Who can write the worst opening sentence for a novel?

Question

I read an article where someone won a contest for writing the worst opening sentence. I'm holding my own contest now... Go ahead, write a terrible first sentence!

By the way, the winner was by Garrison Spik:

“Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped ‘Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J.’”

Answer 1

The ice skater glided across the smooth, sleek surface of the ice rink, her heart leaping along with her as she performed all of her tricks and twirls.

Answer 2

The sickly prositute sat at the bar sucking down a mass amount of Mr. Pibbs. A hideous noise came from the hole in her neck as the fizzy beverage went down her windpipe. Sooner or later she started hacking and a mixture of soda and digested orderbs from Mr. McPatrick's cocktail party came spewing out.

There, is that bad for you?

Answer 3

It was sunny.

Answer 4

like, the trees looked liek hills and then like my fave alltime bff was like "ur my bestie" my eyes like tottally shone in the nice sun.

i wou7ld thinm of mroe but my mind is lyke blank.

Answer 5

Once upon a time . . . .  

Answer 6

So I said," Look Buddy, the car was on fire when I got here. As for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that."

Answer 7

Once apon a time

Just kidding lol

How about "So there was this dude right..."

lol

x

Answer 8

"Once upon a time, on a dark and stormy night in a faraway land, there lived a beautiful princess."

Gotta love those cliches :D

Answer 9

whatever the first sentence in Twilight is

This is a story about...

In the year 2008, China won the Olympics.

George Bush took over the world.

OMG!!!

There once was a beautiful faerie princess who lived in the magical country of Faerieland.

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four Privite Drive were proud to say they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. (just kidding i love harry potter, but the beginning is odd)

Answer 10

Hi.

My name is Tracy Turnover. My mom's name is Helen Turnover, and my dad left when I was eight. I love my mom and I am sometimes sad about my dad, but then I remember my boyfriend and am happy. He says he'll never ever leave me, cuz he loves me and we need to have s*x soon. I dont really want to, being like 13, but he says it makes everything better so I'll give it a try.

One day I was walking down the street and my BFF rose came up to me and was like "OMG Trace!!! Your boyfriend is making out with Carrie!!!"

Carrie is my worst enemy. She's stolen ten of my previous boyfriends. I hate her.  So I stormed up to them and slapped her! then she told the cops but I told them that she was evil and they let me go. So now I don't know what to do!!!

(This is a result of me going overboard  (more than a sentence)  and having WAY too much fun imitating some stories I've read from classmates. Where do you even start when they ask you to help them edit? Tell them to hit the backspace key for three hours?)

Answer 11

Hi, my name is Tiffany and this is like the story of like my life, so I have a boyfriend called Brad who is so amazing he can like throw a ball so far and oh my God I am like so wonderful, you know;  I have awesome hair, the shiny kind - you know?  

Answer 12

It was a dark and stormy night...

Answer 13

I wondered if anyone ever actually counted the cracks in the ceiling, but they made such pretty pictures that i decided that i would count the cracks in the ceiling after all, and that would prove that stupid kid in english class who said that you couldn't really count the number of cracks in the ceiling wrong as heck, and with that resolution, i cleared my mind and began to count, but every time i did it made the face of that stupid kid from english class and i swore, all while wondering why that stupid kid just couldn't go fall in a hole and die, since we'd all be better off for it, and then i forgot that i was supposed to be counting ceiling cracks and went outside.

*celebrindal*

Answer 14

As I just stood there, I farted.

Answer 15

Yes. [thats the opening.] Yes.

Answer 16

Once upon a time has to be the worst opening. Too over-cliched.

Answer 17

So, I was just sittin' there one day eatin' a Big Mac and a diet coke...

Answer 18

I walked out of the port-a-potty, and looked into the bright, sunny sun that hurt my eyes like the fiery passion that soon struck me from behind like a raquetball to the brain.