Who do you tell and who not/?

Question

I saw a question eariler and I was wondering.. When you have adopted a child and you run into someone and they say something like " Are they all yours" or "She looks just like you" or something along those line. Do you say she's adopted or not bring it up. Or does it depend on who you are talking to. I don't think that we will have this problem exactly but what do I say if someone asks oh is he adoped, or does he look like his dad.. DO we have to tell every tom, d**k and harry he is adopted. I have no desire to deny what happed but I don't want it to be something I talk about everyday.singling him out as not one of ours. We have 2 daughters.

Answer 1

I simple say yes, they are all mine. People that I am close to know. And I think that is enough. And yes my kids know and are free to tell who they please. But I find if I don't volunteer that my children are adopted, I don't get the questions like what was wrong with the birth parents or how old they were etc. Things people seem to have no problem asking when they hardly know you and find out your children are adopted

Answer 2

Really it depends on who you are talking to and the age of your adopted child. We don't tell people we just meet - it's not relevant. Our daughter knows she is adopted and always has. People say she looks just like us all the time! My advice would be not to tell people the background - only your very closest family/friends. I think the child deserves to know first. Some people just want to know out of sheer curiosity - like we are in some soap opera! Just do what feels comfortable for you and don't worry.

Answer 3

"no" is what you say. it's none of their business what goes on in your family. besides, he's your child since you adopted him so......he's yours and your husbands. congratulations on doing a good dead.

Answer 4

I think every family will have to decide that for themselves.  Our family has children adopted from South Korea and we are caucasian so in our case it's very obvious to everyone that our children are adopted.  We just started out from the very start telling everyone that they are adopted...we want our children to know we are very proud of them and not at all ashamed of the adoption.  If people ask what country we have the kids tell them South Korea and our little girl loves to tell people her Korean name...she has an American name also.  Since you have 2 birth daughters then the decision is yours to make but I wouldn't act like it's something to hide but sometimes you just have to tell people it's personal info also.  We get the question "are they really brother and sister?" and we say "They are now" and then move on but sometimes we get someone that wants all the personal info and I just have to say "oh, why do you ask that?  It's personal information" and that has alwasy worked for me!  I never want to be rude because sometimes people ask about adoption because they want info for themselves or for a friend or family member.  I have just learned that since we have adopted children we are kind of a model by how others view adoptive families....and hopefully they will view it as a positive experience!  Good luck I know all of the questions get old and tiresome but just think you might help someone to adopt in the future and that's such wonderful thing!!!

Answer 5

if asked is he is yours....reply " Of course he is mine. Do you think I go around stealing other people's children!?" works well for strangers.

If someone says that he resembles you/your husband/etc... Just say thank you and that you are blessed to have such a handsome boy as part of your family.

Answer 6

To answer "Are they all yours?" - The simple answer is "Yes."  For people that you wish to share a little more, you can add "My daughter ____ joined our family when he/she was however old.  Then, ______was born two years later."  

This neither singles either of your daughters out nor excludes either of your daughters.

You can also simply decide not to answer questions and simply say, "I'm sorry, we can't talk right now.  My daughters and I are busy enjoying our shopping day (or whatever) together."  Never feel like you HAVE to answer strangers' questions.  As an adoptive parent, I find this hard.  Most people are well meaning and don't understand that questioning an adoptive child's status all the time builds up to a sense of "differentness" and not belonging.  People aren't trying to do that with their questions, so it is hard to decline to answer, but they are doing that.  So, I try to give my daughter a break from it and just decline to answer questions sometimes.

So, I guess I think how you answer questions sometimes simply depends on the situation, the person asking, and your own mood.    

Just remember, the way you handle these questions is a model for how your daughters will answer questions, so whatever you do decide to share, make sure you don't appear uncomfortable with the subject.

Answer 7

If it was a child that you adopted then I would say yes they are all mine. If they say the child looks like you then say thank you.If you feel that you need to say that the child is adopted fine but I dont see the need for it. You adopted that child so that it would a part of your family not to make differences.

Answer 8

I tell people when it's realitive. If someone tels me that he looks like mw I say"awe thanks" really he looks nothing like me. The trouble I have is acutally my family and friends. They have a need to tell everyone we see that he's adopted. I sometimes they don't want ro have thier DNA associtated with him because he has health problems. Not sure thought.

I have had many instances that I 've been able to use our experience to minister to people I meet.

Answer 9

you should never single out the adopted child and being "adopted or not yours". The child who is adopted is just as much yours and your biological children are. just because they were not in your stomach for 9 months means nothing. you love the child just the same as the rest so why would you even think that they were not yours or imply to someone that they were not yours. you went to court and made it legal they are yours so simply respond to the person "yes they are all mine" hope this helped =)

Answer 10

When I was a child and people would say I look like my mom or dad, we would just smile and say thanks!  It was kinda funny to us in our own special way.  It does not have to be a big deal everyday.  Just go on with your life as if your son was your biological son.  

A word of advise, start to talk to your child as soon as you can about it.  I do not even remember being told so it was no big deal.  I grew up thinking there were two ways to have babies . God gives you a baby through adoption or you have a baby.  Neither one in my mind as a young child was more special than the other.  

As I got older like 10 or so I realized that I was SPECIAL and it was great!  I am so blessed to be adopted!  So is your son!

Answer 11

they are YOURS. All ways remeber that. You brought them up, you've help them, you've loved them, so say they are.

Answer 12

You tell them “Yes they are all ours.”  Honestly its not some john doe's business how anyone creates their family.

As far as if they said he looks like your or your husband I’d just smile and say “thank you. We are delighted to have been blessed with such a great kid.”

Answer 13

No, you do not have to tell every Tom, d**k, and Harry. He is your son no matter how he got there.

Do you think bio-parents feel obligated to introduce their children as " my biological child". Of course not.

Answer 14

I have one grown adopted son, a grown biological son and a grown biological daughter.

My feeling (and what I presented to my oldest son) was always, "Whether or not I had you isn't anybody's business but ours."  I tried to let him know it wasn't some deep dark secret, but it wasn't anyone else's business either because it had nothing to do with anything when he was at school or out playing with his pals.

People would often comment about how one of the little kids looked like him.  (They all had beautiful big eyes, slight builds.  Two of them shared gold brown hair.  Two of them had gray eyes.  Two of them shared skin tone.)

All three were very similar in terms of behavior, demeanor, though, and I think that made people see similarities more than were really there.

I just let it go.  I figured it was nice for any of them to hear how someone thought they had the same eyes as the other one.  Sometimes adopted children don't get to hear that, so I thought it was nice (as long as my son knew the truth as he grew up).

The funny thing is when my two sons call me and say, "Hi, Mum?" they sound exactly alike, and I don't want to let them know I don't know which one it is - particularly since one is adopted and one isn't!  Their mother ought to know the difference in their voices.   :)

As an adopted mother of a son who did eventually meet his biological relatives, I still believe as long as children know the reality that some other lady gave birth to them, they deserve to have what other children have - which is not to be always reminded that they're adopted.   Not long ago I wrote "Rights Adopted Children Should Have".  (Actually, its been purchased by a few places that publish stuff.)  I thought you may appreciate it:

RIGHTS OF ADOPTED CHILDREN -

WHAT EVERY ADOPTED CHILD DESERVES

It seems fairly to obvious that adopted children have a right to know they have been adopted right from the beginning. It also seems obvious that grown adopted children should have the right to meet and know their biological parents if they wish, and that their right to that should take precedence over the biological mother's "right to privacy". After all, "what is best for the child" is supposed to be the aim of all mothers..

There are some rights, though, that adopted children should have but that are often forgotten:

The right to be wanted is one that is often the reason children are placed for adoption.

The right to know that being adopted doesn't have to mean being different from the other kids is one right on which many people need to do some work. The right to feel "like everyone else" is a right some people think cannot belong to adopted people. I don't believe feeling like everyone else is impossible for adopted children when adults present things correctly.

The right to understand the very dramatic ways in which nurturing in the first three years of life can affect a child's personality and brain development is one right many people forget that adopted children should have.

The right to be viewed by other people as no different from anyone else is a right that requires some work on the part of people who can have trouble "getting past it" once they learn someone has been adopted.

The right to the very normal thing of having one mother and one father at one time throughout the formative years is a right that shouldn't be forgotten.

The right of the youngest of adopted children to being shielded from some ugly realities that may exist around the birth circumstances, and the right to having any such ugly realities put in a perspective that helps the child, once he's old enough, to understand better should not be overlooked.

The right to have the fact of his being adopted forgotten by people like adoptive relatives, teachers, neighbors and friends' parents is a right many adopted children don't have.

The right to be told how so many people who were not adopted children may know very little about their grandparents or other family members beyond their immediate family.

The right to be referred to by people outside their family (adoptive family) as "their son" and not "their adopted son".

The right to having parents point out any ways they see in which he happens to be similar to them in personality, abilities, or even - although its coincidence - any physical characteristics. I'm not suggesting parents of children who are very different in appearance must stretch the truth about physical traits. I'm saying that when any similar traits do exist adopted children can enjoy hearing the same kind of comparisons that biological children do. Nobody needs to constantly bring up the genetic realities. Adopted children should just have the right to hear what non-adopted kids hear.

The right not to have the fact that they're adopted be the main focus of their life and existence, and this leads to the right to be a person in their own right.