Which poem would you prefer?

Question

I wrote these both just now. All my topics are gloomy because when I write about something happy is sounds too childish. They're pretty much the same. The first is rougher and it doesn't rhyme. It was the first copy. I then decided to rhyme it so it was changed slightly.

First:

your heart was torn

the love no more

you stay secluded for a while

you think it will just go away

your position: lying

your discomfort: truth

it all seems ironic

yet your discomfort hits again

the book you hold is of course a romance

you ponder on the decision of reading or not

if you read you will be filled with similar thoughts of others

if you don't you will be left with your own thoughts, they're worse

in consciousness the book seems just like your life

you start to believe it's a joke

this is all humor to you

your laugh is high pitched

it is all silenced after a moment

you come back to reality

back to your dreaded book

back to your position

back to your discomfort

back to your life-long journey

Answer 1

In the second poem you lost content at the expense of action. I could feel the person in the first one because you were calm and in control; but in the second one you seemed intense, maybe even lashing out.   Stay with who you are, keep the first. I KNOW that's you, because when you are calm you are in control.

... 8 claps and a well done., oh and I stood up too.

Answer 2

I like the second one better. In the middle part you use better adjectives and are more descriptive. Both are good though...

Answer 3

In the second one, you seem to be forcing the rhymes a little too much. like the "Down-file" line... It just doesnt make sense.