Who do you put first, your spouse or your child(s)?

Question

Yesterday I got married and in my wedding vows to my husband

I am to Forsake all others.

I don't have any children yet, but I believe to be a good Mother I must be a good wife first. What do you think and what are your opinions?

Answer 1

The marriage always comes first no matter what. When you have children you can be a good mother and put the marriage first. Women make a big mistake when they become a Mom and put the children first. Don't think that the kids don't catch onto this real fast. Children have to know their place. You put the kids to bed early every night for two reasons. First one is that kids need at least 10 hours sleep a night because this is when their cells grow. Second, it gives you and your husband time to be alone and give time to each other.Always remember that you and your husband were here first.

Answer 2

Your children should always come first.

Especially if they are young - they depend on you the way a spouse never will.

Answer 3

Any human with kids (mother OR FATHER) would say the child is first. You can always seperate from your spouse but your child will always be your child!!!

Answer 4

The husband and wife need to always come before the children.

Some people misunderstand this concept and think that by putting one's mate ahead of the children  that it is in some way at the expense of the child or that their love for the children is being compromised.  This is not true.

Responsible parenting needs responsible leadership.  And for parents to lead they need to be united and support each other for the good of the home.

This does not mean that you love your children less.   Nor does it mean that a parent is put in the position of making some kind of choice between child and spouse.  That is not what having children and being married is about.    That would be like a child asking, "Mommy do you love daddy more than you love me?"  Wouldn't the answer be obvious?  It would be like a child asking, "Mommy, if you had to choose between dad and me who would you pick?"  Again, isn't the answer rather obvious?  There is no either or.

When I say the spouse comes first I do not mean in the sense of having to make a choice of one or the other.  I mean in the sense of family dynamics.  

For example the parents should not allow the children to play the parents off against each other.  This happens when a parent knowingly or unwittingly takes the side of the child or is more permissive than the other parent.  The child can see this as an opportunity to play the parents off against each other.

When parents are united in loyalty and commitment towards each other, which comes as a result of putting each other first ( for the sake of the children) they are better able to raise their children in a loving and secure environment.  A child will never have to say, "you love daddy more than you love me or you love mommy more than you love me.  

A common mistake new parents mistake is they spend so much time with the children that the marriage begins to suffer.  The spouses begin to neglect filling each others emotional tanks and the marriage suffers because of this.  This is a classic symptom of the children coming first.

Love your children.  And love them a lot but take care of your mate first.  The children need to see how mom and dad honor and treasure each other.  

Spouses have to come ahead of the children because it is the parents who are making the decisions which affect every aspect of the home.  Each spouse must demonstrate by example that that they support each other and stand by each other, not at the expense of the children but for the benefit of the child's well-being.

Regarding "forsaking all others".  This is not in the context of children.  It is in reference to keeping your marriage pure by not becoming involved with others.

I'll close by saying this.  While we invest several years in raising our children, there will come a time when they depart and leave the nest.  When that happens it will be your spouse who will still be there to faithfully uplift and support you.

Answer 5

Congratulations first of all. How did everything go???? Forsaking all others means forsaking another lover. LEt me tell you spouses are replaceable, children aren't. Don't mean to say that to a newlywed but it is true. You need to be a good wife and a good mother. But remember children can't fend for themselves spouses can. Don't let your husband expect you to wait on him hand and foot. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 6

I don't agree with your statement. I put my children first but I don't give in to their every need. If I were to choose between my husband and my children, I'm sorry, but my husband would come in second. Being a good wife and being a good mother are two different things. A mother will forgive her children anything and love them unconditionally whereas the love for a husband has limitations (such as abuse and infidelity).

Seriously, put religion aside for a while and think about it with logic and reason.

ADDENDUM

My MIL put her husband first and you know what the consequences are? My husband puts her (and his dad) second as well. He rarely calls them, he doesn't ask for advice or help ... even less now that we have our own children and he realizes his parent's mistakes. Don't make the same mistake.  

My parents always put me first and I have a solid relationship with them. We talk several times a week and I often seek advice. Your children will treat you the same way you treated them. If you they are second-class citizens in your family - well, don't be surprised if they return the favor when they grown and out of the house. Then it is only going to be you and your spoiled husband and your grand-children somewhere far away from you.

Answer 7

your kids always should come first ..they will love you no matter what you have done what you will do  etc..not always true  about a spouse ..    

Answer 8

The "all others" being forsaken in the wedding vows refers to other men as satisfying your emotional and physical needs; it is not intended to create conflict with you between husband versus children.  Once children come along, if you have to make a choice on which one to support in a disagreement, I think you should support whichever one is right in the matter on a case-by-case basis.  Parenting and being a wife do not require blind obedience - on the contrary, they both require thoughtful behavior based on situations.

Answer 9

I think that your spouse should be first because you two come together to raise your children together and you should be a strong team together.  Plus, a happy marriage between you and your husband/wife would make the home peaceful and the children would have a happier environment.  That's what I think anyway.  Good question, thumbs up! :)

Answer 10

I can tell you, I put my child first and my husband decided to cheat on me and get a divorce because I did.  I guess the best answer to this is, somehow you have to do a balancing act. Your child obviously can't take care of themselves yet, so most of your time will be spent trying to do that...but at the same time the hubby (at least mine did decided that he wanted to be jealous of the child. He said he said he was tired of always being second.  So, somehow or another you have to put both of them first....Good luck...this is a tough one!

Answer 11

A lot of women put the kids first when they come along........and then they end up on Yahoo Answers in a few years asking questions like "why do guys cheat?"

Answer 12

I think if the parents are happy, then the kids are very happy. So if you put your husband first, and he is then happier, then the whole mechanics of the family run more smoothly. I know a lot of new mothers who are obsessed with their kids and neglect their men. Then the men react and the parent disagree and argue. The kids can sense disharmony. So bottom line, (God, if you are that way inclined), your husband and then the kids.

Answer 13

I believe forsake all others means other men, not your children. I think most all women would put their children first. By the way congrats!

Answer 14

OK you forsake all others except for your children. You work together as a GROUP. If you have to chose to save your husband drowning or your kid, you chose your kid. If you chose who needs to eat first, your kids cause they can't go out and get a job and feed themselves if need be.

You do need to make time for your husband without the kids because as the other guy said, those women that are "Strictly" children first, end up getting cheated on. You need to still make him feel like a man, but that doesn't mean that you're not the best mother either.

Answer 15

I must agree happy parents make happy children. I took the same vows when i was married.

Answer 16

your children should always come first

Answer 17

For you alone I'd say your spouse. So together you can make the best decisions for your kids. Then the kids will know they are first and most important to their parents... both of them together.