Who's fault when you're a problem child. You or your mother?

Question

From as long as I can remember, probably from the age 10 or so, I was becoming a problem child. I'm 25 right now and looking back, it seems as though the problem is not with me, but with my family.

As I reflect in the past of all my wrong doings and try to reason with my self on why my mom did what she did. I tend to notice that sometimes, the problem is not with me, but with her.

I've been a problem child most of my teenage years, but since I moved out, I am no longer a problem to society.

My question to all mothers, please dig deep inside and judge without bias. Who is to blame, the child for not willing to conform or the mother who knows not how to raise a child.

Answer 1

You.  Your parents may have made bad choices and were not good role models, however, the way you chose to react to that was entirely up to you.

Answer 2

By age 10 a child knows right from wrong and what is expected within society. You need to take responsibility for your own choices and actions. Your mother may have been the worst parent in the world but you still made the choices to be a problem child. A parent is not the soul influence on a child's life and actions. Teachers, peers and other relatives also model behavior and teach children how to act. Most 10 yr olds also have a rudimentary knowledge of what legal and illegal. If you didnt follow those teachings that is your own failing. You can't blame all of society for how you acted. The fact that your 25 and no longer a problem child may be simply due to maturity.  

Answer 3

I've got the flip side to your question.  My daughter thought I was the most evil Mom on earth.  There was never peace in our home.  I always thought the problem was her lack of obedience to the very minor house rules.  We thought our rules were minor, only one chore to be completed by bedtime, do your homework, keep your room relatively tidy (which meant no old food under the bed, clothes in a hamper instead of draped across the curtain rods - you get the picture), pretty basic stuff.  Anyhow, she refused to comply with any and every rule.  

You are now out of the house and having no problems.  WHY?  Because the only standards you have to meet are your own.  Did your Mom go about things wrong? Probably....we all do.  When you are a parent you will see it's not black and white.  It's an amazing thing to try to get another person to obey the house rules and cooperate with you.  If they don't want to, you have two choices....ignore it or enforce it.  Sometimes, enforcing it becomes a battlefield.  Ignoring it in the long run is a really bad mistake.  But so is a battlefield.  SO what's the answer?  To know that the relationship is more important than any rule, any chore, any one thing.  

Your relationship with your Mom broke down long before "you" became a problem child.  Where your Mom (and I) went wrong was placing more importance on the business of life....do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that....instead of just LOVING and ACCEPTING our children for who they CHOOSE to be.  

My daughter and I now have a relationship.  Unfortunately, in her desire to do everything opposite of what I said, she has ruined her life.  She said so herself.  She chose to marry the worst guy possible, have three kids that she was not ready for and has no education.  She told me the other day on the phone, she is now 25, "Mom, I get it now what you were wanting.  You just wanted me to want the best and not settle for the easiest."  

Maybe if you TALK with your Mom, you'll find out that her goal was for you to have the best life could offer you and her way of guiding you there got lost in the battlefield.  None of us know how to raise a child because every child is different.  Just like you will not know how to meet every one of your girlfriend/wife's needs because every woman is different.....communication, love and acceptance are the key.  I wish I hadn't lost that on the battlefield....bet your Mom wishes it too.  That love and acceptance must come from both sides though.....Love covers a multitude of sins. (yours and hers)

Answer 4

I am so with ya on this one.We must have the same type Mother, don't get me wrong I love my Mom and she is dying rite now and its taken me yrs to understand her. And thats where its at is understanding her. Having kids we all fly by the seat of our pants. Its one day at a time.There is no book on how to raise your own child, you just pray and do your best.

Being 54 now and you 25 you will see as you get older and have kids you are who you are right now. You just age in body. Your mind is and always will be young the way you feel now, you are who you are.Just like your Mom. People  say I never grew up. Not sure how to act  54! How is that to be? Shall I dress in long pants and not be proud I have great natural legs and don't work out to get them the way they are. No make up be frumpy for my husband.  I have hair that doesn't have to be colored maybe beacuse I have been a bch person all my life, luck maybe. I own a  F150 4 X4 exhaust kit..I love it. I got it 6 yrs ago and at that time my Dad (R I P)said when are you going to act your age.

Why do parents have to be old and act like they have one foot in the grave when ..we don't want to be responsible, we don't like getting old and havinghighblood pressure,bad cholesterol.

My Mom is 81, and came from a hard era. She is selfish ,rude,speaks even though its like getting stabbed in the heart when she says stupid ****,.and  trys to cause fights with us girls,she has told me she has been jealous of my height 5' 10" and she is 5'3" and jealous of my hair and legs! She has no friends except her hospital volunteers she has worked with one day a week for 30 yrs they go to lunch on Fridays and thats that. She has my sister who is her clone who lives by her and always has and I see my sister act like my Mother to her 6 yr old. I hate it.

I guess what I am saying she has always been the person you see and now. She has always acted like this and will never change. I have said before, we are all individuals and just because we are from the same family it doesn't mean we have to like each other with all our  different personalities. My younger sis has said some mean sh-t to me like' if you go to see our older sis when I go , you'll ruin my time'...Or her and her family are on vacation for 3 days..20 minutes from my house, did she accept my calls,NO. Did she come by the house,NO.

So see we all are different and if I had to work in the same place as her or met her on the street, we would NOT be friends. Yet she calls me at 1am crying ..and needs to talk. I will always be there for my family and her. I just refuse to be mistreated and talked down to at my age. And my sister knows she messed up or like my husband says and he is probably right, she hasn't a clue she is mean.

I have done the opposite of raising my kids, we all say I love you even if its accross a crowed mall in a quiet library, we say what my parents rarley said to us.

I LOVE YOU!

All my issues vanished when I got away from the family at 22  and it was the best thing I ever did.

Your Ok trust me..you will see a big part of you , will never grow up and get old  in you r mind and you will act today and tomorrow and in the future the same as you are now.

Your Mom came from a bad home life with no affection?

Answer 5

i really believe in 90% of those cases its the parents fault, i was a disturbed child because my mom verbally abused me and she didnt care!

i definately get where your coming from because im also 25 ndam going thru the same thing with my family, from the outside people always judge me because i dont contact them and stay away from their drama but people who knows me know its my up bringing .

for example, i told my mom that i had been molested and she didnt care the guy who molested me still came around to do work around the house and to make it worst he was my cousin, my grandmother didnt believe me even though i had found out later that he had been convicted for rapeing his own daughter and sister and has a baby with his sister, he has a high profile job too!

Answer 6

It's not both, It's strickly your parents' fault.  I used to be a spoiled lil a**hole, get into fights and respect no one, i was living w/my grandma at the time,(due to family issues) i was like five or six at the time. My mother later took me away from my grandmother.  My parents were strick as h**l, i straighten up right away..... i would've continue to be a problem if i would've stayed w/my grandmother..... it's up to the parent on how to raise a child.

Answer 7

Its both..

You for not understanding your parents

Them for not understanding you.

Compermise?!?

It can be both,you are your own person. No one else can make you who you are.

Answer 8

When I was 17 I had this sort of moment of clarity, to understate the emotions involved.  I realised that my mother was just a baby who grew up and had babies and didn't know what the h**l she was doing - nor was she in control of most of the things that happened to her and us as a family.  Before this I was so extremely angry with her it was almost boiling into hatred.  Anyway, I wept, literally, for a girl not much older than I was then having to face the cruelty and hardships she did - and I wanted to love her so completely and protect her from so much.  I've fought with my mum after this of course, sometimes really badly, but it was a genuine moment that changed my life and relationship with her.  From then I was free to stop blaming and reacting, not be controlled by such a vulnerible person, but also cherish her vulneribility.  Hopefully you can forgive your mum too but I get that you found a new perspective that frees your mind and yeah, it's a great feeling isn't it?  Btw, she apologized to me about a month ago for how we grew up, lol, I'm 34.. so yeah, it took a while, so long that I didn't even want an apology anymore and am just glad to have her!  

Answer 9

No idea - perhaps a mixture of the two.

Sometimes the fault does not lie solely with just one person.

Answer 10

I tend to feel it could be a combination of both. . Not always but in some cases.

Answer 11

I think both are at fault... I've searched this within my own self and found that even though i had a dysfuctional family ie: an abusive brother and a tired single mom of 3... i have to take responsibilty for my own actions. For example my husband grew up abused by his mother and father but he got treatment for his depression (when he turned 18) and stopped the violent circle we have 4 kids and he is a loving caring father to them all. I on the other hand wasnt abused physicaly but i was emotionally. So i had to stop and say my mom could have done more but its in the past whats done is done sooo now i cant blame her for my actions now or back then i have my own mind n heart i know whats right and whats wrong and thats not something anyone can teach you that something that you feel inside sooo i think its a lil of both but the blame is more on the child you have your own thoughts and sense of the right thing

Answer 12

it would be a conbination of both you did what your mum said not to cos thats what boys do but also if you knew you were a problem maybe you should of got helpfroma teacher or social worker your older now and if you have kids one day remember that you blamed your mum and if your kids blame you then you cant be biest  

Answer 13

lol..thz god i never hv been a problem child...

so i dk ...sorry...cant help you

usually problem child are those who drunk, who do illege things,who do drug, who back home very late, or those who drop their school without any good reason... ahaha, so you maid need to ask those ppl..lol..

Answer 14

Just to comment on your additional detail.   You were no longer a problem to yourself or society after moving out but you had to work to pay bills.   If you did something illegal then you could go to jail, would lose your job and your home.   Too much was at stake when you make bad choices as an adult.    As a juvenile, your parents help clean up some of your "mess" when you s***w up.    You also matured a lot too.   Adolescents have a brain that's still developing and sometimes act without thinking ahead to the consequences.   I think that's part of it too.

My own mom was a single mom to 6 kids.    My dad was in bad health and he couldn't work to pay child support.  I grew up with a mom who worked all the time.    My older brothers were awful.   They were too violent but they really grew up when they reached about age 20 or so.   I felt like my mom could have done more for them but she wasn't home enough.   When she was home, she was very tired.    I don't fault her anymore.   It was so many years ago (we are all in our 40s and 50s now and my mom is 83).    She worked too much so we wouldn't lose our house to foreclosure.    If she was around more then I think she could've done more to straighten out her kids.      I don't think I could blame her for not being around enough because we would have lost everything if she didn't make enough money.    It was what it was and I blame nobody.