Who ever feels like this rhyme?

Question

I’ve had my ups and I’ve had my downs.

Everyday I get closer to death.

Someday I and the dirt will be one.

Before my death will this frown go undone?

If only the day my parents met could be undone.

I’m overwhelmed with sadness.

I’m overwhelmed with regret, and confusion.

It’s difficult to find life amusing.

This life sucks!

©8/16/08

Whats wrong with this rhyme? What is it lacking poetically?

Answer 1

Salam sister,

actually im weak in examining poems, maybe the last line doesn't rhyme

but it is meaningful :)

Answer 2

I don't think you should remove the last line because it represents exactly how you are feeling.  As for the other part of your question, I agree that the rhyme is lacking simply because the only words that rhyme are one, undone, and confusion.  I would suggest that you find some sort of distinct rhyming pattern or don't rhyme at all.  For example: ABABCDCD, AABBCCDD, ABBACDDC...etc and then just leave the last line as it is for shock value.  Anyhow, your poem is on the right track and many people will be able to identify with it.

Write on

Answer 3

I think the last line should be omitted but other than that its pretty good!

I think everyone feels  like that once in a while.

It is not that its a bummer...the line before it is more of a bummer...it just doesn't fit..you know like it doesn't flow!

Answer 4

Mom I have had a go at re-cobbling your poem bearing in mind the way you are feeling. The meter is better (but not ideal) and some words replaced and moved. I hope it's ok with you. I am sure you would have reached the same place with it with revisiting and revising. Your effort was great.  Cheers J

PS I am sorry you are feeling this way, but I understand on a certain level.

These Ups and Downs can draw my breath

It's fate that everyday I get closer to death.

Someday the dirt and I will be as one.

Until that day will this frown go undone?

I wish I could rewind the day my parents met

Now I’m overwhelmed with unhappiness and regret.

I’m overcome with sadness, and confusion.

It’s hard to find amusement in life’s delusion

This life sucks!