to discover that at the ripe old age of 36!

If it is important to your children to know their heritage they could do the same, or if your husband is willing, he could to it too!  

Nobody should be in the dark as to where their roots lie - personally I find it fascinating and so do many others or geneology research wouldn't be such a HUGE hobby of many many people.

Best of luck

Answer 2

My brother is Czech by birth, and he is adopted. He was raised in a Italian-Spaniard home (our family.) That is what he says he is, and he honestly doesn't care about what his 'birth' heritage is. His wife is Ecuadorean, and they say that their children are Equataliards (they liked the whole mix the heritage names up and call it that lol) My niece knows that her daddy and I aren't blood brother and sister and are adopted, and to her it doesn't matter anyway.

Trust me, your husband will say what he is - what he was raised. That is who he is. Not what his biology is. Sure, your kids will find out at some point that dad is adopted, but that doesn't matter. As their mom they are what you are you know, and what your husband is. I don't know anyone who is adopted who really goes based upon their birth heritage especially if they were raised for numerous years with OTHER traditions. If your husband wants to find out, he'll have to do a parent search on his family and ask from there. Let him make that choice I suggest.

Answer 3

no dont push the subject with your husband if your kids ask what nationality.. you say.. american, canadian,british... WHEREEVER they were born and live.

Answer 4

I wouldn't push the issue on him...if he wants to embrace what his parents are...let him. When he is ready he will be able to search more into what his nationality is.   Tell your children what your ethnic background is & let them know that you & daddy aren't 100% sure what his background as he is adopted but has embraced his parents (their grandparents') culture & name whatever that may be.

It was hard for me because I had an asian first name & a german last name but American with white parents...even tho- I knew what nationality I was it didn't change the fact that I hated when people asked me "what are you?"...it made me want to ask them, "what the 'f are you" haha.  If they were genuinely interested I would tell them my birth nationality & if they seemed like they could really care less I would say "American" & leave it at that.

Answer 5

Yes.  I've dealt with it.  My grandfather handled it beautifully for me.  I have two birth children and two adopted children.  We were visiting my family and my grandfather was playing with the kids and one of the cousins said something about how strange it was that my grandfather was so tall and none of his height got passed down.  My adopted daughter told them that her Mom (me) said she was going to be tall.  Well, that started an avalanche of discussions about family trees, etc.  My daughter was heartbroken that she wasn't getting her height from her great grandfather.  He pulled her into his lap and had us bring him pen and paper.  He started drawing a big tree and was pointing to this branch and that branch and explaining who was represented by each branch.  Then he drew oranges all over the tree.  Then he added a branch a little lower than the rest and put two apples on it and said this is you and your sister's branch.  The tree with all of the oranges was very nice and full, but it only grew oranges.  Then you came along and became a part of the orange tree.  Your trunk grew and made the orange tree trunk stronger and healthier and your leaves sprouted and made the orange tree look thicker and greener, and then your apples grew and now our tree is better than all of the other orange trees in the world, because our orange tree grows apples, too.

So, I have to agree with your husband.  If he chooses to adopt the nationality of his adoptive parents, why push him to deal with something that he obviously dealt with years ago and let go of.  Your children know who their grandparents and their parents are.  I doubt they care to be any other nationality.  If it becomes an issue with them, there are DNA tests now that can determine that.  I guess your husband knows his birth parents were American and is satisfied with that.

If it really bothers you, talk to him about it and explain how you feel about it.  Maybe he can ask his parents what they know about the birth parents nationality.  Or ask them yourself.  They may know a lot and he simply never asked them.  Good luck.

Answer 6

I remember doing a family tree in school and using my mom and dad's nationality and never having a problem with it.  We even laughed about it at the time....

Now, I'm an American first...Texan second.

Answer 7

I'm going through that now.  My daughter was adopted from another country and of course she looks NOTHING like me!LOL! although it would be easier to use my nationality it would be completely confusing to the school system etc.. so I do use her correct nationality.

I'm in the midst of trying to explain it all to her, she kind of understands what I mean but she's only 7 so she'll get it eventually : )

Answer 8

I'm wondering why no one has suggested that you just tell your kids that their daddy was adopted?  That you just don't know what daddy's nationality is?  That's our plan.  My husband is not interested in his history, so we won't know it.

Answer 9

If there are medical concerns for your kids, because you don't your husband's nationalities, then I don't understand why he wouldn't want to find out more about where he comes from.  If there are no health issues, and it's a matter of having your kids have a better sense of who they are, honesty might be the only way to go.  Explaining what it means to be adopted, and that there are some things that their Dad just isn't going to know, so they won't know feels like the only answer.  Pressing someone to find their birth parents when they seem content not to know them feels like a huge issue that might do more harm to your relationship than good.

Answer 10

Why not stop the pretending and go find out?

It would be a good idea to find out about 50% of your children's medical history as well.

It's time.

Answer 11

You're right, it is important to try to find out your husbands heritage.  There are certain diseases that run in people of certain races, ethnicities and geographic regions.  It would be good to know if your husband descends from certain "high risk" groups in order for your children's doctor to know what to be alert to look for.  

This is the perhaps the strongest argument in favor of open adoption records.  Most adoptees from my era-the "baby scoop" era-haven't a clue where they come from.  It's changing some now with 'open adoptions', but as you can see, the ramifications from the past will pass on to the next generation.

Btw, genetic DNA tests only tell you about 1% of your genetic history.  They seem like a good idea, but as they stand right now, they're virtually useless.  

Make sure that you have gotten the extended Newborn Screening panel for your children.  It's required in most states now, but not all.  Check with you pediatrician to see which panel is used in your state/country and if it's not the full/extended panel, get your kids tested.  You may have to pay out of pocket, but it's worth it for your peace of mind.

Answer 12

If your husband isnt worrying about it as much as you are I would let it be. I havent dealt with this situation before but knowing people who are adopted it is a senstive subject to some. But if he would like to know as well, it wouldnt hurt to do some research. His adopted parents would most likely be a good source, i would confirm they are ok with it as well.

Answer 13

You are being a good mom. You see that your children will have needs, and you want to help them.

Your husband has to start thinking more like a dad. It doesn't matter what he wants for himself anymore: his children need to know their heritage. Does he really want them being subjected to extra medical tests for their entire lives just because the doctors don't know what to look for?

He may be afraid of opening up old wounds. He may be afraid of what he'll find out. I've learned from this forum that anything can happen when adoptees search for their roots. But it seems that knowing the truth is what is paramount.

He's got to do it for his children.

Answer 14

I tell everyone the truth.  I'm Irish and English.  If circumstances arise, I tell them I grew up in a Polish household because my aparents are Polish.  It never made logical sense to me to tell people I'm anything other than the truth.  When I didn't know, I just told people I didn't know.

Answer 15

Well if you husband does not want to find out I’m not sure what you can do about it. You can certainly call your children Honorary “Scottish, Germany”  etc.  Just tell them that Daddy feels no need to find out the nationalities of his geneticfamily, assuming they know he is adopted.  They should be told if they dont know. If they really want to know one day they can take an ancestral dna test.

Answer 16

My cousin was adopted from Laos into an American family and he tells everyone he is both nationalities.