While outside riding my bike, my anger , rage surfaced again regrettably, how do i handle i let myself down ?

Question

just to fill you in, heres the background of my life & what ive been through so far :

ive live all my life in pure misery, suffered catalogue and catalogue of bad events and trauma.....severe bullying and abuse over a long time....physical attacks......head injuries......time in a psychiatric hospital because of a breakdown........and i said thing to psychiatrist that sounded bad to scare them so i would get help.......so they sent me to a psyche hospital......i spent 18 months in there.

suffered bad epidodes of rage attacks in public due to pent up anger all the years i was bullied.....id lash out.......lose it in public.....cause myself public embarressment and humiliation......get attacked off strangers.....get laughed at......back then virtuakky everyone in society was ostracising me and rejecting me......i think because of my behaviour..

im 30 years old now.....and live alone in a one bedroom flat on disability......i dont have much....except an old computer......no carpets on floor etc.

throughout my life ive always suffered ' extreme ' low self worth i think because of what i went through.......i get to clingy...to attached to obsessive with people.....and coupled with my mood swings its always caused me to be rejected...........im very self absorbed...very inward looking.....get very angry if someone rejects me and take out bad moods on them or feel the urge to slag them off verbally if they reject me..

because of this, ive never built up any relationships at all.......i deeply fear rejection....so im scared to try to talk to people..

i have nothing and no one.....i get deeply lonely at night......i feel very insecure about my future.......i feel i have nothing to offer anyone.

i have no qualifications....never studied...missed out on schooling, because of bullying.

never been employed..

i have an injured ankle....torn ankle ligaments......waiting to hear about treatment....have to watch how i walk..

have a crooked little finger due to an injury years ago......2 missing teeth at the front because of an accident...bottom row.

the only positive thing is that im waiting for psychotherapy, right now.

alot of people are still aloof, abrupt, stand offish towards me........like im being socially excluded almost.

i feel because of my past that im labelled and theres a stigma that follows me around.....although i cant proove it.

i dont no how to deal with people who are aloof, abrupt and condescending and rejecting of me.....accept to feel aggressive towards them....but i control it.

i spend each and every day isolated and lonely, i stay in all the time due to ptsd and bad anxiety...also because of intense rage feelings.

i was diagnosed with BPD and ptsd before xmas.

i have no one except my aging ill mother......who cant do much for me no more....and a good internet friend ive known for 2 years in americas whos been very good to me....i can tell her anything and she always tries to help...and has never judged or rejected me.

my only goals in life once im ok, is to leave the united kingdom for good, emigrate with a ok paying job to somewhere quiet and coastal.

Answer 1

Whatever vibe you give out, you will get back from people... like, if you feeling angry, people will sense the anger and act weird, distant or aggressive to you. The best thing to do is think of positive things and you will get a positive response. Look up the film "The Secret". This film has all you need to know to transform your life ... all you need is to believe. Hope things work out for you. ... remember - POSITIVE THINKING!!!

Answer 2

Hi, what's wrong with being angry when people laugh at you? What's wrong with shouting at people who make a horrible comment at you?

If you look silly in public, you maybe feel embarrassed - I know I do, even hurt that someone would laugh at you. Your reaction, like most of us is to repsond, either to defend yourself or get your own back somehow - ie shout back in an angry way.

Don't beat yourself up about that - that's normal - It feels like you are uncomfortable with feelings of anger, probably for good reason. BUT you didn't let yourself down.

Your bike's a good idea, go for it, if people laugh, then F*** em  - go for it.

Do you find when you glare at people in anger you are watching for their reaction back at you?

Just another thing - if you approach people in an unfriendly manner, say a little angry, or aloof, or depressed, whatever, they will respond the same way - they will mirror you. Changing that takes time, support and belief - you CAN do it. Try approaching someone in a slightly friendly way - it won't work the first time ( well it might!), you will feel rejected, and guess what - angry again  - but try it again, try to keep an eye on how you feel, you will find people begin to respond differently. It is a long long road to travel, try it.

Hope I havn't been too direct with you.....let me know how you go on

Answer 3

Don't worry, it's only gonna take me a day to finish reading, I promise you I'll answer. In the meantime try not to smash your screen out of anger.