Who's information is it?

Question

Gershom, come on up to Oregon. You'll like it up here! :-)

Answer 1

The information is the adoptees, you are correct

Equal access for adoptees in Oregon did not happen by chance, the law changed due to the hard work of Adult Adoptee Helen Hill and her fellow Adoptees.  See:

http://www.b******s.org/bookstore/adopti...

Adoptees are working hard to reinstate their rights nationwide, but it is like swimming against the tide with lethargy from people who believe in Adoptee Rights, although won't lift a finger to effect change.  And opposers like the Adoption Industry, particularly the NCFA who purport to speak for Birthmothers whilst quite clearly protecting their own best-interests, their money making agency members

Please help Adoptees become equal citizens under the law and write legislators to effect overdue changes to adoption laws

Answer 2

I don't think there is a right or wrong, here.  What I do think is there is a grey area when talking about "when they get it" and "how they get it".

I absolutely agree that it is the child's information and should have access to all of it, but as the parent, if there are issues such as rape, incest, etc. then we need to address it in age appropriate language, and also at what age (maturity) is appropriate for them to understand these issues.

If my child asks me my opinion I won't lie but I will expect them to make up their own mind about what that information means to them.

ETA:  I don't feel entitled to own my childs information, but I do feel entitled to know all of it to make sure they have all of it.   I don't think we should be complacent about their information either, we should be requesting regular updates from the agencies or lawyers.

As parents we should be fighting to get our children all of their information.

Answer 3

Hi Gaia,

You are going to make an awesome mother!

I share your belief that an adoptee's information is his/her own.  I also believe that is true not just for adoptees, but for all citizens.  Whatever everyone else has, adoptees are entitled to as well.  Sure, some information may have to be presented in child-friendly ways or saved until they are a little older.  Certainly by the time the adoptee is an adult they should have knowledge or access to full information.  

I like to think of it as adoptive parents being trustees of the adoptee's information.  Adoptees can make up their own minds as to the subjective value of it to them.  Adoptees appreciate objective honesty far more than all the good intentions of a lie or of omissions.

Thank you Gaia!

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 4

I don't know naything about yesterday and agree with you.

Why shouldn't they. There's all these celebritys addopting kids now to get mdeia attention. I think that's wrong.

If I let my kids go for adoption they are still my kids just with a carer looking after them.

Well said

Answer 5

You're right! about the information. My state ( california ) says that the adoptive parents have a right to the adoptees information, but not the adoptee,  nor the surrendering parent. We're not considered parties in the adoption.

My states all backwards. They never think of their children. My amom is a teacher, and since the 2.5 million in public school cuts from good old Swarzneagar ( however the h**l you spell it) our 3 public elementary schools in the valley, now have to merge into one. They don't even have enough money for things like toilet paper now. All teachers who've been teaching less than 13 years are at risk of being fired. But what was Bushes 12 year budget for his last year in office? over 3 trillion dollars. Its amazing where our countries priorities are. But don't even get me started on that.

I missed your flip out yesterday, wasn't on Yahoo, but we all have our days and I've been guilty of flipping out on y!a quite a few times. No biggy. Todays a new day :)

Very cool that you're in oregon. The man who's helping with the protest was a big part of measure 58 which is the bill in oregon that got adoptees their rights restored.

Answer 6

I think the child should, absolutely, have all medical information that his/her parent knows--history of heart disease, parents' allergies and health conditions, etc.  I think that should be a given.  

I do think that the parents' names should be kept private unless the parent wants otherwise.  I think one of the best systems I've seen is an establishment that cared for pregnant teens during their last months of pregnancy and then helped them through the adoption process.  The teens hand-picked their children's parents.  Many of the biological moms retained contact with their children--the adopted parents made scrapbooks with photos of the biological moms and showed them to the kids on a regular basis.  The kids seemed very well-adjusted and comfortable with their situation.  They understood what was going on and felt secure in a loving situation.

But I can imagine a scenario where a pregnant woman might be emotionally/mentally unavailable.  That's a hard fact, but in those cases the children might be better off being protected from contact with and details about the mother until they're 18 and can make their own decisions.  The mother may just not be able to handle the thought of going through all that and might want to request not to be contacted.  Later, when she's in a better place mentally and emotionally, she can release her contact information.  It would be traumatic for a child to meet a biological mother who was schizophrenic and have to deal with the reality of that past, for instance.  

My cousin is adopted because her mother could not have children, and I never think of her as being adopted.  She's bright and a great kid.  She doesn't have contact with her birth mother, but she is aware that she's adopted.  I think the birth mother was young and unmarried and wasn't ready to raise a child.  I think that ideally, the process of adoption should establish a child within a new family to the point that the family feels biological.  That might be more possible in some situations and for some children than for others.

Answer 7

Darn it I miss everything. As far as your question goes, you would think it would be available to the adoptee but it's not. You sound like a good PAP and I think if you get the chance you will get your hands on as much info as you can for your child. The ball seems to be in the AP's court as far as that goes.  Your not wrong. I think it is wrong to slam someones parent no matter how much or how little invonvement they have in a childs life. It's still their parent and it's damaging to the child.

Answer 8

the assumed owership of other people doesn't sit well with me.  hence, i totally agree with you.

i find it problematic when--due to birth or adoption--parents feel as if they have total control over their children, for the rest of their lives.  grant it, as parents, we are "responsible" for them until they reach maturity; yet, being the "keeper" of another person's history is simply self-serving, IMO.

Answer 9

You are right.  Everyone is entitled to his or her truth given factually without judgment.  It's one thing to say, "Your bmom had some problems that included struggling with addiction" as opposed to "Your bmom was a druggie w***e."

Children should be given truthful answers, phrased in an age appropriate manner, when they ask questions.  My amom did this with me and I truly appreciated that she respected me enough to do so.

This is the adopted person's truth.

ETA:

Heather talked about sealed records.  If a child is relinquished but doesn't happen to be adopted, or if the adoption fails, that OBC is his/hers.  It is only sealed in an adoption finalizes and stays intact.  In 6 states, adult adopted persons can get this record upon request and the same fee non-adopted persons pay.  In other states, there are requirements to be met that non-adopted persons do not have to meet.  Let's stop discrimination based on a person's adoptive status.

Answer 10

You're right.  And I love you for saying so, Gaia...

I guess I think you're right because I can't imagine why someone would say you were wrong.  (What could be the justification for denying someone their own information?)

As for editorializing...  I think we all do it.  It seems ingrained in us.  I think generally (not just about this) people ought to be left to form their own opinions.  There are times that's not possible, nor desirable.  But generally.  And with a young child, it's hard to know how they will take in editorializing.  Children's minds don't always work like the minds of adults.  They don't draw the same inferences or make the same connections.  It's a tricky business, trying to send "the right message."  Better not to try.  (It's not possible, I think, to never do it.  But being sensitive to the child present, trying to see it from their perspective, that helps.)

Answer 11

I think the child has the right to know all you know about their biological family...  age appropriate.  Yes, if they ask- they can probably understand some of the answer.

My 3 year old asked if he has a Daddy.  I told him everyone has a birth mother and father.  He doesn't live with his birth mother (whose tummy you were in so you could be born) or birth father.  He has lived with his foster parents who took care of him until I could get to Guatemala to pickhim up.  And now he lives with his Mommy.  All families are different.  No one else has Papa (his a-grandfather) or Uncle Steve (his a-Uncle)... just him.  

He seemed fine with that answer and mentioned it a few times afterwards and I repeated his story to him again.  Now he asks about other familes...  and I say how they are, if I know...  and remind him that all families are different.

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Thumbs down for what?  Sharing the information?  The way I shared his information with him?  Me being a single parent?  The fact that all families are different?