Who has a funny joke?

Question

it might get you 10 points

Answer 1

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom (mall) and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

"All my love.

"PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

Another one:

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Kate, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Kate asked rather calmly.

"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." (true story)

Another One:

The children's Sunday school class was studying Heaven, and the teacher opened up the discussion by asking if any of the children had any impressions about Heaven.

Johnny piped up: "Well, Miss Jones, I don't know too much about Heaven myself, but I know my mom is pretty anxious to get There."

"Really, Johnny, why do you say that?"

"You see, last night when I woke up and went for a drink of water, I passed my parents' room. I heard my mom screaming, 'Lord, I'm coming, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't been on top of her trying as hard as he could to push her back down, I think she would have gone straight up through the ceiling!"

Another One:

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "proxy fathers." Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father -- a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later, a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell ...

Ms. Smith: Good morning.

Salesman: Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to ...

Ms. Smith: No need to explain. I've been expecting you.

Salesman: Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins.

Ms. Smith: That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

Salesman: (Sitting) Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?

Ms. Smith: Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do.

Salesman: Well, perhaps we should get down to it.

Ms. Smith: (Blushing). Just where do we start?

Salesman: Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out.

Ms. Smith: Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me.

Salesman: Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, "I aim to please."

Ms. Smith: Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?

Salesman: Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that.

Ms. Smith: Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures): Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London.

Ms. Smith: Oh my!

Salesman: And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.

Ms. Smith: She was?

Salesman: Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.

Ms. Smith: Four and five deep?

Salesman: Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I could not concentrate. I am afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in.

Ms. Smith: You mean they actually chewed on your, eh ..., equipment?

Salesman: That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store.

Ms. Smith: I just can't believe it.

Salesman: Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.

Ms. Smith: TRIPOD ? ! ?

Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I am shooting. Ms. Smith? Ms. Smith? ... My Lord, she fainted!

Answer 2

I'd tell you but I have a feeling you would take them.  Sorry but a stand up comedian never sits down.

Answer 3

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren''t sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man''s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it''s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Answer 4

Ladies First  



Q: How do you keep a man from drowning?

A: Take your foot off his head!

Answer 5

what do you call a dog with no legs?