Who's to blame?

Question

It seems that some people who claim to have a problem with the "industry" of adoption, find fulfillment at taking jabs at Adoptive parents here on Y/A yet claim that their own adoptive parents are great and not to blame for their views on adoption.

So what's the diff? Are we, adoptive parents the enemy? Are we to blame for the way adoptions are mis-handled? If not who is?

I do think that adoptive parents as a whole need to see adoption from all view points, but is helping to jab us in the side at whenever possible,or is it just an attempt to vent one's frustration with their own parents (adoptive or biological)?

I really want to understand this.

Answer 1

Adoptive parents who expect their children to think of them as their real parents and love them just the same, to follow in their footsteps, to think like them, to never think about their real parents, to ignore their deep desire to return to their birth mother, to not be depressed, to not suffer from a "primal wound" which cannot be healed, who criticize and manipulate and punish their kids for not fitting it, who are ashamed because their kids don't look like them. Those are some bad adoptive parents. There are probably others who are aware of the issues relating to abandoned children, and do better, but there's really nothing they can do. A tiger in a zoo can never be as happy as one in the wild. Some situations are just difficult to impossible for everyone involved.

Answer 2

Yes, I do believe that Adoptive Parents catch a bad rap here sometimes.  That being said, I have also gained a great deal of insight from some of the adoptees here as well.

I've looked back at some of the bad raps that I personally have received and realized that they come from a small group of people who just keep "attacking" to get their point across.  (Ironically, these same people do not have their email open in their profile so it's easy for them to attack and not have to defend themselves).

I've made the decision to stay only because of the great group of people I have met and who have opened my eyes to things in adoption that I was not aware of.  For those who are nasty or attacking, I have finally decided to block them so as not to have to deal with them.  If they violate community guidelines, I report them.  

My purpose for being here is to learn more to help my son when he is older and to share my experiences with adoption when I can.  I hope you decide to stay also.

Answer 3

Well, I hope you don't leave.  

I have noticed that A parents are frequently dismissed, patronized or simply insulted on this site.  There are so many very loaded terms that some use on this site, and I frequently wonder how adoptive parents feel and how insulting it imust be to you and your children.

  I wish those who were on this site would be more sensitive to using words like "greedy"  "selfish"  "hot commodities"  "demand" "self-entitled" "infertiles" etc....These are extremely loaded terms that are intentionally aimed at adoptive parents and perpetuate hurtful stereotypes.  I find that most aparents on this site are very open to learning and very honest about what they've learned. They are careful to say, yes, adoption means loss to the mother.  But it never seems to be enough.

There is a total double standard.  Birth mothers are relegated to sainthood.....God forbid...do not ever suggest that one of these women has a problem.  But hey, Adoptive moms are free game. Don't ever stereotype an adoptee, but its ok to perpetuate the stereotype of the greedy child-crazed aparent. Let's stop the insults.  All people are flawed, thus we have flawed systems.  But you cannot fix any flaws without examining the good AND the bad. So everyone's experience should be valid.  Sadly that is not the case and when good people like you leave, the discussion becomes one-sided.

Thanks for asking this question.

edit-how in the world are aparents going to shake their fists at a system when they are continually looked upon as the "bad guys"

Answer 4

I don't take jabs at adoptive parents just the ones that are very entitled.  Trust me they don't hang out here at Yahoo Answers.  I get those on my blog.  I confront them head on.  Most of the adoptive parents that come here are seeing it from all angles or are starting to.  

However with that being said, I do think that adoptive parents have the power because they do have the money.  They control the demand for the industry.  I feel that they have an obligation to stand up and shake their fist at the adoption industry.  I see a few here have.  I recognize the online names of some of them as well as their writings.  I fully support them.

Answer 5

Stop worrying so much about what other people think. Seriously, you don't even know these people. If your tired of people taking jabs, then ask relevant questions that pertain to your life instead of wasting so much time asking questions that don't even relate to you. Have you ever thought about why you need people's approval so much? Maybe that's why you don't fit in with other people. Maybe they sense your neediness. I can sense it over the internet it's so obvious. I would advise you to work on your self esteem so people's opinions don't matter to you so much!

ETA - Also, you switch view points all the time. If the adoptees say something against you, you start posting questions that agree with them. If the aparents start to say something against you, you start posing questions like this one. I'm not saying you can't learn a thing or two and change your opinion, but it's so obvious that you change your opinion when you NEED other people's approval. Form your opinions based on your self confidence and convictions. Don't base them on a need to be accepted by others!

Answer 6

I'm an adoptive parent and I guess everyone views everything in their own way.  I don't take questions or answers on here personally.  I just find them really interesting perspectives.  I go to the parenting site and a couple of other sites and they certainly don't have questions or answers laced with such passion and strength of personal perspectives.  It is what fascinates me so about this site.  No matter which group you fall into within the adoption triangle, adoptee, birth parent, adoptive parent, each of those people in the group feel very strongly about their own experiences.  Then there is the fourth group that doesn't seem to fit into the triangle, but without it there would be no adoption.  That is the facilitator of the adoption, whether it is government, agency, or attorney and the one thing I have found to ring true in every question and every answer is that that is where the process is broken.

So, it would seem to me that the adoption triangle folks need to find a way to come together to break up the triangle and put the facilitator where they belong - smack dab in the middle of the circle and point all of our attention at the only entity in the group that can really change the process by changing itself.

I know how difficult it is being the adoptive parent.  But the adoptees only know how hard it is being them and the birth parents only know how hard it is being them.  We all need to recognize and accept and respect the other parties feelings and needs within the process.

Answer 7

"It's the AP's that feel compelled to deny every negative emotion expressed, those who call adoptees names (trolls, adoption n***s, etc.), accusing adoptees of being unhappy or having had a bad adoption experiences whenever we point out the flaws in the system...it's THOSE AP'S that are targets of MY frustration. Because no matter what I say, or how many times I explain, they refuse to hear. "

ummmm, i'm an adoptee and i am accused by bmoms and adoptees alike of being unhappy or having a bad experience because i disagree with their idyllic, romanticized idea of what life would've been like with my bmom.  I've never been verbally attacked by an AP.  I'm villified for saying "big deal, i was adopted"; my parents have been accused of "brainwashing" me because i didn't want to search or care what the reasons were for relinquishment.

basically, what it boils down to is that the adoptees and bparents here want you to agree wholly and fully with them that adoption is horrible and if you don't then you are so wrong, damaged, angry, yada yada yada.  Agree with them or be crucified.  Accept that you are a victim of a greedy institution run by "infertiles" (how rude is that!) or risk being villified.

*sigh*  it's the same all over.  perpetuate the victim status of bmoms and adoptees or you are a horrible person

Answer 8

Sadly, I agree that sometimes AP's in this forum catch some of the frustration over past & current adoption misdeeds.  Sometimes it's because AP's & PAP's arrive with a "pie eyed Pollyeana" view of adoption that simply doesn't line up with an adult adoptee's experience - especially adoptees who are just finding their voice & learning they aren't alone in how they feel (like me).

Or those adoptees who've recently found their birth parents & are sorting through sad stories of mom's "pushed" to relinquish, secrecy, shame, guilt, lies told to birth & adopted parents, & hurt feelings all around.  

AP's are swept up in the "happy ending" of having a child after perhaps years of TTC & the struggle to find a child to adopt.  They don't want to think about the 'dark side' of adoption.  Deny, deny, deny.  

It's the AP's that feel compelled to deny every negative emotion expressed, those who call adoptees names (trolls, adoption n***s, etc.), accusing adoptees of being unhappy or having had a bad adoption experiences whenever we point out the flaws in the system...it's THOSE AP'S that are targets of MY frustration. Because no matter what I say, or how many times I explain, they refuse to hear.    

There are many great AP's in this forum who've taken the time to look at the issues...to really open their eyes to the painful truths surrounding adoption.  As an adoptee, I am truly grateful to see you & I'm happy for your children who WILL benefit from your open, honest, loving, WHOLE view of them.  

Sometimes it's difficult to separate what happened 30 & 40 & 50 years ago during the "baby scoop era" with what is happening today in adoption.  We have some new & different issues to deal with in today's adoption industry.  Yet, we also have the lingering issue of sealed records for millions of adult adoptees.  

I wonder if some people believe there should be no adoption ever.  I believe there is a need for adoption in some circumstances. Primarily because I volunteer as a CASA with a child in foster care. Approximately 80% of the kids are in foster care because of a parent or both parents' drug use. These parents are given treatment, parenting classes, finacial support, & still often fail their kids.  

Sadly, sometimes adoption is the best option, or the only option. I believe every child deserves to have loving parents, a home & a family.  Adoption should be about finding homes for children. Not the other way around.

ETA: I'd just like to add that I've seen at least a few AP's in here who I wish would have been MY APs.  I did not have a happy adoption. And yet, I still believe that adoption is sometimes the best option.

ETA II: I'm sorry when ANYONE feels that their POV is invalidated by another's response.  Mocking others doesn't help get a point across any better.  I'm fully aware some adoptees have no desire to search. Some had great lives. Some have experienced no sense of loss. My experiences (being taken from my mom because she didn't make much money - I have the court records) don't invalidate another's experiences. My feelings don't invalidate someone else's, either.  I HAVE been verbally attacked by an AP - more than once (the one who calls us trolls & anti-adoption n***s).  I've seen some heated, passionate responses, & with 1 other exception I haven't seen anyone be as disrespectful to everyone else in the forum as AA. I'm glad you're NOT angry! I'd hate to see you get mad! BTW-how is this related to the question?

Answer 9

Wow -- It's probably the ONLY subject I haven't heard get attacked.....maybe I've missed something.

There's nothing wrong -- absolutely NOTHING wrong with adopting children.