Who's being selfish,me or my fiance?

Question

My fiance goes out once a week to play softball with his friends and cousins while i stay at home with our 8month old son, he also finds time to go play poker once and a while too. Now that softball is over he's going to start a fall league for golf with one of his buddies. I really never go anywhere unless I take our son with me. I've gone out like 3 or 4 times since my son was born, i feel like i can't find time for anything. I try to make plans for us to do thing as a family when I have a day off of work but it always falls through! My fiance acts like he gets to do nothing,it just makes me mad when he tells me i don't want him to have a life! I just don't know what to do anymore! I feel so stressed. Sometimes i really feel like I'm wasting my life away being unhappy!

Answer 1

He is selfish, but you are letting him get away with it. Your not married, so even though you have a baby together, he lets you do all of the work. Either get married soon or get on with your life with out him. And if you two do get married I really don't think he'll change that much. He isn't committed to you or your son.

Answer 2

Not really a matter of selfishness, just the consequences of your situation.

He's single, so he's free to do as he pleases.

You are the mom, you make the sacrifices in this situation, I suppose. He was your choice to be the dad of your baby...

Answer 3

Oh you sound very like me and my fiance. He plays hockey at least once or twice a week. I even make my work schedule around that so I can be home with the baby. He constantly just goes to his buddies house for an hour or two. Goes fishing. Whatever. While me? I watch me daughter...alot. I guess in our society it just "falls" on the mom to take care of the child. I've talked to him, and it gets better, and then it fades again. I don't think it is anything he purposely does, he just needs a reminder that he needs to daddy too. No, you are not being selfish. Just tell him, if he gets one night a week, so do you. And you need to stick with it. Do not let him weezle out of it. Even if you do not have a league, just go to the library and sit by yourself...just so he gets used to having the baby once a week. Slowly he will start appreciating you more. Good luck. And don't worry. It will get better. And once you two marry, he may feel more like a "family man" than a single guy.  

Answer 4

i understand him wanting to spend time with his friends but make him understand you want that too and if he can then you should too take turns with the kid you cant be left with all the responsibility its his son as well. or make more fam. trips that won't fall apart :]

Answer 5

obviously you.

Answer 6

Well, yeah, he is being kinda selfish.

Maybe you should sit down and talk to him and be honest.

Answer 7

I would plan a certain day every week to go out with friends/co workers..where he can stay at home.  That's what I did.  What you gotta realise is that if you put up with him going out all the time, then he will do it.  If he has a problem with you doing that, then he can quit his activities.

Answer 8

Ok I SO don't agree with Lydia. He IS being selfish. He has to realize that he has responsibilities as a dad just as you do as a mom. If he doesn't want to own up to those responsibilities, then you should take him to court for child support. Since you aren't married yet, he's required to pay it. That will open his eyes that you are serious. He doesn't get to go play around all day and not take care of his child. You deserve a break too. My fiancé isn't even my kid's real dad and he still watches them for me sometimes to go do things I want to do. If he really loves you enough to marry you, this shouldn't be a big issue for you two. I would suggest some counseling. If he's unwilling to see your side, it may be time to find another fiancé.  

Answer 9

So your fiance goes out 1 day a week (at least).  Maybe it's time you joined a group 1 time a week.  If you have a standing appointment (like his soft ball or golf), it'll become part of the routine and he'll get used to being home.  Try looking into a mom's club, or a book club at your library, etc.  Sounds like it's time to make a change.

Answer 10

Welcome to motherhood. Sorry, however within our society it is the care of the children often falls upon the mother and her life will never be the same. That is why it is so important to discuss these things before the child is conceived... Now, it is a matter of compromise, not who is right or wrong, but compromise... So everyone is happy. So, try to have a conversation with your husband in a calm manner and explain that you need time to yourself w/o baby to hang out and perhaps he can compromise and give you sometime as well. Good luck! It really is not a matter of who is selfish and who is not. That argument is only going to cause a bigger fight. You simply need to come up with a good solution to the problem. You getting to spend some time out w/o baby...  

Answer 11

There needs to be balance. Talk to him about it. The child is yours and his, and you deserve a life outside the home as much as he does. If he wants to bring up "you don't want him to have a life" as him what softball, golf, and poker are...and you do what (for fun) outside the home?

Yes, the situation as you've described it, is selfish. Find something you want to do, that doesn't conflict with his golf league, and tell him that on "this" and "that" evening (or whatever it is) you are going to be doing your thing and he can watch the child. Then he can have his golf times, and there should also be some couple time and family time mixed in there too. It's not all about him doing what he wants, and you staying home and raising the kid. His sperm helped create it, he can spend some time with his son while you unwind and spend some adult time away from the baby once in a while.

Stand up for yourself. Don't accuse, and don't fight...but make it clear that you are every bit as entitled do have outside interests and activities as he is and you're ready to start doing it. Your life is every bit as important as his.

Answer 12

Both people in a couple need to maintain their own interests and some of their own friends.  He's not being selfish UNLESS you are not permitted to do the same.  

Plan a night out with girlfriends every week or every couple weeks.  While you are out, he can have some bonding time with Baby.

Answer 13

You are wasting  your life as you say.

Havent you any girlfriends that you can get together with ? I would not stay at home constantly while my man plays ball with his buddies.

This will only lead to discontentment and arguments, tell him that you intend to g out with your gf's from time to time and he needs to baby sit for you.

Then make sure he sits down and has some quality time with you and your son.

Men tend to get away with things and then take advantage, dont let this happen to you.