Which version of my poem do you like better & why?

Question

I feel like i'm losing grip,

This mess i'm in is what i asked for.

I'm standing here broken, i asked for this.

I want you gone, but still i want more.

I want you to hate yourself for this.

I want her to hate you for this.

But i admit i still want you here.

I'll always love you as much as an old coffee mug.

a mug with the name of a place we visited once, long ago

why do we hold our memories in a fragile glass mug?

OR

clever little boy, you steal my grip on everything.

this is a self-induced mess,

just another broken girl who had it coming.

leave, but make sure you come back.

hate yourself for this,

she sure will, just like I do.

I want you to feel it,

but don’t let me hear you walk towards the door.

to me, you mean about as much as an old coffee mug.

with a name of a place we visited once, long ago.

we held our memories in a fragile glass mug,

and you dropped it on the kitchen floor.

the only evidence left are the pieces of glass in my feet.

which & why

Answer 1

The second one is a lot better.  The first one has a monotonous rhythm which makes it sound whiney, and it tends to harangue the reader.  The second one has a variable rhythm with good pauses for breath.  

The second poem is more subtle, and allows the reader to keep discovering the metaphor of the broken mug in different ways. It's still plenty emotional, but there's some detachment too - and I think this is necessary, in order to write a good poem.  

The only line I prefer in the first poem is "This mess I'm in is what I asked for."  I'd change it to, "This mess is what I asked for." But it's more poignant than "This is a self-induced mess."

Answer 2

The 1st because it well.....it expresses more feeling and better feeling the 2nd one is good also

Answer 3

The third version--not yet written--ought to synthesize the parts of these two to make the coherent whole.  Both versions shown have some good lines, or show workmanlike technique, but neither is very good, in my view, mainly for narrative lacks and lack of (what I call) 'sympathetic hooks'.

The first has a slightly clearer set of hints of that (undisclosed) history that leads to the 'instant of speech' each poem wants to be.  The second has nice figures in its first and last lines.  Both are kinda jerky, disjointed, when read aloud.  They may be in 'authentic voice,'  but that voice is a little too drab, a little too ordinary, and just a little too sure that the reader must be sympathetic with the woman left behind.

Forced to choose between the two, I'd have to go with the first, as it satisfies more nearly my preference for a human story over a summary account of feelings.

Answer 4

I did not like either.

Lighten up

Write something funny.

I lie broken shattered by your treachery

I feel so worthless knowing you are with her.

I dont know if I can  bear to llive without you

I smile about the time bomb your sock drawer.

I guess I'll give it a try.

Answer 5

This one

the only evidence left are the pieces of glass in my feet.

It's not that hard to retrieve.Evidence is evidence.

Answer 6

i think i like the second one.

the first one just randomly talks about a mug at the very end, but the second one intros it a little earlier.

Answer 7

the first one: i like how its easy to relate to, and the ending is something we all can understand.

the second one; shows more feeling from you. the last sentence shows the only evidence is the pain you suffer from, and no one else can relate to it.

i like the second one better, more powerful.

Answer 8

I personally prefer the second one. It has more insight and it has very clever word choice. On the other hand the first one is almost too simple and sorta ramdomly adds the mugg at the end.... but you did a great job!