Which of us is correctly mindset for marriage?

Question

My husband and I married suddenly, and without much precursor. We dated 4 months, lived together the whole 4 months (long story), and then got married. Neither of us ever really 'wanted' to get married, in that we figured that being bf/gf was a good enough arrangement, and never planned to get married to anyone, so when he asked me to, I thought it was to sweetest thing ever.

For the record I would like to state that I have a very firm desire to fix the issues we are having, not walk away. So if you are going to just say dump him please don't respond. Marriage is not something one should walk away from when it starts to be hard.

Issues are his mother, his inability to 'share', and his sudden lack of affection.

His mother is very nosey, and she hates me. As far as I know her basis for this is unfounded, she has no reason I did nothing to her that I know of. But she won't talk to me, ever, for any reason. EVEN if I talk to her. She will pretend I said nothing. Obviously I am uncomfortable around her. Which I feel is unfair to my hubby, whom is fond of her, but because of her behaviour I am distant, and avoid them like the plague. We could see her a lot more often, but seeing her means I get to stay behind or feel unwanted if I go. So I don't even TRY to arrange such. I feel bad, but I also feel its her own doing.

If it were limited to this, it would be one thing, but she is now calling constantly, instilling distrust and problems in the relationship. My husband when she calls seems withdrawn, talking low, as if he is trying to hide the conversations, and it is irritating me. When my parents call he is more then happy to quip in to our conversations, and I have gotten my mother out of the habit of bitching about his shortcomings, I told her directly to quit, it wasn't what I needed to hear. They enjoy a fairly good relantionship, he won't call her to just talk or anything, but he COULD if he wanted she would happily talk to him, and when we do talk (me and my mom) he can easily make little remarks in the conversation or contribute and we both acknowledge it.

His mother does not. When he talks to her I cannot quip in, he shies away from me, or completely blots me out. I have no relantionship with the woman and he hasn't helped. She likes to put me down, she likes to accuse me anytime something is wrong. He has not told her we are married because she might disapprove.

It has gotten to the point I feel I married his mother. He has instilled her into our finances as well, but we will get to that later. She is calling now several times a day. He won't tell her to stop being rude to me, he won't stick up for me. He says that she's his mother he can't do that. But he does take the opinions of others to heart so I am hoping when he reads the responses to this he will see that he is not the only one with a controlling mother that needs to be asked to quit.

I feel that she is doing it because he isn't saying not to. She thinks its fine with him for her to say it. And she's really hurting our marriage and my feelings. I think he would do good to mention the positive things I bring to his life. For instance I sent her flowers for mothers day in his name because he couldn't at the time, but he took full credit and never mentioned it was my idea. He likes to take credit for everything, I also was the reason our AC got fixed, but even when I am the DIRECT REASON for a positive event, when he tells it to her or his friends HE DID IT, and I am not mentioned. He seems to be more interested in avoiding me as a subject, or stating his misgivings about me. He never comes to me with issues, he always goes to her or other friends, its like he really doesn't trust me which seems to be the root of it.

He will not share our bank information, period end of story. He wants no part of shared accounts, and he is freaked but the simple fact everything we own is now 50/50 due to marriage. It doesn't bother me, it doesn't bother me he is indebt, I have no issue paying it off, the only one it bothers is him. And that is starting to drive me nuts... why?

Because MOTHER has access to his bank account, he even went so far as to need to change his account info at one point due to some issues, and he gave her all the info but not me. He has her do anything with his bank account but will not turn to me. He puts all his financial decisions thru her before doing them, but most of the time doesn't discuss them with me. I discuss all money decisions with him.

I feel like he is chosing his mother over me, at one point he even said its hard to be in a relationship with me because she doesn't like me. Which I think if love is there, shouldn't really mean anything. He should tell her to keep the opinion to herself and butt out of our personal lives. I am not asking him not to talk to her, but not about our money or about how bad of a person I am. I am not a bad person, but he makes me feel that wa

Answer 1

"Issues are his mother, his inability to 'share', and his sudden lack of affection."

Sounds like you are putting all the blame on him.

Answer 2

Girl, time to burst mama's bubble yourself.  If she wants to talk crazy, let her know  you are married to her son and you do not disrespect her and you will no longer tolerate her disrespect  of you.  If he can't share information about things with you then who can he share them with and trust, other than his momma.  Well, h**l let her help him out of debt.  You have the right idea about marriage the ideal way it is supposed to be, talk to him about seeing a marriage counselor.  If he is unwilling to work on it too then its useless.  I wish you all the luck in the world because he sounds like he's in a real pickle.  tell me is he an only child or just the only boy?

Answer 3

Four different times in the Bible, we read, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife."  Whether or not you are Christians, it is commonly accepted that two who marry make each other first priority and that parents need to take a back seat.

He does not want to do that, it seems.  

The answer to your basic question is that you have the better mindset for marriage, but that answer does not really help you.

Please share your commitment to this marriage with him [you likely have already] and your need to be first in his life.  Explain that his love for his mother does not need to decrease, just his dependence on her.  You may need to have that conversation in a counselor or pastor's office.

God bless you both.

Answer 4

As many of the problems that you see as related to the mother are in fact just one thing - the fact that your husband CHOOSES consistently to turn to her, rather than you, to request her permission and or advice, to make her a part of his life, even allowing her part of the financial decision making. My guess she feels that her right as her money is involved here too. And he's doing all this, while DELIBERATELY cutting you out of it. That has been his choice.

You failed to elaborate on why you moved in as soon as you met, or why you would have gotten married when neither of you had really been that convinced that it was what either of you wanted. My feeling is that he is well regretting that move, and using his mother as an excuse to create distance between the two of you, perhaps hoping that you will call it quits so he doesn't have to. Very immature of him, but my guess is that you are older than him, in experience if not in years. Am I right?

I guess he's told Mum that you are a predatory woman who "tricked" him, and that's why she's trying to protect "her little boy".

I doubt that he will change in a hurry, or become the man you hoped he would be. What you have to ask yourself is this worth the work? Will you be able to live with this if he doesn't change? What are you getting out of this relationship with someone who doesn't seem to really want you?

If there is hope, then get the pair of you into some couple's counseling to help you deal with the issues at hand. Or risk the marriage altogether.  

Answer 5

YOU cannot fix those problems. No way. The TWO OF YOU can, IF he wants it to happen. You're the other woman in this three-way with his mother. How to get him to want to fix things? You can't. All you can do is settle for yourself what you will do if nothing is going to change. Then you know what to tell him will happen if he doesn't get on board and join you in some serious counseling, more likely something heavier. You go, anyway. It will help you decide. You're right. You don't walk away when it gets hard. But what will you do when it promises to stay hard? So, you're first work will be on yourself and then an attempt to involve him. Think about what's the greater failure. Writing off a toxic marriage if he won't join you, or spending your life in a soul draining toxic dump?